Fan Mail Friday, June 26th

I have crawled into a hole after revealing to the world the story of me clogging a toilet.  As a result, I have “recruited” Mrs. Disco to write this week’s Fan Mail responses so as to not disappoint my fans.


Dude, Mrs. Disco is one hot babe. Does she obey your every beck and call?

Nick D., Cinque Terre, Italy

(ok, Nick isn’t actually from Italy, but he didn’t tell me where he’s from so we’re going to pretend he lives there in order to expand our already growing audience).

First, I’d like to say, why thank you, thank you very much Nicoluccio.  I’m guessing you may have wonderful taste if you’re from one of my favorite places in the world, so I’m flattered someone as cultured and foreign as you would call me “one hot babe”.  I take it as the utmost complimente.  Are you single?  Enjoy long walks from fishing village to fishing village?  If so, get in touch with me at mrsdisco@discohayes.com because I’ve got a couple cute single friends.  Wink.  (Oh, and you can direct all flower and jewelry deliveries to Rosenblatt Stadium, 1202 Bert Murphy Ave, Omaha, NE 68107 Attention: Mrs. Disco).

Waiiit a second.  Before you send endless compliments about how smart and funny I am and how lucky Disco is to have landed me think I better tackle the second part of your email. The question part, “Does she obey your every beck and call?”

Ahem.

I’m not sure if you were trying to butter me up right before implying I was a servant of Disco or what, but today’s your lucky day because I’m not going to kick your butt.  I won’t even challenge you to a “who can bend into the best yoga pose” contest, either.  Today, it was demanded of me, by His Disconess, I not only respond to his Fan Mail questions, but also do it with humor, wit, and as much good looks as he.  Whew, tall order, but I’ll do my best.

Merriam-Webster online defines “beck and call” as: “ready to obey one’s command immediately”.  And, just so you know, I only come-a-running in response to snapping, animal calls, or “Yo Bratface!”

  • Snapping usually means I need to trim raw chicken, season it, place it flatly in a zip-lock bag, and write “Hayes” and the date with a sharpie so he has food to eat at the field.
  • Any variety of an animal call usually means he’s out of clean underwear and I better bust my little booty into gear to have clean, non skid-marked underwear, sans-wrinkles ready before he departs for the field that day.
  • “Yo Bratface” is more often than not used when Disco is frantically yelling from a bathroom with a clogged toilet and I need to fetch the perfect poop stick. Pronto!

So I guess you can decide whether I obey his every beck and call or not, but the main reason I’m handling Fan Mail Friday today is due to Disco’s extreme embarrassment and shame in sharing his poop-a-boo stories the other day.  Hopefully I’ll be able to talk him out of his humiliated state soon… or whenever he snaps for me to jump to his every need.

You have made it clear you are “Disco” because you throw in the 70s. How hard does Mrs Disco throw?  One would have to assume she also throws in the 70s. And if you throw 77 or 78 that leaves the possibility she throws harder than you. If so, are you man enough to admit it?

Pieter P., Munich, Germany

Pieter, any chance you are actually Peter Piper, who picked a peck of pickled peppers, with just a weird, fancy spelling?

Wie Gehts Die? Danke Gut! Kann ich bitte pfeffer ausgewählt haben?*

Ha! I’ll bet you didn’t think I’d actually be able to respond to you in your mother language, did you?  To save the several hundred thousand fans who read Disco’s blog on a daily basis the trouble of hiring a translator just to enjoy the pure genius of these answers, I’ll spare you and respond in an ancient tribal language. Click. Cclick. Cluck. Click. Cllliick. Cliccckk.

Okay, okay. I swear, I’ll behave and respond to your question, Mr. Pieper.  I, Mrs. Disco, throw my fastball overhand 92 on a good day, side arm about 90, and bowling like Disco roughly 82-83.  My change up overhand is actually faster than my fastball, topping out at 97.  I think it’s because my middle finger is stronger than my index finger, thus thrusting the ball at a greater velocity, lighting up radar guns across the universe.  I’m still working on a knuckleball and I hear spitballs are no longer legal in professional baseball, which is fine with me ’cause I’m content just hitting off a tee with our 5-year-old nephew anyway.

And one more thing…obviously Disco is NOT man enough to admit it, otherwise he’d be answering these questions himself.

*Translation: How are you? I’m fine thank you. May I have a pickled pepper, please?

How old is too old to wear your hat backwards? I’ve heard that the general consensus is 27 yrs old. But I’ve also heard that trucker hats with velcro or snaps can be alloted an age much younger than that. Likewise, flex-fits can be worn backwards past 27 but there’s just an overall confusion on the entire matter. Please clarify for the masses before the hysteria consumes us all.

Aaron D.
Kansas City, MO

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron.  I’m willing to bet you’re 28 and still trying to pull off those dorky trucker hats with white mesh and random logos that sit like five feet up off your head aren’t you? Just kidding.🙂 It’s a good thing you asked this question when I was responding because unless Disco was a fashionista (last time I checked I’m pretty sure Disco only had tapered jeans and old man sweaters hanging in his closet before he met me), I doubt he’d be able to give you any kind of sound and up-to-date fashion advice.

How old is too old to wear your hat backwards?  I’m pretty sure if you’re not younger than 9 years old, you’re too old to wear it backwards (unless of course you’re a catcher) (or a ridiculously hot guy with a chiseled face and a little bit of scruff) (or my husband in the off-season when he’s allowed to have any facial hair). 

Well, my hypothesis failed me.  My plan was to show you pictures of the hottest of the hot guys out there who pull off backwards caps like exotic dancers pull off their clothes, but I’ve found my hypothesis to be invalid.  It seems all the hotty-hot-hots are so hot they don’t ever go out with a backwards hat, let alone any kind of disguise covering their gorgeous faces.  For instance, I scoured the internet and didn’t find any of these gems with a backwards cap of any kind.

Hot Guys with No Hats

So if you’re average looking without amazing hair and impeccable looks like the fellas pictured above (Utley, Hayes, Beckham, Hayes), you can wear a hat at any age. And if for some reason you’re blessed enough with a movie star face, you can wear whatever you want, whenever you want. Got that? Man, I’m getting myself all worked up over here with all these hotties, two of them being my ridiculously good looking husband, I’ve lost my thought process.  Where was I?

Ah. fitted hats. Yea, you know, I guess you can wear them as long as they aren’t too tight so they don’t leave a ring around your head.  I actually like guys in ball caps, so disregard everything I said above and dress up your head to your hearts desire. (Random side note: A while back before I met Disco, I threw a “Dress Your Head” party… you basically had to do something fun from the neck up.  We had everything from pink wigs, to chicken hats, to one guy wearing ah sock.  Yea, ‘parently he didn’t get the memo.)

Back to being serious for a second. Anyone can pull off pretty much anything if they’re confident.  Confidence rises above all trends of what to and what not to wear.  If you’re trying to pull off a rad Hurley trucker hat as long as you carry yourself with confidence (not cockiness, which is easily discoverable) you’re going to look great. Just one cardinal rule, unrelated to hats.  Whatever you do, if you’re under the age of 55, please do NOT be seen in public wearing socks with your sandals. Capeche?


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