July 2009

Fan Mail Friday, July 31st

Dear Disco,
First of all, I just want to tell you that my sister and I (lifelong Royals fans, thanks to our KC sports-crazy father) have become HUGE fans of the blog!  Keep up the good work!  For my question, I would like to know whether, as the top blogger/relief pitching prospect in the Royals organization, have you had a chance to visit Kansas City and sample our wonderful barbecue??  If not, WHEN you get called up, can my sister and I take you and Mrs. Disco out to dinner?  It would make our year!  Can’t wait to see you and your fantastic calves in KC!
Jessie F., Kansas City, MO

I have been to Kansas City, Jessie.  And I have had the opportunity to try out the wonderful barbecue.  So does this mean your offer for dinner is off the table?

After my first season in 2006 in the Royals Organization, I made a trip in September down to see “The K” and check out the city.  I wanted to know what I had to look forward to, and I’m very glad I went.  The only bad part about my trip was the fact I’m convinced MCI Airport is equally as far from Kauffman as where I was living in Chicago was from Kauffman.  I spent a decent amount of money on my flight so I wouldn’t have to drive eight hours, yet when I landed, I had to rent a car and drive eight hours to get to the field.  What city planner planned that one out?  I’m convinced in the event the Indian Subcontinent breaks off and falls into the sea, all one-billion natives will be able to move to Kansas City and the airport will still be far enough out of town to not interrupt the new developments.  I guess that’s a good thing; the more Royals fans, the merrier.

Mrs. Disco has also been to KC, though it was a very brief stop.  On our way from Double-A Arkansas on the drive to Omaha (yes, after the famous poop story) we drove through KC and needed gas.  So we went on a bit of a detour and drove by the field so I could see the renovations and she could see “The K” for the first time.  It was after midnight, but turns out there were workers still there and one gate was open, so we went in to see the field in the pitch dark.  We were so nervous we would get caught, we brought a copy of the Royals Gameday Magazine (my edition is, of course, the only one sold out) which had an article mentioning us and a picture of me as faux-ID.  As in, “Sorry, yeah we probably shouldn’t be in here this late, but we hope to be here for real in the near future, look, I’m an employee…etc, look at me.  Would you not arrest us if I signed this copy for you?”

But since you offered dinner only if we hadn’t been to KC before, it looks like I’m going to have to wait and have one of the transplants from India take me and Mrs. Disco out…but frankly, we’re not big fans of curry.

Please rank the following one-on-one contests with hypothetical opponents in order of increasing awesomeness. “Awesomeness” can be defined any way you like and assume your opponents are in their prime and that you are having a “good day.”

You pitching against Roy Hobbs
…playing chess against Bobby Fischer
…versus Forrest Gump at ping pong
…bowling against The Dude, Jeff Lebowski
…wrestling an alligator
…versus Marlon Brando and Sean Connery at Celebrity Jeopardy!
…boxing Ivan Drago
…in a stare-down with the “I Like Turtles” kid
…cooking against Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi
…versus Jimmy from “The Wizard” at Super Mario Brothers 3

Jimmy M., Ann Arbor, Mich.

Jimmy, my answer in order of decreasing “awesomness”, with details on how the outcome comes about, as you have requested.  Also, I would like to note I appreciate you recognizing that even with my opponents in their “prime” you had the foresight to recognize they would not be having a good day while at my mercy.

1.  Disco v. Roy Hobbs

Fastball, sinks low and away at the knees, called strike.  Roy yells “cut” and begins berating at the umpire for going “off script”.  Before he knows it, I quick pitch another fastball, this one right down Broadway and he has no time to get the bat up to his shoulder, let alone back off it.  Strike two.  Roy steps out of the box and looks at the director and his agent and puts his hands up.  They do the same in return.  He steps back in the left handed batter’s box realizing he’s just going to have to hit a bomb off me on his own accord.  I can tell he’s got “auto-swing” on so I throw a nasty slider that starts out over the heart of the plate.  He takes a hellacious cut as the slider breaks directly into his groin.  I match the single-greatest feat in my pitching career (I did this once in college on one other occasion, seriously, I have) by striking a player out and hitting him in the testicles at the same time.  Annnnnnnd scene.

2.  Disco v. The Dude

The Dude, known as a prolific member of a bowling team, has never actually bowled.  It’s a little known fact that, while Donny rolled often, the Dude never actually bowls.  In his first attempt at the sport, he abides to a strict diet of gutter balls.  I, on the other hand, can throw a bowling ball 78mph and break 120 pins en route to a 300 game.  Bummer man, 300-0 Disco.

3.  Disco v. Turtles Kid

Two hours into the stare-down, a turtle begins to walk by.  I reach to try to grab it and despite how slow my arm moves when close to the ground, the turtle walks slowly enough I’m able to catch it.  I then proceed to throw the turtle slightly faster than it was crawling, and the boy, who seems to really like turtles, begins to cry.  His tear ducts flood his eyes and force them to dispel the water with a quick blink.  Disco wins in 2:02:24.

4.  Disco v. Alligator

As a submariner, underwater battles are my specialty.  Shallow water isn’t ideal for me, but regardless, one well-placed torpedo to the mouth is more than the alligator can chew.  Disco in a TKO.

5.  Disco v. Brando, Connor, et al

Jeopardy round categories: Blog Hilarity, Donuts, Shower Temps, “Eau” Two Counts, Lady Gaga, and Meatballs
Disco: $22,000 Brando: $3,000 Connor: $0.

Double Jeopardy round categories: Chess Masters, “Lo” Arm Slots, Donna Summer, Yoga “in structures”, Submarines, and Taming Cougars
Disco: $63,000 Brando: $2,000 Connor: $4,000.

Final Jeopardy: Unclogging Toilets
Disco: $1,200,001 Brando: $0 Connor: $0.

6.  Disco v. Forrest Gump

Match begins with no warm ups, so Gump has no idea what he’s in store for.  He serves first and I take a hellacious swing of my own, returning the ball at 78mph.  Gump swings twice and misses both times only to see the ball yet to get to his side of the table.  The insanely slow return baffles him for the balance of the match and his incredibly impressive quick return skills doom him.  21-0 Disco.

7.  Disco v. Ivan Drago

One swift ground-up underhanded uppercut accidentally to the groin knocks Drago out.  Disco, KO in fir
st.


8.  Disco v. Bobby Fischer

With an unfaltering sense of confidence after coming off a defeat of the kid who played the kid in “Searching for Bobby Fischer”, Max Pomeranc, I stroll into the match with no doubts of my superiority (I did actually beat Max Pomeranc in a national tournament in San Jose, CA in the mid 90s).  The match begins, and no one can find Fischer.  His clock ticks.  Seconds before time expires, he runs into the room, hair disheveled and unkempt, he plays pawn to queen’s four.  Disco smiles, plays knight to king’s bishop’s six, which surprises Fischer and causes him to pause, which causes his clock to run out.  Disco wins.


9.  Disco v. Chef Kenichi

The secret ingredient is chicken which is right up my alley, seeing as I eat it two meals per day.  Three if you include it’s eggs.  When the starting bell goes off, I use my engineering, problem solver skills to realize the letters to Chef Chen Kenichi spell Chief Hen Chicken.  I then use my skills as a psychology minor to implant in the Chef’s head the thought that his long lost mother was actually a chicken and she named him accordingly to discreetly keep her legacy.  He proceeds to cook a delicious meal, but refuses to use the chicken and I defeat him with my grilled chicken with Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce.  30-0, Iron Chef DQ’d for not using the ingredient.


10.  Disco v. Jimmy

Jimmy would ask me a fan mail question, most likely in an effort to stump me, and I would give a number of perfect responses in which I go undefeated.  The streak doesn’t change.  Sorry Jimmy, but I win, 10-nil.  Good thing your names are the same, ecause I suck at video games and would hate to go 9-1.

Times are rough, any good real estate or investment tips?
Lacy J., San Mateo, CA

In a roundabout way, here’s my answer.  Lots of people think $.50 and .50¢ mean the same thing.  Look at that sentence, let it marinate and then prepare to get upset about it the rest of your life.  If you don’t believe me, just give it time and I guarantee if you truly grasp the difference, you will find signs or advertisements somewhere which confuse the two.  Take a few weeks ago when I walked into Home Depot.  I checked out, paid my bill, and then found they had small caribeeners on display at the counter on sale for .89¢.  I handed the lady behind the counter a penny and said, I would like one of these caribeeners.  She looked at me like I was crazy, and I only added to her stance when I said, “keep the change” and smiled.  I didn’t want to make a scene or get charged with petty theft, so I let things be and returned the caribeener.  I didn’t want it, but I also don’t like spare pennies jingling in my pocket.

“Home depot?” you say, “Really?”  Oh yeah.  Whether it’s .08¢ copies advertised at Kinkos or that “Life Alert” commercial which advertises service for .50¢ per day, big companies spending big bucks don’t even realize the mistake.  It is all over grocery stores, TV, and print media; it’s commonplace.

So, to your question…I say find some property or a building for sale that wants around 50¢ per square foot.  Wear a nice suit and sunglasses and walk in like you are a big deal and slam a contract on the table offering .99¢ per square foot.  I assume you know where I’m going with this, but once you purchase the property, sell it immediately for half of what the original owner was asking and you are rich.  Quick example: 1 million square foot warehouse property on sale for 50¢ per square foot.  Agree to .99¢ per square foot and once the owner stops celebrating, pay him $9,900.  Turn around tomorrow and sell it for 25¢ per square foot, or $250,000.  Profit: $240,100, or 2425%.  Let’s just hope AIG keeps reverse splitting before it gets back down below $1.00 again or else everyone may start to learn what a decimal really means.  If this scares you, hedge my strategy by shorting AIG.

*Disclaimer: Don’t tell anyone you got this idea from me.  And also, most importantly, don’t do it.  That would be really mean.
**But if you do pull it off, please email me the numbers and every time I see .xx¢ displayed, I will no longer be upset, I will think of you.
***All I ask is 100% of your profit.

Dear Lady Gaga,

No, I will not use any of your music as my intro song!  I will not!  Stop harassing me.  Stop coming out with songs about Disco.  They are amazing songs and your talent is overwhelming, but I will NOT USE ONE OF YOUR SONGS.  How many times can I say no, Gaga?  I know in a recent post I asked people to help me find an intro song, but stop coming out with songs about Disco and having them play on the radio and then on repeat in my head.

You are now up to four songs out of forty-two (and it took some serious Googling to find as many as forty-two of your “songs”) that are about Disco.  It’s getting out of control and pretty stalker-ish.  Can you imagine if The Beatles were as obsessed with me as you are?  There would be entire box sets of songs Ringo, alone, wrote about Disco.  I already have some people lined up as my craziest fans, but you are going above and beyond here.  The paper mache and charcoal drawings from fans haven’t bothered me all that much so far, but when you go out and get record labels to sponsor your childish attempts to earn my good graces, it affects everyone.  I’m not trying to be crass here; I do appreciate you reading my blog and seeing I wanted help finding intro music and then going so far as to record four songs about me as possibilities, but I am not going to use any of them.  I’ve already committed to choosing from the Disco Era and your 2009 pop music just isn’t going to work (I don’t foresee a 109mph fastball emerging here any time soon).  Whereas everyone else just sent me a quick email or posted a comment suggesting a particular intro song, you went out and wrote and recorded four songs, practically begging for me to pick you.  Well, I won’t do it and I suggest you stop before this gets way out of hand.

I became fully aware of your obsession when I recently downloaded some more of your music* to get a greater variety than just Poker Face and, um, I think there was another, but maybe not.  Listen, I love your music.  I’m a fan.  I hate to even admit it because
the last thing I want to do is add fuel to the already scorching fire. 
I am picturing another couple of singles coming out by the end of the
week about shower shoes, shower knobs, and donuts and that’s what
freaks me out.  I want you to still be a fan and I want you to keep
writing music, but you can’t continue to mix the two.  Your music is
too good to let your love for me get in the way.

*Also, once I start getting paid to blog, I’ll be able to pay you for those songs…it’s just things are kinda tight right now

Your beats are…well, we’ll get to the beats later…but not a day goes by where I don’t pump up the bass on all 6 of my speakers in my CR-V (six speakers came standard on the EX model–no big deal) and lose touch with the real world and dive into your world.  But it’s only a matter of time before I get reminded of how freakishly addicted you are to me.  If you had written one song about me and wanted me to use it as my big league intro song, I’d be flattered and say no.  But now that I have multiple songs you’ve written about me, we’re getting to stage-five clinger territory.  I appreciate your Disco songs, I really do.  It is very thoughtful of you to go out of your way to try to write an intro song for me.  I’ve had crazy fans do things like design a logo for me.  Others have sent love letters by the thousands, come out to ballparks with signs, and still more have asked me to sign a plunger.  This is my first taste into having crazy AND famous fans, so I’m not quite sure where to go with this.  I’ll just jump right in.

In “Boys, Boys, Boys” you refer to me as “Glam-aphonic, elec-tronic,” which I appreciate, considering both terms have been used to describe my “raw tools” and “make-up” as a pitcher.  But then you take it a step too far with the part about wanting to “make out in the bleachers.”  How do you expect me to be warming up for a game with tens of thousands of fans in the bleachers and have that blare across the loud speakers?  Baseball games are supposed to be family affairs, let’s keep it that way, Gaga.  What were you thinking?

Retro, Dance, Freak” is just that.  It’s all retro, all dance, and all freak.  Before I dive in, I must say, I love your use of serial commas in your song titles.  Just when I think you come up with the last set of three words that could be used to describe a song (or the same word three times as we have seen previously), you come up with something like “Retro, Dance, Freak” and blow the doors of any other commas used in series in history.  Now again, I don’t want to fluff you up here because I’m trying to be clear cut in my absolute, concrete stance of not using one of your countless amazing, heart-pounding, mood-lifting, lip-biting songs as my intro music.  Oh, and also, I wanted to say, man, you wore those bubbles so well on that rolling Stones Cover.  No.  Nope, not gonna use your songs.  Stops right here.  Not gonna do it…In “Retro, Dance, Freak,” you use my name in the following sentence “She is the queen of the Fra-Disco scene.”  I don’t even know what that means but I’m assuming you are using the third person and your undying crush on my as your muses.  That’s just creepy.  Also, on “The Fame” Album, this is some sort of hidden bonus track that was only released in Japan?  Suuuuuuuper creepy.

Love Games” is a clever one.  I appreciate the allegory of Love as Baseball, and the references to me wanting to play a love game.  But this isn’t a game.  Well baseball is, and baseball is a love of mine, and it’s a game, so how do I explain this?  Ah, your clever writing and exotic fashion sense are getting me off subject again.  You and your music have a way of doing that with me.  Where was I?  Oh, right, “Love Games.”  I just don’t think people will get the true meaning when you declare you “Want it bad, Want it bad.  A love game, A love game.”  It’s too complex for the average fan.  And I’m still confused on how “3 seconds” will be enough for your “heart to quit it”, but I’m sure it has to do with ground balls and strikeouts.  It’s not that part I’m worried about, though.  You “wanna take a ride on my disco stick”!?!?  At what stadium did you think that would be appropriate?  After explaining you went overboard with making out in the bleachers, you respond by suggesting a walk-out song in which the main chorus seems to focus solely on my Disco Stick.  Poop stick is one thing, that’s fair game, but the ole Disco Stick?  Come on, G.  Let’s keep it rated that way.

Man, but that beat is sick.  Mmm, let’s have some fun……

Ahem, and last but not least, “Disco Heaven“?  “D-I-S-C-O”?  I’m sure Old McDonald wishes he stamped that one into history instead, but this song is way over the top and too much.  And besides, I’m a bit upset about the line, “Throw it like those girls.”  You should know I’m pretty sensitive to “you throw like a girl” comments in reference to my pitching style, so if you were trying to inch your way into Disco Heaven, this was not the route to go by.  Oh yeah, and another hidden international bonus track?  Nixed.  It does feel like heaven in here, you’re just not invited.

It comes down to this: It’s not you; it’s not really me either; it’s just that people aren’t ready for your songs.  Look at me, I’m writing sentences with a colon and three semi-colons just to avoid flattering you with a serial comma.  This is a bad situation.  Bad for the blog, and no one, no matter how talented or famous will come between me and my blog.  Another fragment!  I’m rattled.

So, Gaga, please stop writing songs about me in hopes of having me use them as my intro music.  It’s better for everyone.  But keep writing songs.  Definitely keep writing songs.  I don’t know how else I’d survive the drive along Interstate 80 every day to the ballpark in Omaha.

Sincerely, Platonically, and from a distance,
Disco

1 Minute Monday, July 27th

Giving up inherited runs is one of the worst feelings.  Especially when it’s in the 9th inning and your starter threw amazingly well and you end up losing his opportuinty for a win.  It’s a sinking feeling when the runs score and you’re standing out on the mound.  Right about now, I feel about as valuable as Mel Kiper the day after the NFL draft.  Relief PItching can be a

Fan Mail Friday, July 25th

Dear Disco Hayes,
As a long-time fan who has followed your career for upwards of two months, I find myself curious about your success. I see that you finished the 2007 season with a 3.10 ERA in A ball–which is obviously pretty damn good. But the following year, you had 1.64 ERA in AA which is–to use a baseball word–“better.” You may have noticed that this year was even better. So the question is: to what do you attribute your improvement?
Dan O., Topeka, KS

Dan-O!  Good question, and thanks for your amazingly loyal fandom.  Can you believe it’s already been two months?  Man, time flies.  I typically answer with off-the-wall, smart-alec answers (see below, or most any other fan mail question I’ve answered ever), but aside from calling you Dan-O, which I apologize for, I feel compelled to answer this one honestly and seriously.  But, I can’t answer it completely.  I have many secrets, and to be honest, I don’t feel right now is the ideal time to reveal my best ones.

I have done a lot of work on the mental side of pitching, and competing for that matter, which has helped me greatly.  In my first two professional seasons (and in my collegiate and independent ball seasons prior) I went the majority of the year with an ERA under 2.00 and then would have one or two games where I’d give up runs in bunches and end the season with a 3.00-ish ERA.  Still good, but not amazing.  In the last two years I have been able to limit damage for the most part (for example since the start of the season in 2008 I have given up one or fewer earned runs in 69 of 71 appearances, and the other two I gave up two each time).  I don’t feel like I’m throwing any differently or doing anything significantly differently aside from just not having my bad days be quite as bad.  In an interview in February with Baseball Prospectus’ Rany Jazayerli I talked in a bit more detail about mechanical changes that have made me perhaps more consistent with location and movement so if you want more detail, you can read more.

Disco!
Just came across your blog yesterday, thanks to a shoutout you received from www.thebiglead.com.  I’m a big fan already.  I also saw that you did an interview with Rany Jazayerli.  Do you read Joe Posnanski’s blog?  He is far and away the best sportswriter on the planet, and his blog is always thought-provoking, informative, funny, and completely random.  I think we need your blog to go on a blind date with his blog, because I feel like there’s real potential for at least getting to second base on the first date (see, I threw a lame baseball analogy in there too that was also a double entendre).
Keep up the good work,
Craig B., Kansas City, MO
 

I wasn’t that big into Joe’s work until recently.  However, recently we have exchanged emails a few times and it’s funny you dropped this entendre because it is so apropos, we had actually been working on a book together which we had preliminarily titled, “Getting to second with Joe Posnanski – The blogs of Joe and Disco.”  Our love child (there must have been a throwing error somewhere, if you get my entendre) has already started to lay claim to some royalties from the book, so we may not end up going to press with it, I’ll be sure to keep you posted.


P.S. – Were you a wrestling fan?  The Disco Inferno was a real treat

I was not, nor am I currently a wrestling fan.  If I become one, I will be sure to feast on tapes of the likes of Bret “The Hitman” Hart, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, and Ric Flair, and will occasionally “treat” myself to the Disco Inferno

Hey disco, is there anyway I could have your autograph?
CJ V., Everest, KS

Does your name mean like nine billion nine-hundred ninety-nine million, etc. and five in roman numerals?  I’m unfamiliar with ‘J’ but I’m sure Will Shortz will make me learn it some day soon in a crossword puzzle, i.e “42D. Ceasar’s 999,999…999,999,905.”

As far as the autograph, I’m really not sure.  You’re in Everest which sounds far and I happen to be extremely intimidated by post offices.  Most public government buildings as a matter of fact, freak me out.  As a product of generation X or generation .com or whatever we are, I’ve found everyone in post offices is at least three times my age.  So, when I do step foot in, I get the feeling everyone stares at me and thinks to themselves, “Ahhhh sonny, found something you couldn’t email, didn’t you?  Well, welcome to my world.  If you don’t like it here, you should have tried sending things on the Pony Express.”  Besides that, when you get to the counter, you have already passed everything you can buy in the store.  It never ceases to amaze me.  That being said, I tried to send you a ball, and this is what ensued:

Disco: “I would like to mail this autographed baseball.”
Clerk: “Do you have an envelope or a box?”
Disco: “Yes, it’s invisible though, is that OK?  No, lady I don’t have an envelope, that’s why I came to this counter.  To purchase an envelope or box.”
Clerk: “Well the envelopes are back there, you’re going to have to get one, next in line please.”
Disco: [Goes and looks at a wall of options which make no sense whatsoever and picks out a box that more than triples in size once it is assembled and now he has a small indoor dome within which he could play catch using the autographed baseball.  He then goes to the front of the line thinking he’s done his time waiting, but the octogenarian in front shoos him away with a cane.  After five more minutes in line, he is back at the front] “Hi, I’d like to mail this autographed baseball.”
Clerk: “Well, do you have stamps?”
Disco: “What the heck are you here for lady?” [Hangs head and retreats]
[Minutes go buy, repeat of beginning of scene]
Disco: “Hi, I’d like to mail this autographed baseball.”
Clerk: “Flat rate or ground?”
Disco: “Those don’t seem to match as options.  Something like ground and air I would understand, but ground and flat rate?  I’m confused.”
Clerk: [Rolls eyes] “Where’s it going?”
Disco: “Listen I’m just trying to find a way to get an autograph to CJV in Everest, KS”
Clerk: “Is that some type of code?”
Disco: “I said the same thing, lady.  I don’t know what it is, but it wants an autograph.  Can I just send it the cheapest way please?”
Clerk: “Well the cheapest way is to use that little machine in the corner with no one in line waiting for it.”
Disco: ” “
Clerk: “Next in line please.”

First of all thank you for your response to my Yabuta question.  Although I’ve never met him, he always came off as a great guy and I’m happy to know my perception was correct.
I have a new question, although it seems like it should have been asked already.  I did a quick search through old Fan Mail Fridays and did not turn up an answer so… Now that you are just a step away from Kansas City and have Rany’s full endorsement, I can’t help but wonder what will be your entrance song.  Might I throw into the ring “Disco Inferno” by The Trammps?  I know, I know, it’s a bit cliche as far as disco songs go but imagine the great opening rhythm as your image emerges on the giant “crown vision” and a close up of your eyes appears on the long outfield wall screens followed by highlights of you getting weak ground balls and striking out Matt Wieters (it will happen) all while you jog in as the Trammps
repeat “burn, baby, burn, disco inferno”.  If that would not be a sight to behold then something is wrong with the world.  It might be a fool’s errand to suggest disco music to disco incarnate, but I couldn’t help myself.  Just wanted your thoughts.
Will G., Omaha, Ne

P.S.  My longtime girlfriend will get yoga trainer certified in a few months.  She’s always spouting of Indian yoga terms like it’s everyday language and expects me to understand what she’s talking about.  Does it ever get any easier?

Will, Will, Will.  Three questions?  Two in one email?  Trammps?

I have had a fan in the past use a phony email address and an alias to trick me into answering two of his questions.  Apparently it was a “vetting process” to have me fill in as the next governor of Alaska.  To quote the fan, “With Sarah Palin stepping down, who better to fill the position of “mavericky” Governor than a “mavericky” relief pitcher?”  I’m not making this stuff up…because you can’t.  Unless you’re Aaron D., of course.  I will say, he had me laughing with a very clever email, I shouldn’t pick on him…I digress.

Alright, on to your first question.  So far in my minor league career I have come out to “Down Under” by Men at Work.  Now, before you all get your Disco Judge Hat’s on and bark that Down Under isn’t disco music, keep in mind, the whole Disco thing has only really taken off in the last year or so.  When I picked Down Under, I picked it because (A) it is an outstanding song, (B) the chorus alerts the other team “I come from a land down under”, (C) it alerts the other team they “better run, better take cover,” and (D) it includes the word “Vegemite” in the lyrics.

I used to call myself Disco sometimes in A-Ball, but no one else really used it much.  Whereas now Disco is the “Honest Abe” of nicknames, it used to be, say, the Rutherford B. “The Dark-Horse President” Hayes of nicknames.  Sorry Uncle Rutherford, I had to go there.  Rest In Peace.

Now that Disco is a household name across America, we may need to rethink the intro song.  It won’t be without some tough consideration, though.  First off, Down Under first came out in 1981.  The boys in Men at Work were years ahead of their time, but I just wish they could have been 2-5 more years ahead of their time and come out with this ballad in the late seventies.  Either that or I wish I could throw 81.  Nah, who am I kidding, Viva le Disco!

So, it will be with a heavy heart, but I think it’s time to abandon the Vegemite and embrace disco.

Close your eyes for a minute and picture this with me: Manager walks out to the mound and lowers his right arm to ankle-level and points to it.  Everyone knows what’s about to happen…Kauffman Stadium turns into a full-on seventies dance club.  Cue the “Disco Inferno” or the “I Love the Nightlife” or any Hues Corporation, Marvin Gaye, KC & the Sunshine Band, Kool & the Gang, Rick James, Chic, Sister Sledge, Donna Summer, or Diana Ross and the place is up for grabs.  I want people tearing off jeans to reveal a polyester base layer and then taking off their hats to the explosion of a full-on afro on their heads.  Lower the world’s largest disco ball in front of the world’s largest Big-Tron in center, cut the lights, and start flashing a strobe and other colored lights throughout the stadium.  Not a fan will be seated, as vendors will gracefully make their way through the stands on roller skates with trays up above their heads.  I’ll Travolta it out of the bullpen and strut my blue suede cleats on to the mound.  After eight warm-up pitches everyone, including the other team will forget there’s a baseball game going on in the middle of the “dance floor.”  And even if the opposition does remember, the lights will be off, there will be a huge ball of reflective shards sparkling behind me, and lights will be flashing everywhere.  If that won’t make me un-hittable, I don’t know what will.  I’m picturing my best outings are ahead of me at the “K”.

Now that we have a game plan, the first step, as you have inquired about, is the music.  I hate to limit myself to one amazingly bad Disco song, so I think we’re going to have to come up with a list of 25 or 30 songs and provide the media people with the 12″ vinyls.  That way the DJ can pick the song and each time out, there will be some new groove that will make you stand up and say “mmm MMM mmm, this is my jam,” as you get up and get funky.  Any suggestions?

Woo, I feel like we are spinning back to earth rapidly and I don’t want to land, but alas, here we are at your second question.  “Does the yoga-speak get any better?”  No, it doesn’t.  I struggled for years to try to understand it and just when I thought I had it all down pat I found myself in an embarrassing situation at a local Mexican Restaurant.  My wife said something out loud and I immediately hopped on the floor in a push-up position, lowered my torso to the ground and pulled back with my arms swooping my body forward Zeta-Jones style until I found myself in Cobra and then Up-Dog.  Turns out my wife had not said “Chaturanga, honey,” but rather had asked me to order her a deep-fried burrito:  i.e  “Chimichanga, honey”.

It hasn’t gotten much better, but more and more I have taken the route of any time I hear anything in sanskrit from Mrs. Disco, I just say “savasana” and she immediately lies down and goes into a deep meditative state in which, most importantly, she can’t talk.  Try it out next time, “savasana”.  I think they kind of say it with an ‘h’ like “shavasana”, but don’t take my word, you may end up with a shaved ice or something.


Hey disco, Dan O. here again…I have a second question: Can I be your craziest fan? If you make it to the majors, you’re going to need a crazy and obsessive fan. Everyone knows this. Although I have a pretty busy schedule, I still think I would do nicely. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about being a super, ultra-crazy guy fan who will Selena you, but a more tempered crazy where I send you collages of your face I created in Microsoft Paint. It is a nice balance between “Wow–this great fan is always behind me one-hundred percent,” and “I hope this fan isn’t literally behind me because I think he has mental problems.” Plus, you can take comfort knowing that no matter how far you go, I was there from the beginning.*

Craziest fan, Dan-O!? Your first question seemed so normal.  This may work, though.  I plan on having hundreds of crazy fans (it’s always been a goal of mine) and I will need one ring leader.  It may be a good idea to get a half-crazy, half-normal fan to be a liaison between the rest of “The Inferno” and the real world.  Let’s revisit plans for an intro at “The K”.  Perhaps we can set up a Mannywood-esque “Discotheque” somewhere in the upper deck where every night hundreds of crazy Disco Fans sit around all game and share printed out quotes from my blog, charcoal drawings of my face, and paper mache figurines of my mechanics, and Disco-autographed plungers (that’s right, I have actually autographed a plunger) and stories about how they can throw harder than me.  Then once I get the call from the bullpen and the lights go out and the music comes on, the Discoteque will proceed to go absolutely nuts with all the cameras turn to them for entertainment.  I’ll consider you as perhaps being the head of my crazy fans, and will bestow you the position I will call “DJ at the Discotheque”.  You’re the front-runner for the DJ position at the Discotheque but I’m going to need at least two emails per day and a few more collages wouldn’t kill you chances.

*about two months ago

Best Blog Post of All-Time

OK, you diehards and RSS subscribers are probably aware I posted the following blog this afternoon and then took it off.  The reason was, I used a site to create the poll and missed the fine print that said after 10 votes, anyone trying to submit their results would receive an error message.  After 8 minutes the polling was closed and caused a lot of readers to get error messages.  I’m sorry I overlooked this and to be honest just wasn’t even thinking.  I had the option to upgrade for $39.95, but this seems frivolous.  So I will create my own poll some way or another, in the meantime, I’ll give you the 10 options and we can conduct voting in the near future.  Thanks for your eager responses, I’m excited to get your feedback, and again, apologize for the inconvenience.  Now, read up and get ready to rank the posts shortly.

We all know mlblogs.mlblogs.com loves ranking our blogs.  And after an appearance on the Big Lead, some fans have called my blog “one of the top 5 sports blogs on the internet” (I would like to see which blogs off the internet are better than mine, but that’s for another time).

Everyone seems to like ranking me, so I decided to get in on the game.  Instead, this time, all of the options are going to be my blogs, so no matter what, Disco is going to win.  I can’t buy a break with the external comparisons, so I’m keeping it in the blog to ensure I get a win.

It’s been almost exactly six months since my first post on this blog, so I figure it’s time to take a look back at the best of the best from the first six months.  I hope you guys have enjoyed the posts as much as I have enjoyed writing them.

True Disco Fans who have been here from the start know how amazing all of my posts have been and know every word I’ve written has been pure gold, so I had to make the rankings go from 1 to 11.  Spinal Tap quotes aside, let’s try to put down some guidelines for your rankings to get some well distributed results.

1 – You can’t read or are lacking several lobes in the brain that form a sense of humor
3 – Your finger slipped on your track wheel
5 – You didn’t get it
7 – You read the post more than ten times and regularly quote it to friends
9 – The post made your month
11 – Your favorite post all-time

Oh yeah, also I’m doing this as shameless self-promotion.  There have been a lot of new fans to the blog (my traffic spiked ten-fold over average on Monday after the Big Lead feature) and I figure this will help them get an idea of some of the more popular posts they should start with.  I like to think there’s a pretty decent variety of entries in my blog over time and would love if a new fan went through all the posts, but these create a good starting sample.

I’m excited to hear what you guys have enjoyed the most and hope you enjoy getting to know the blog or reminiscing good times depending on how long you’ve been a reader.

Here’s the links to the 10 options:

1 Minute Monday, July 20th

Showed up to the field today and found a brand new pair of nike running shoes in my locker.  After a little detective work, I found out they were from Bruce Chen.  When he was here in Omaha earlier in the hyear he had asked my shoe size and I wondered why.  now 2 months later he’s in Kansas City and I have a brand new pair of shoes.  So nice of him,  I was smiling all day.

threw2 much better tonight too which was nice, so a greatmonday all around!

Fan Mail Friday, July 17th

What is a typical week like for you?  Has your schedule changed since your promotion to Omaha?
Thomas E., Grandview, KS

A typical week will usually consist of a game every day (yes, that’s right … if you don’t believe me, check out or schedule coming up where we play 52 games with only one off day after the All Star Break).  We probably have, on average, one day game out of those seven in a given week.  So the typical day is a game at 7pm.  I usually get to bed around 1am and wake up around 10am.  I will eat some breakfast and then head to the gym with Mrs. Disco.  We get home around 11:30am or noon and then eat lunch and leave for the field at 2pm.

Pitchers typically stretch and throw around 3:30pm and then batting practice will run from 4pm to 5pm.  I get something to eat and work on my pitching logs and charts and then shower and get ready for the game.  If the game ends at 10pm, I’ll get home probably around 11:30pm and get some sort of snack and hang out for an hour before bed.  Then, we wake up the next morning and do it again.

The difference between the lower levels of the minors and Triple-A is with the travel.  Triple-A is the only minor league level that you fly to the different cities.  With our games finishing so late at night (and the potential for extra innings or just a really long game) we always fly out early in the mornings.  Unfortunately in the PCL, there are no direct flights from one city to another, so we usually take a 6am flight, connect and then get in to the next city around noon.  We do this twice a week which leaves little to no time on those travel days for any relaxing.  In the lower levels of the Minors (and eventually in the Majors), the travel is typically done at night.  This has it’s good and bad sides.  On the bad side, it’s difficult to sleep while traveling (unless you read my post about how to travel in the minors, which will be coming shortly, I promise…sorry to keep you all waiting on Step 3 of my 10 Step Process to becoming a minor league reliever), but on the up side, it leaves more mornings free because the travel has been completed come morning.

I’m sure everyone wants to know about this from a blogging angle, and as you have seen, it doesn’t leave much time for anything let alone anything AND maintaining an extraordinary blog.  Let’s say we play six night games and one day game.  With two travel mornings, that leaves four mornings “free” in which I get about two hours to myself (and Mrs. Disco) and three mornings that essentially don’t exist.  Of those four free mornings, I tape two radio shows.  One is 1190AM in Fayetteville, AR and the show airs live every Tuesday from 11-11:30am CT.  Unfortunately for you viewers, that show is not broadcast online, so you’re just going to have to move to the 72701 to hear it.  The second show I often tape ahead of time, but it plays at 9am CT on Saturdays on Sports Radio 620 in Syracuse and can be found here online.  The host is a broadcaster I got to know well when we were both employees of the Windy City Thunderbolts in 2005.  He basically plays “Stump Disco” for 10 minutes with me, asking off-the-wall questions about wacky sports news in the past week.  It makes for some good laughs and will give you an inside look into how un-funny I can be when I don’t have hours to edit and re-edit written jokes and have to actually think on my feet.

Can I have a ball?
Jimmy R., Omaha, NE

No, sorry buddy, we need these to warm up, if we get a foul ball we can … wait … How did you get through my spam filter, Jimmy?

If my quick baseballcube search is correct, for the first time in your career, you will have a teammate named Mitch with the O-Royals.  Aside from teammates and question-askers, give me your top 8 Mitch’s of all time.
Mitch S., South Boston, MA

1.  Mitch Hedberg
2.  Mitch Cumstein (Caddyshack)
3.  Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams
4.  Mitch Martin (Old School)
5.  Mitch Richmond
6.  Mitch Mitchell (Hendrix’s Drummer)
7.  Mitch Albom
8.  Hurricane Mitch
9.  Thank goodness you didn’t ask for 9, I was reaching to get to 8

Dude,
Just stumbled across your blog.  I didn’t even know that MLB.com had a blog section.   But cool stuff man, I was reading your wife’s post about how CRAZY life gets in the minors…that’s what I figured would happen.  You should monetize your blog.  I just started my own a few months back, but it’s more about me getting drunk and picking up chicks.
Remember the Baseball World videos?? With Fred McGriff saying “this is the video that gets results” and wearing that ridiculous hat raised up high on his head.  I was thinking about trying to get some minor/major league guys together to produce a modern version.  Let me know what you think.
Scuba Steve

Dude, or should I call you Scuba?  Or Self? … that is, assuming the acronym and the fact we are on less than first name basis here if you referred to me as “Dude”.  Also, Apparatus, I would like to apologize for putting your full name on here, I usually like to keep it to first name and then first letter of last name for privacy reasons, but with a name like Scuba Steve, I have to imagine your privacy was already breached.  Also, Breathing, if I may call you that, with a name as cool as Scuba Steve, it would be a disservice to the rest of my readers to keep them wondering if it was Scuba Sam writing instead of the real Scuba Steve.  You failed to include your whereabouts unless you figured the “Underwater” was implied and sufficient.

Contained, I have been pondering this question since May 5th when you wrote in.  The question leaves me a lot of leeway for a very funny and creative answer, which I greatly appreciated.  But, about a year ago, I was exposed to a video that answered your question before you even asked it, and I don’t think I could be more creative or funny than these guys.  So without further ado, I wish I could claim this video (that perhaps many of you have already seen) giving step by step instructions on how to become an NAIA baseball player.

This recent New York Post article that was brought to my attention by my friend Jason Benetti in our radio show we taped for this weekend also seems apropos.

I hope the submarine drinking and dating scene are treating you well.

Fan Mail Friday, July 10th

Dear Disco,

Did June’s blog rankings irk you as much as they irked me?  5th place?

Your awesomeness is insulted by any number greater than zero in an ascending ranking format.  But, if we must speak in rankings for your blog (and mlblogs.mlblogs.com seems to insist on doing so) you should be ranked solely in rational numbers with enormous denominators.  I can hear it now, “In three-one-millionth’s place, Disco Hayes.  Way behind in 1st place was Reed Johnson, and congrats to Rick Ankiel for climbing way out of contention to 2nd.”

And as long as we’re on Rick Ankiel, what is going on?  As your readers already know, Reed Johnson’s blog being ranked first for a second straight month is an insult Al Gore and those crazy Éclair-loving Ivy Leaguers that invented the internet with him.   In case you’ve yet to read Reed, I’ll save you the trouble with an excerpt, nay, an entire blog post of his (entitled Monday Monday):

I’m Back
– – Reed


Forty-one people gave this two-word (is it three?  Contraction faction, what’s your subtraction?) post an average of 4.74 stars out of 5.  41 people!  On the other hand, Disco, your Poop Stick story literally changed my life–changed my life, yet was rated by only 25 people (for the expectedly perfect average of 5 out of 5, but we’re going for quantity, not quality here for the rankings…well, really not even that because the 4 guys ranked ahead of you posted a total of 13 times which is 2 less than the 15 posts in June you made on your blog alone).  There’s something fundamentally wrong with this, and I can’t stand for it.  I doubt you can either, right?

I’m not done with my question yet.  Back to Ankiel, the guy posted twice in the month of June and passed you.  If this were a golf tournament, he started out Sunday 60 strokes behind you and after 2 holes packed it in, but they counted the round and awarded him a 64-under 6 to pass you on the leader board.  Well, that’s not a good analogy because we aren’t talking about golf at all, and we all know you went at least 4-under par on your round on Sunday–er June.  And since you had a 60 stroke lead we would have to assume you teed off after him.  This isn’t really working.  Well, you know what I mean, right?  Makes no sense?  I’m Ron Burgundy?

See, the thing is, it’s not even that I hold anything against Reed or Ankiel or Hunter or Molina (Bengie!  Chalk it up Berthiaume), it’s that the powers that be don’t respect the blog.  If you visit mlblogs.mlblogs.com (and I’m sure you do), there’s a column on the right that lists the pro blogs in the mlblogosphere.  Fourteen players are listed, three of whom are players ahead of you in the rankings.  The other eleven players listed posted a combined total of ONE post in the month of June, 2009.  Most of them have not posted at all in 2009.  Yet they are advertised blogs and your genius goes unnoticed.
 
In another side note, how do they get off convincing all these really good players to blog?  I mean like really good.  Holliday, Papi, Hanley, Ankiel, Torii, Lowe.  I take it Albert, Alex, and Manny were busy?  Come on mlblogs and Sharp (we’ll get to you soon enough, Sharp, don’t think you’re getting off easy on this one), how do you expect a dorky un-drafted free agent in Nebraska to get any blog love?  I can see how it went, “Hey Disco, come write a blog with some other players, it’ll be a blast, everyone will love you.  [Pause] No, just some other guys, players, you know.  [Pause] Oh, yeah, well, [Pause], if you have to know, it will be the Hall Of Fame classes of 2018-20 [Pause] and you, but I’m sure people will read your stuff.  [Pause] No, keep your chin up, buck-o.  You’ll be fine.  So it’s a yes?”  Perhaps it went like this, “Hey is this Zack Greinke? [Pause] [Pause] [Muffled voices in background with hand covering microphone] Alright, fine, can you blog anyway, Mr. Bannister? [Pause] Well, shoot, good thing we got a discount on URLs and server space.  Whatever, go ahead and write, Charlie. [Pause] Not even Charlie Hayes?  [Click] [Dial Tone]”

Sharp, it’s your turn; step on up to the table.  Forget everything you’ve just read.  This isn’t a conspiracy where mlblogs is trying to keep Disco under the radar for as long as possible to try to lock him up in arblogtration this off-season for an uber-discount.  No, his blog is famous and it’s getting more and more famous by the post.  What we have here is a situation where your marketing team has grossly misunderstood where the advertising market is and currently is barking up the wrong tree.  You have invested in Ankiel, Holliday, Hunter, and Lowe.  You probably spent decent money on them too.  But you are missing the real cash cow here.  You see, without any advertisement, without any help from anyone but his own fingertips and ego, Disco has carved out a decent piece of pie in the mlblog market.  He has the most loyal followers (unless you tell me something crazy like Julia comments religiously on other players’ blogs too) and is expanding his fan-base around the globe, not just local markets along team lines.  He appeals to the every man and woman, not just the baseball fan.  He’s done some studies on his nickname alone, but with his blog as a whole, he kills the 60-80 demographic with his donut advice (OK, admittedly kill was a bad verb choice here, but I’m rolling, so backspace is out of the question) and mothers 25-40 can’t get enough of his feces…wait that came out wrong, too…and his 1 Minute Mondays appeal to, well, um, probably someone…aha! perhaps non-English speakers because it’s less to translate.
 
So, Sharp, if your own name could in any way be used to describe your marketing strategy, I suggest you jump on this bandwagon sooner than later.  Jump on it, put billboards on the sides and fill it with loads of cash.  I’ll ask you to think of this.  What will happen when Disco makes the big leagues?  Huh?  Think of the blog then.  Think of the Peter Gammons ESPN special about his fairytale story from college walk-on to big league phenom.  “…aside from the fastball which resembles a local fair’s speed pitch booth, this kid is also a smart guy.  He scored an 800 on the math section of the SATs, dabbles in sabrmetrics and he’s quite witty, check out his blog at discohayes.mlblogs.com.  In Kansas City, Peter Gammons, [pause][wait][sneeze from Rachel Nichols][pause][chin nod][dramatic cough], E-S-P-N.”  Think of the traffic his site will generate when mlblogs begins to pretend like it exists.  Think of the possibility of Disco Music coming
back in vogue.

Perhaps don’t think of the last thought, but the first few are some legit points if you ask me.  Which you aren’t because I’m asking a fan mail question.  But seriously, Sharp, you should sponsor the guy.  Besides, who needs money or a TV more, Torii Hunter or Disco Hayes?  The guy tried cutting his own hair because he couldn’t afford a haircut.  I get the impression he and his (hilarious, talented, well-written, independently famous, and beautiful) wife don’t have a house, so stick with cash instead of TVs.  If you gave them a TV for every 100,000 hits to the site, he would probably start writing an Ethieresque blog to cut down on mounting storage costs.  Stick with cash and he’ll actually have interesting things to blog about like “making it rain” and not just “making it flush”.  Amazingly his blog is “on the verge” AND “off the heezay” at the same time.  The snowball is in motion.  Get behind it, or, as they say, die in the avalanche.  Something like that.
 
So, Disco, my question is, do you ever think this stuff?
 
Disco H., Omaha, NE

 
 

Um, no?

 

1 Minute Monday, July 6th

We’re in ?Oklahoma City and yesterday one of our pitchers and I were in the outfield prior to BP and a bunch of the pother team’s guys kept coming up to say hi to my teammate.  None of them said hi to me.  Finally this older guy came running across the field, and came up to me first.  He waslked over and said, “El Duque, nice to meet you,” and then hugged my teammat and started talking.   I didn’t even have time to say, “El Disco, nic

Mach 3, Disco 0

After waiting in the clubhouse in Omaha for the rain to finally suspend our extra inning game and allow the fireworks to go off on July 3rd, we got home from the game around 11:30pm.  The next morning we had to leave the house at 4am to get on a plane to fly to Oklahoma City via Dallas and play a 4th of July game in OKC again to a sold-out fireworks crowd.  On about 3 hours of sleep and seemingly amidst a layover all day, I was dragging a bit in the clubhouse.

With the Royals we have a no facial hair policy in the minors, and prior to the game I went to shave.  I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or lack of decent shaving cream, but by the time I had finished shaving, I was bleeding from my Adam’s Apple, had 3 parallel horizontal cuts just below my right ear lobe, and was missing a piece of my cheek just to the left of my nose which was bleeding profusely.  No facial hair though.

Much like Mother Nature did to the fireworks in Omaha, she rained on OKC’s parade as well and washed out the game on the 4th.  Again, like Omaha, they set the fireworks off so the fans wouldn’t leave unhappy, but by 9pm we were dressed and out of the clubhouse.  Right across the street from the field is a movie theater, so Mrs. Disco and I decided to utilize a rare night “free” to go see a movie.  We walked over to find a movie we wanted to see that started at 9:15.

Due to the rain out, there was no post-game spread provided by the clubby, so I was starving.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it through the movie without food, so I had Mrs. Disco go get the tickets and ran across the street to an Italian place that had calzones pre-made.  I ordered mine To-Go and on the short walk back to the movie theater I ate as fast as I could to get as much nourishment, such as it was, before I entered the theater where no outside food or drinks were allowed.  Between bites, I got a text from Mrs. Disco saying she went in to get us seats, but told the guy taking tickets I would be coming.

I walked into the theater but still had half my calzone left.  I was late at this point, but figured the previews were still going on, and after all it was the Proposal we were seeing, so I wasn’t going to die if I missed the very beginning.  Either way, I still rushed the food down my throat.  The ticket-taker was watching me curiously, and I figured he knew I was the guy who was coming in late without a ticket.  He seemed appauled at how fast I was eating my calzone, but once it was safely in my mouth, which no longer made it against the rules to bring in, I walked towards him to enter.

As I finished up chewing, I said to him, “Hi I’m Chris, my wife came in a minute ago, she showed you my ticket,” he smiled and acknowledged I need not go further with my story.

“Go ahead,” he said timidly.  “Um, but sir.”  I had started to walk towards theater 11, but turned back around.

“Yes?”

“Um, I think you have a lot of sauce on your face.”  He used his finger to mirror on his face  the part of my upper cheek where he suspected I had sauce.  I fist got the little bit of sauce I could feel on the corner of my mouth, and then felt across my cheek for the sauce he was pointing out.  When my finger got to the right spot he nodded to show I had found it and I jumped a bit in pain as I was scraping across the open wound that was still healing.

Embarrassed, I said thanks and started to walk away.  I heard him say, “Sir, sir, there’s more…” and he trailed off.  I realized he must have thought I was an immense slob to get sauce on my left cheek, right ear lobe and Adam’s Apple and I sulked to the theater, blushing, bloated, and bloody.