Dear Lady Gaga,
No, I will not use any of your music as my intro song! I will not! Stop harassing me. Stop coming out with songs about Disco. They are amazing songs and your talent is overwhelming, but I will NOT USE ONE OF YOUR SONGS. How many times can I say no, Gaga? I know in a recent post I asked people to help me find an intro song, but stop coming out with songs about Disco and having them play on the radio and then on repeat in my head.
You are now up to four songs out of forty-two (and it took some serious Googling to find as many as forty-two of your “songs”) that are about Disco. It’s getting out of control and pretty stalker-ish. Can you imagine if The Beatles were as obsessed with me as you are? There would be entire box sets of songs Ringo, alone, wrote about Disco. I already have some people lined up as my craziest fans, but you are going above and beyond here. The paper mache and charcoal drawings from fans haven’t bothered me all that much so far, but when you go out and get record labels to sponsor your childish attempts to earn my good graces, it affects everyone. I’m not trying to be crass here; I do appreciate you reading my blog and seeing I wanted help finding intro music and then going so far as to record four songs about me as possibilities, but I am not going to use any of them. I’ve already committed to choosing from the Disco Era and your 2009 pop music just isn’t going to work (I don’t foresee a 109mph fastball emerging here any time soon). Whereas everyone else just sent me a quick email or posted a comment suggesting a particular intro song, you went out and wrote and recorded four songs, practically begging for me to pick you. Well, I won’t do it and I suggest you stop before this gets way out of hand.
I became fully aware of your obsession when I recently downloaded some more of your music* to get a greater variety than just Poker Face and, um, I think there was another, but maybe not. Listen, I love your music. I’m a fan. I hate to even admit it because
the last thing I want to do is add fuel to the already scorching fire.
I am picturing another couple of singles coming out by the end of the
week about shower shoes, shower knobs, and donuts and that’s what
freaks me out. I want you to still be a fan and I want you to keep
writing music, but you can’t continue to mix the two. Your music is
too good to let your love for me get in the way.
*Also, once I start getting paid to blog, I’ll be able to pay you for those songs…it’s just things are kinda tight right now
Your beats are…well, we’ll get to the beats later…but not a day goes by where I don’t pump up the bass on all 6 of my speakers in my CR-V (six speakers came standard on the EX model–no big deal) and lose touch with the real world and dive into your world. But it’s only a matter of time before I get reminded of how freakishly addicted you are to me. If you had written one song about me and wanted me to use it as my big league intro song, I’d be flattered and say no. But now that I have multiple songs you’ve written about me, we’re getting to stage-five clinger territory. I appreciate your Disco songs, I really do. It is very thoughtful of you to go out of your way to try to write an intro song for me. I’ve had crazy fans do things like design a logo for me. Others have sent love letters by the thousands, come out to ballparks with signs, and still more have asked me to sign a plunger. This is my first taste into having crazy AND famous fans, so I’m not quite sure where to go with this. I’ll just jump right in.
In “Boys, Boys, Boys” you refer to me as “Glam-aphonic, elec-tronic,” which I appreciate, considering both terms have been used to describe my “raw tools” and “make-up” as a pitcher. But then you take it a step too far with the part about wanting to “make out in the bleachers.” How do you expect me to be warming up for a game with tens of thousands of fans in the bleachers and have that blare across the loud speakers? Baseball games are supposed to be family affairs, let’s keep it that way, Gaga. What were you thinking?
“Retro, Dance, Freak” is just that. It’s all retro, all dance, and all freak. Before I dive in, I must say, I love your use of serial commas in your song titles. Just when I think you come up with the last set of three words that could be used to describe a song (or the same word three times as we have seen previously), you come up with something like “Retro, Dance, Freak” and blow the doors of any other commas used in series in history. Now again, I don’t want to fluff you up here because I’m trying to be clear cut in my absolute, concrete stance of not using one of your countless amazing, heart-pounding, mood-lifting, lip-biting songs as my intro music. Oh, and also, I wanted to say, man, you wore those bubbles so well on that rolling Stones Cover. No. Nope, not gonna use your songs. Stops right here. Not gonna do it…In “Retro, Dance, Freak,” you use my name in the following sentence “She is the queen of the Fra-Disco scene.” I don’t even know what that means but I’m assuming you are using the third person and your undying crush on my as your muses. That’s just creepy. Also, on “The Fame” Album, this is some sort of hidden bonus track that was only released in Japan? Suuuuuuuper creepy.
“Love Games” is a clever one. I appreciate the allegory of Love as Baseball, and the references to me wanting to play a love game. But this isn’t a game. Well baseball is, and baseball is a love of mine, and it’s a game, so how do I explain this? Ah, your clever writing and exotic fashion sense are getting me off subject again. You and your music have a way of doing that with me. Where was I? Oh, right, “Love Games.” I just don’t think people will get the true meaning when you declare you “Want it bad, Want it bad. A love game, A love game.” It’s too complex for the average fan. And I’m still confused on how “3 seconds” will be enough for your “heart to quit it”, but I’m sure it has to do with ground balls and strikeouts. It’s not that part I’m worried about, though. You “wanna take a ride on my disco stick”!?!? At what stadium did you think that would be appropriate? After explaining you went overboard with making out in the bleachers, you respond by suggesting a walk-out song in which the main chorus seems to focus solely on my Disco Stick. Poop stick is one thing, that’s fair game, but the ole Disco Stick? Come on, G. Let’s keep it rated that way.
Man, but that beat is sick. Mmm, let’s have some fun……
Ahem, and last but not least, “Disco Heaven“? “D-I-S-C-O”? I’m sure Old McDonald wishes he stamped that one into history instead, but this song is way over the top and too much. And besides, I’m a bit upset about the line, “Throw it like those girls.” You should know I’m pretty sensitive to “you throw like a girl” comments in reference to my pitching style, so if you were trying to inch your way into Disco Heaven, this was not the route to go by. Oh yeah, and another hidden international bonus track? Nixed. It does feel like heaven in here, you’re just not invited.
It comes down to this: It’s not you; it’s not really me either; it’s just that people aren’t ready for your songs. Look at me, I’m writing sentences with a colon and three semi-colons just to avoid flattering you with a serial comma. This is a bad situation. Bad for the blog, and no one, no matter how talented or famous will come between me and my blog. Another fragment! I’m rattled.
So, Gaga, please stop writing songs about me in hopes of having me use them as my intro music. It’s better for everyone. But keep writing songs. Definitely keep writing songs. I don’t know how else I’d survive the drive along Interstate 80 every day to the ballpark in Omaha.
Sincerely, Platonically, and from a distance,