Each Friday Disco takes the time to answer your fan mail questions. If you have a question of your own, please email it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Mr. Hayes,
I am new to learning anything about baseball. I have a person named Ryan M. B. who just graduated High School here in Arlington Texas. He is going to Texas Tech in Lubbock, I believe to better himself with the game. He is a true lover of the sport I am being told & shown. I believe he will indeed make something of himself in a career that will lead to the major leagues.
This is how I stumbled onto your blog. Not knowing anything about the order of things in baseball I figured that minor comes before major. So I feel that Ryan would do minor first the reason I followed it & found you. I would like to know how all this works. If Ryan is doing baseball as a study at TTU and is good at it what happens next up to how someone gets to the Major leagues? Would you know how to find the information on all the steps? I am curious to find out how a person makes it to the major leagues. If I know more I might be able to assist him somehow along the way.
One thing I might be able to help you with in your game ability. Your nickname & the type of song style you are seeking. First of all what you are focusing on is a ‘Disco type of music’, you got this title as well from the speed of your throwing capabilities. What I believe you need to improve your skills is a different type of music & drop the ‘Disco’ from your name. You will be whatever you focus on.
You need a more power driven type of music. One that is energetic based, more speed. I have just the music style I believe that you need. If you listen & focus on all this, I believe you will indeed improve your skill. I am enclosing some music by a band called, ‘Volbeat’ that are from Denmark. A uniqueness in power driven, smoothness & style.
Tell your fans & others that you are officially dropping ‘Disco’ from your name & stop using it. That is unless you are happy where you are. Plus you will get that ‘Chick’ off your back, I believe she calls herself,’Lady Gaga‘. I doubt if she can compete with Volbeat’s music. I have never heard her personally, I do hear that she has a bad taste in fashion though.
Take Care & Blessings,
Janette S., Arlington, TX
Jeg er ny på den måde, du taler. Jeg har konkluderet, at du har skrevet noget på et fremmed sprog og oversat det til engelsk for at sende til mig. Sikke en fornøjelse for mig! Jeg føler mig beæret over at have fans fra hele verden, selv om det betyder kun, Texas. Jeg havde aldrig hørt om VOLBEAT, så jeg gjorde en hurtig Wikipedia-søgning og fundet det er et dansk rock band, der fik det navn fra “Vol” stående for “bind” og “Beat” stående for “Beat”. Åh, disse vanskelige dansk. Så I’m guessing du er dansk og så jeg håber du er Værdistigningen det sjove ved at have mig svare dig på dit modersmål, selv om det kan være brudt i oversættelse en smule.
Jeg researchede VOLBEAT, men jeg har ikke hørt nogen af deres sange endnu. Jeg har en fornemmelse jeg må stick med Disco stuff, i det mindste for nu, selv om. I beg i halvfjerdserne er en sætning, ikke mange mennesker kan sige, selvom jeg er sikker på, at de fleste af VOLBEAT’s lyrics er temmelig svært at sige, også. Med hensyn til din bemærkning om “du er hvad du fokuserer på” Jeg er helt enig, og jeg er en dominerende Pitcher grund af præcis hvordan jeg kast. Jeg takker Dem for Deres tips og overvejelse.
Jeg ønsker din ven Ryan de bedste på Texas Tech. Det er en god skole for at studere baseball, så han er på rette vej.
De vigtigste for ham vil være at spille godt i college og derefter håber spejdere vil kunne lide ham og ønsker at udkastet til ham. Mere end noget, jeg vil fortælle ham at falde helt kæmpe bomber og forsøger at kaste langt over hundred miles i timen. Jeg tror i kilometer, der er over hundrede og tres. Hvis han ikke gør nogen af disse to, han bare har at være virkelig konsekvent og udbudt gode numre. Som freshman, fortælle ham, at bare arbejde virkelig hårdt og komme i virkelig god form, så en Sophomore og Junior han vil være stærk og klar til at klare sig godt. Når han kommer i kontakt med spejdere, de normalt har spillere udfylder oplysninger pakker så de organisationer vide noget om ham. De er ofte spørge ting som, hvor mange penge, han ønsker at underskrive for, og selvom jeg aldrig oplevet dette, eller har jeg haft råd til det, blot i form af forhandlingstaktikker vil jeg anbefale forlader disse ting tomt. Det ser ud til en ung knægt med stor spænding at få underskrevet vil sandsynligvis sige noget, og måske give de organisationer, alt for meget information. Gøre dem svede det ud og lad dem tilbyde noget først.
Når han gør få underskrevet, er det en lang vej til at komme til de store ligaer. Jeg skriver en bog om det, og meget af min blog taler om det, så hvis du holder læser her, kan det være nyttigt. Din ven har i mindst tre år, indtil han kan få udarbejdet, så min bog vil være ude af derefter, og det bør kaste ganske lidt lys over processen.
Jeg håber, at dette hjælper, og du deler min blogs med dine danske venner.
I’m from the Omaha area originally, and now reside in Florida. Could I mail you an item to have you autograph it for me?
Cord C., Port Charlotte, FL
Cord, this seems silly to respond on my blog, but I’ve tried a number of times via email to reply to you, and I keep getting “Return to Sender”. Perhaps this is better, because other people may have the same question, so I’ll answer publicly:
Rosenblatt Stadium attn: Disco Hayes
1202 Bert Murphy Ave.
Omaha, NE 68107
Feel free to send anything with a self-addressed, stamped return envelope and I will sign it and put it in the mail for the next day. This happens on a daily basis in the clubhouse, though I have only had the honor of signing two things in such a way (both to the same guy in Florida on consecutive years). I would be thrilled to sign something, so send away! Again, Cord, sorry my previous emails didn’t go through, so I hope you’re checking back to read the blog.
In ancient times (roughly 1979), a fellow with a rather odd, underhanded delivery, also given to bouts of wit, was promoted from Omaha to Kansas City. He drank coffee in the bullpen until the eighth inning, came into games throwing baseballs rarely touching 80 miles per hour in velocity, yet somehow persuaded real athletes to beat their bats into plowshares and the ball into the ground, where Frank White, U.L. Washington and various firstbasemen cooperated to turn doubleplays, upsetting the sense of fair play and providing the Royals Baseball Club with two pennants and one World Championship. For years now, masochistic Royals fans such as myself have wandered in the desert, listening on our radios as people with names like [Censored] made a mess of things. We have been waiting for “THE ONE”. I really don’t care about all this “Disco” nonsense. Ever since I heard about
your promotion and modus operandi, I’ve been wanting to watch you in action. That other fellow was 26 when he was promoted from Omaha to KC. I hope history repeats itself. I prefer to call you “Chrisenberry.”
For as much crap I have thrown on you and made you carry my baggage for me all these years, I feel it is the least I can do to change my name for you. I’ll take out that little cardboard label in the “American Tourister” tag and change my name to Chrisenberry. I should probably update my address from the house I moved out of eight years ago, too.
When I make it to KC and we get two pennants and a World Championship, you can call me “Carry On” if you’d like for all I care. You just may have to go around the luggage carousel a few extra times because I doubt I will catch on right away that the bag passing by shouting, “Carry On,” is calling for me. I’ll be used to “Chrisenberry”.
I am also a little annoyed you didn’t give me a “shout out” as the person who got your blog put up on The Big Lead. Just as your wife was about the Lady Gaga song.
Jeff W., Omaha, NE
Jeff, I have a number of bones to pick with you here. First, leave the sentence fragments to me. That’s my job. Secondly, I’m surprised you’re selfish enough to try to take some of the credit away from me for being such a big hit on The Big Lead. After all, the point of this blog is to give credit to me.
Was I aware you were the one who got me on The Big Lead in the first place?  And what has The Big Lead done for me anyway?  I mean, you asking to be shamelessly promoted on my blog is like me begging to get back on The Big Lead by continuing to link to it from my blog. But why would I even want to be on their site anyway? 
If I had known  you were involved in the exposure to The Big Lead , I would have been more than happy to give you props as I did with Chris M on my awesome Twitter background design and will do in weeks to come when web developer Dan P. from Austin, TX may help me with some poll ideas for the blog. But I had no idea you were involved  and that’s why I didn’t give you any credit for my blog becoming insanely more popular than ever before on one particular day. 
So, if you want to get full credit for submitting my blog to The Big Lead, IF you claim you already have once , perhaps you can do it “again” , even though we all know you never did , and though any increase in ratings  will obviously come, not due to the exposure , but rather due to pure chance  or just a particularly funny day  on the blog.
But seriously, thanks for submitting, and any time anyone wants to help make me more famous, I’ll be happy to give you props at the bottom of a post most people gave up reading half way through.
So, thanks Jeff, keep up the good work. You are now the proud owner of a lifetime VIP pass to the “Discotheque”. Any other readers out there doing work to broaden my fame? Email me and I’ll probably forget about you too. But the thousands of fans and future dollars you bring in for me will never be forgotten (unless they, in turn, do something nice and email me about it).
 As saddened as I was Google Translator had nothing for “Godspeed”, I was even more elated with what it did with “Disco”. [back]
 I swear I did not make this up, he/she actually signed it “Suitcase”. [back]
 Turns out I went back and checked and sure enough, you did send me an email making it unequivocally clear you submitted my blog to The Big Lead. My bad on that one. [back]
 It did increase my page hits TENFOLD on the day it debuted on The Big Lead. [back]
No, I will not use any of your music as my intro song! I will not! Stop harassing me. Stop coming out with songs about Disco. They are amazing songs and your talent is overwhelming, but I will NOT USE ONE OF YOUR SONGS. How many times can I say no, Gaga? I know in a recent post I asked people to help me find an intro song, but stop coming out with songs about Disco and having them play on the radio and then on repeat in my head.
You are now up to four songs out of forty-two (and it took some serious Googling to find as many as forty-two of your “songs”) that are about Disco. It’s getting out of control and pretty stalker-ish. Can you imagine if The Beatles were as obsessed with me as you are? There would be entire box sets of songs Ringo, alone, wrote about Disco. I already have some people lined up as my craziest fans, but you are going above and beyond here. The paper mache and charcoal drawings from fans haven’t bothered me all that much so far, but when you go out and get record labels to sponsor your childish attempts to earn my good graces, it affects everyone. I’m not trying to be crass here; I do appreciate you reading my blog and seeing I wanted help finding intro music and then going so far as to record four songs about me as possibilities, but I am not going to use any of them. I’ve already committed to choosing from the Disco Era and your 2009 pop music just isn’t going to work (I don’t foresee a 109mph fastball emerging here any time soon). Whereas everyone else just sent me a quick email or posted a comment suggesting a particular intro song, you went out and wrote and recorded four songs, practically begging for me to pick you. Well, I won’t do it and I suggest you stop before this gets way out of hand.
I became fully aware of your obsession when I recently downloaded some more of your music* to get a greater variety than just Poker Face and, um, I think there was another, but maybe not. Listen, I love your music. I’m a fan. I hate to even admit it because
the last thing I want to do is add fuel to the already scorching fire.
I am picturing another couple of singles coming out by the end of the
week about shower shoes, shower knobs, and donuts and that’s what
freaks me out. I want you to still be a fan and I want you to keep
writing music, but you can’t continue to mix the two. Your music is
too good to let your love for me get in the way.
*Also, once I start getting paid to blog, I’ll be able to pay you for those songs…it’s just things are kinda tight right now
Your beats are…well, we’ll get to the beats later…but not a day goes by where I don’t pump up the bass on all 6 of my speakers in my CR-V (six speakers came standard on the EX model–no big deal) and lose touch with the real world and dive into your world. But it’s only a matter of time before I get reminded of how freakishly addicted you are to me. If you had written one song about me and wanted me to use it as my big league intro song, I’d be flattered and say no. But now that I have multiple songs you’ve written about me, we’re getting to stage-five clinger territory. I appreciate your Disco songs, I really do. It is very thoughtful of you to go out of your way to try to write an intro song for me. I’ve had crazy fans do things like design a logo for me. Others have sent love letters by the thousands, come out to ballparks with signs, and still more have asked me to sign a plunger. This is my first taste into having crazy AND famous fans, so I’m not quite sure where to go with this. I’ll just jump right in.
In “Boys, Boys, Boys” you refer to me as “Glam-aphonic, elec-tronic,” which I appreciate, considering both terms have been used to describe my “raw tools” and “make-up” as a pitcher. But then you take it a step too far with the part about wanting to “make out in the bleachers.” How do you expect me to be warming up for a game with tens of thousands of fans in the bleachers and have that blare across the loud speakers? Baseball games are supposed to be family affairs, let’s keep it that way, Gaga. What were you thinking?
“Retro, Dance, Freak” is just that. It’s all retro, all dance, and all freak. Before I dive in, I must say, I love your use of serial commas in your song titles. Just when I think you come up with the last set of three words that could be used to describe a song (or the same word three times as we have seen previously), you come up with something like “Retro, Dance, Freak” and blow the doors of any other commas used in series in history. Now again, I don’t want to fluff you up here because I’m trying to be clear cut in my absolute, concrete stance of not using one of your countless amazing, heart-pounding, mood-lifting, lip-biting songs as my intro music. Oh, and also, I wanted to say, man, you wore those bubbles so well on that rolling Stones Cover. No. Nope, not gonna use your songs. Stops right here. Not gonna do it…In “Retro, Dance, Freak,” you use my name in the following sentence “She is the queen of the Fra-Disco scene.” I don’t even know what that means but I’m assuming you are using the third person and your undying crush on my as your muses. That’s just creepy. Also, on “The Fame” Album, this is some sort of hidden bonus track that was only released in Japan? Suuuuuuuper creepy.
“Love Games” is a clever one. I appreciate the allegory of Love as Baseball, and the references to me wanting to play a love game. But this isn’t a game. Well baseball is, and baseball is a love of mine, and it’s a game, so how do I explain this? Ah, your clever writing and exotic fashion sense are getting me off subject again. You and your music have a way of doing that with me. Where was I? Oh, right, “Love Games.” I just don’t think people will get the true meaning when you declare you “Want it bad, Want it bad. A love game, A love game.” It’s too complex for the average fan. And I’m still confused on how “3 seconds” will be enough for your “heart to quit it”, but I’m sure it has to do with ground balls and strikeouts. It’s not that part I’m worried about, though. You “wanna take a ride on my disco stick”!?!? At what stadium did you think that would be appropriate? After explaining you went overboard with making out in the bleachers, you respond by suggesting a walk-out song in which the main chorus seems to focus solely on my Disco Stick. Poop stick is one thing, that’s fair game, but the ole Disco Stick? Come on, G. Let’s keep it rated that way.
Man, but that beat is sick. Mmm, let’s have some fun……
Ahem, and last but not least, “Disco Heaven“? “D-I-S-C-O”? I’m sure Old McDonald wishes he stamped that one into history instead, but this song is way over the top and too much. And besides, I’m a bit upset about the line, “Throw it like those girls.” You should know I’m pretty sensitive to “you throw like a girl” comments in reference to my pitching style, so if you were trying to inch your way into Disco Heaven, this was not the route to go by. Oh yeah, and another hidden international bonus track? Nixed. It does feel like heaven in here, you’re just not invited.
It comes down to this: It’s not you; it’s not really me either; it’s just that people aren’t ready for your songs. Look at me, I’m writing sentences with a colon and three semi-colons just to avoid flattering you with a serial comma. This is a bad situation. Bad for the blog, and no one, no matter how talented or famous will come between me and my blog. Another fragment! I’m rattled.
So, Gaga, please stop writing songs about me in hopes of having me use them as my intro music. It’s better for everyone. But keep writing songs. Definitely keep writing songs. I don’t know how else I’d survive the drive along Interstate 80 every day to the ballpark in Omaha.
Sincerely, Platonically, and from a distance,