I have crawled into a hole after revealing to the world the story of me clogging a toilet. As a result, I have “recruited” Mrs. Disco to write this week’s Fan Mail responses so as to not disappoint my fans.
Dude, Mrs. Disco is one hot babe. Does she obey your every beck and call?
Nick D., Cinque Terre, Italy
(ok, Nick isn’t actually from Italy, but he didn’t tell me where he’s from so we’re going to pretend he lives there in order to expand our already growing audience).
First, I’d like to say, why thank you, thank you very much Nicoluccio. I’m guessing you may have wonderful taste if you’re from one of my favorite places in the world, so I’m flattered someone as cultured and foreign as you would call me “one hot babe”. I take it as the utmost complimente. Are you single? Enjoy long walks from fishing village to fishing village? If so, get in touch with me at firstname.lastname@example.org because I’ve got a couple cute single friends. Wink. (Oh, and you can direct all flower and jewelry deliveries to Rosenblatt Stadium, 1202 Bert Murphy Ave, Omaha, NE 68107 Attention: Mrs. Disco).
Waiiit a second. Before you send endless compliments about how smart and funny I am and how lucky Disco is to have landed me think I better tackle the second part of your email. The question part, “Does she obey your every beck and call?”
I’m not sure if you were trying to butter me up right before implying I was a servant of Disco or what, but today’s your lucky day because I’m not going to kick your butt. I won’t even challenge you to a “who can bend into the best yoga pose” contest, either. Today, it was demanded of me, by His Disconess, I not only respond to his Fan Mail questions, but also do it with humor, wit, and as much good looks as he. Whew, tall order, but I’ll do my best.
Merriam-Webster online defines “beck and call” as: “ready to obey one’s command immediately”. And, just so you know, I only come-a-running in response to snapping, animal calls, or “Yo Bratface!”
- Snapping usually means I need to trim raw chicken, season it, place it flatly in a zip-lock bag, and write “Hayes” and the date with a sharpie so he has food to eat at the field.
- Any variety of an animal call usually means he’s out of clean underwear and I better bust my little booty into gear to have clean, non skid-marked underwear, sans-wrinkles ready before he departs for the field that day.
- “Yo Bratface” is more often than not used when Disco is frantically yelling from a bathroom with a clogged toilet and I need to fetch the perfect poop stick. Pronto!
So I guess you can decide whether I obey his every beck and call or not, but the main reason I’m handling Fan Mail Friday today is due to Disco’s extreme embarrassment and shame in sharing his poop-a-boo stories the other day. Hopefully I’ll be able to talk him out of his humiliated state soon… or whenever he snaps for me to jump to his every need.
You have made it clear you are “Disco” because you throw in the 70s. How hard does Mrs Disco throw? One would have to assume she also throws in the 70s. And if you throw 77 or 78 that leaves the possibility she throws harder than you. If so, are you man enough to admit it?
Pieter P., Munich, Germany
Pieter, any chance you are actually Peter Piper, who picked a peck of pickled peppers, with just a weird, fancy spelling?
Wie Gehts Die? Danke Gut! Kann ich bitte pfeffer ausgewählt haben?*
Ha! I’ll bet you didn’t think I’d actually be able to respond to you in your mother language, did you? To save the several hundred thousand fans who read Disco’s blog on a daily basis the trouble of hiring a translator just to enjoy the pure genius of these answers, I’ll spare you and respond in an ancient tribal language. Click. Cclick. Cluck. Click. Cllliick. Cliccckk.
Okay, okay. I swear, I’ll behave and respond to your question, Mr. Pieper. I, Mrs. Disco, throw my fastball overhand 92 on a good day, side arm about 90, and bowling like Disco roughly 82-83. My change up overhand is actually faster than my fastball, topping out at 97. I think it’s because my middle finger is stronger than my index finger, thus thrusting the ball at a greater velocity, lighting up radar guns across the universe. I’m still working on a knuckleball and I hear spitballs are no longer legal in professional baseball, which is fine with me ’cause I’m content just hitting off a tee with our 5-year-old nephew anyway.
And one more thing…obviously Disco is NOT man enough to admit it, otherwise he’d be answering these questions himself.
*Translation: How are you? I’m fine thank you. May I have a pickled pepper, please?
How old is too old to wear your hat backwards? I’ve heard that the general consensus is 27 yrs old. But I’ve also heard that trucker hats with velcro or snaps can be alloted an age much younger than that. Likewise, flex-fits can be worn backwards past 27 but there’s just an overall confusion on the entire matter. Please clarify for the masses before the hysteria consumes us all.
Kansas City, MO
Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. I’m willing to bet you’re 28 and still trying to pull off those dorky trucker hats with white mesh and random logos that sit like five feet up off your head aren’t you? Just kidding. ðŸ™‚ It’s a good thing you asked this question when I was responding because unless Disco was a fashionista (last time I checked I’m pretty sure Disco only had tapered jeans and old man sweaters hanging in his closet before he met me), I doubt he’d be able to give you any kind of sound and up-to-date fashion advice.
How old is too old to wear your hat backwards? I’m pretty sure if you’re not younger than 9 years old, you’re too old to wear it backwards (unless of course you’re a catcher) (or a ridiculously hot guy with a chiseled face and a little bit of scruff) (or my husband in the off-season when he’s allowed to have any facial hair).
Well, my hypothesis failed me. My plan was to show you pictures of the hottest of the hot guys out there who pull off backwards caps like exotic dancers pull off their clothes, but I’ve found my hypothesis to be invalid. It seems all the hotty-hot-hots are so hot they don’t ever go out with a backwards hat, let alone any kind of disguise covering their gorgeous faces. For instance, I scoured the internet and didn’t find any of these gems with a backwards cap of any kind.
So if you’re average looking without amazing hair and impeccable looks like the fellas pictured above (Utley, Hayes, Beckham, Hayes), you can wear a hat at any age. And if for some reason you’re blessed enough with a movie star face, you can wear whatever you want, whenever you want. Got that? Man, I’m getting myself all worked up over here with all these hotties, two of them being my ridiculously good looking husband, I’ve lost my thought process. Where was I?
Ah. fitted hats. Yea, you know, I guess you can wear them as long as they aren’t too tight so they don’t leave a ring around your head. I actually like guys in ball caps, so disregard everything I said above and dress up your head to your hearts desire. (Random side note: A while back before I met Disco, I threw a “Dress Your Head” party… you basically had to do something fun from the neck up. We had everything from pink wigs, to chicken hats, to one guy wearing ah sock. Yea, ‘parently he didn’t get the memo.)
Back to being serious for a second. Anyone can pull off pretty much anything if they’re confident. Confidence rises above all trends of what to and what not to wear. If you’re trying to pull off a rad Hurley trucker hat as long as you carry yourself with confidence (not cockiness, which is easily discoverable) you’re going to look great. Just one cardinal rule, unrelated to hats. Whatever you do, if you’re under the age of 55, please do NOT be seen in public wearing socks with your sandals. Capeche?
What’s up? I enjoy the blog, but I haven’t read anything for a few days, what’s going on with your stylings and groovings?
Here’s a question: Do you guys ever get tired of playing baseball? It seems that you get to travel and go to a bunch of places, make tons of money, and get to play the best game there is day in and day out. Does that take a toll on the guys in the locker room at all? I know if I had to spend each day with my co-workers without my cubicle walls up, I’d get annoyed almost each day, not to mention having to shower with them, that would be rough.
Stu D., Mission Viejo, CA
To Stu and the rest of my fellow fans: I appreciate the concern around the premonition my baseball career continues to skyrocket, which will inevitably cause my blogging career to crash and burn. I know it sounds impossible and perhaps improbable for both careers to continue to take off, but I plan to defy the odds and do just this. If not, I’ll start advertising and use the revenue to pay someone full-time to blog for me. You’ll never know the difference.
The clubhouse is a very fun place to be. It does potentially become repetitive, but there are a number of things that can be done to change things up and keep them exciting. For example, we often watch classic movies like Yellow Submarine and 20,000 leagues under the sea. It really makes for great bonding and we love it day in and day out.
In some clubhouses we don’t have access to a DVD player, so we are struck watching TV. We always stick with Sponge Bob Square Pants because his episodes are hilarious.
It seems every sponsor has something to do with being under water or under ground. Any reason for this? Why not a sponsor that has something to do with “Disco”?
Alright, fine…the sponsor thing didn’t really work out that well. It did, however add to my “tons” of dollars I make, which you referred to. After cashing my last paycheck for $483.50 (which covered two weeks in which we played a game each of the 14 days), I have gone to the bank and gotten 48,350 pennies and weighed them. Unfortunately they came out to only 267 lbs which means it will take 7 more paychecks for me to say I made a ton of money.
Maybe I should try to figure this sponsor thing out a little better. So, listen to sportsradio620.com on Saturdays from 10 to 11 ET to listen to Jason Benetti interview yours truly!
I’ve been considering changing careers and becoming a professional athlete, and would like your advice on what to pursue. The best options seem to me to be a) NFL kickoff specialist (no field goals, just touchback after touchback), b) long snapper, or c) knuckleballer. Your thoughts?
Grant, Lee’s Summit, MO
I like your options, Grant. Has anyone made any funny jokes based on Grant being from Lee or any kind of play on those names? If so, have them email it to email@example.com because I couldn’t really come up with anything solid.
I’m sad NBA bench towel-waver was not included in your options, but I understand there isn’t an NBA team in Kansas City, so I’m guessing you didn’t mention it because you would like to play close to home. That being said, your options are the Chiefs and the Royals, who share a parking lot, which means the logistics and travel to your office will be identical. So it’s going to be your lifestyle once you’re at the office that’s going to have to make this decision.
First, we’ll explore the Chiefs option. They were 26th out of 32 teams last year in scoring which may make for ‘A’ and ‘B’ being pretty cozy options. After a quick search to see who the Chiefs drafted this year, they spent their first 4 draft picks on defensive players, so we may be looking at a paid vacation for a Kickoff artist or long snapper. However, further inspection shows they drafted “Mr. Irrelevant” Ryan Succop in the 7th round and though I can’t say I’m a fan of his nickname (maybe Mr. I and I can get in touch and we can work on something “Disco-esque” for him), he sounds like a real brown-noser, so you may struggle to ta
ke his spot. I’m giving the edge to long snapper over the kickoff specialist.
So it’s long snapper vs. knuckleballer which leads me to a discussion on the pluses and minuses of pitching for the Royals; something that may lead to me choosing ‘B’ if I don’t choose my words carefully.
Final answer: If you have baby blue eyes, go with ‘C’ and become a soft-throwing, dreamy home day-game specialist. If one or more of your eyes are not blue, go with ‘B’.
What am I thinking? If I instructed one of my fans to become a pitcher throwing in the 70s for the Royals, I’d be kicking myself for all of eternity. Long snapper it is!
Does it make you mad when people say you look like Zack Grinke?
Jeff S., (military in Vegas) originally from Missouri
This Grinke fellow sounds like a total heartthrob. I don’t get to see the tabloids all that often, but I am picturing his countless beach photos with countless abs and a nice spray-tan gracing the racks at the grocery registers. On a side note, is “heartthrob” really one word?
Another side note: Did you mean Greinke? Perhaps you did because we both have boyish good looks, a Hollywood smile, and a fastball we can dial up to 97mph if need be. Except for the fastball. And the Hollywood part. And the good part.
To answer your question, no it doesn’t make me mad. It’s nice to be able to flatter a guy like Zach. He’s may have a SI Cover under his belt, but under my belt, I have sculpted, tanned abs.
What is your favorite movie monologue? Mine is Terrance Mann’s “People will come” from Field of Dreams.
Chris B., Meridian, MS
Maude [from Harold and Maude]: “A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They’re just backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.”