You asked for http://mlblogs.mlblogs.com to post their rankings, and sure enough you got what you wanted…well to some extent.  They posted and you did move up.  But not all the way.  4th place is a nice jump, but still not to the top…your thoughts?
Kiley R., Seattle, WA

First things first, thanks for noticing they posted the rankings and thanks for noticing I made the largest jump within the top 10 in recent memory.  Or at least in my memory of how far I’ve jumped in the past because I don’t give a hoot how many spots the other contestants may or may not have jumped before.

When I saw my ranking in the 4 hole, I figured maybe this month they decided to make out a pseudo lineup.  It would make sense having me hitting cleanup because I am the best blogger on the “team” and am most likely to hit one out of the park with any given post.  Sorry Mr. Ethier, but I hope you enjoy facing pitchers from the windup cause I’m prone to hitting it “pa’ la calle” (a Spanish term for uber home runs that clear the stadium completely and end up “on the street”).  Oh, and Bengie…you’re welcome for all the fastballs you’ll be seeing with me on deck.

Aww, who am I kidding?  It’s a ranking system, not a lineup, and I’m fourth.  I’m not the cleanup hitter; I’m an also-ran.

I still have three spots to climb, but I will make it to the top.  Mlblogs makes some claim about rankings being based on page views during the given time frame.  I’m gonna have to take down the top-ranked blogger each month, so today I’ll try to chip away at the current #1.

Reed Johnson (Cubs OF)- Reed Between the Lines

My Take:
What lines, Reed?  5 posts for the entire month of May?  Is that all you can muster?  And this is our champion?  I understand the gravitation pull the Cubs have in this universe (my wife and I live 6 blocks from Wrigley in the off-season, so trust me, I know first hand), but 5 posts puts him atop the leader board based on page visits?  If Elvis Presley wrote 5 blogs this May, I’d be fine taking a back seat to him for a month based solely on the sheer accomplishment of writing 5 blogs post mortem, but this guy plays most of his games in the afternoon, allowing for ample time to write, AND is alive.  I’m not impressed by any of this and don’t see why even Cubs fans would be.

My synopsis so you won’t have to visit:
Most recent post entitled “Who’s the Lion?” has a 3 word question title which starts with “Who’s the” and yet has no reference to Tony Danza.  If that’s not already in the bylaws as minus a thousand page visits, I’m nominating a new law stating exactly this.  Reed’s main weapon for being interesting:  he drops names like my boy (and fellow bullpen mate in NW Arkansas) Dan “Duce” Cevette drops records with Corleone Music Productions (two can play this game, Reed).  Let’s see, what else is there in his blog?  He plays for the Cubs.  Like the actual Cubs, not in the minors.  He wrote a blog about his facial hair.  And how he cut it but it wasn’t out of slump-breaking desperation.  He has been known to use an ellipsis in his blog titles which is a sign of weakness and perhaps a lack of trust-worthiness.  What’s there to hide?  I feel like we’re not getting the entire story here.  Oh great, this just in.  To spite me for being late on my Fan Mail Friday for the first time, Reed decides to go 3 for 3 with a homer, 2 RBI’s, a walk, and a stolen base on Saturday.  Well, perfect, now I’ve lost everyone to go check out Reed’s blog…

Two questions: 1) What is the definition of “Awesome?” 2) Pirates or Ninjas?
Richard D., Kansas City, KS

You’ve put me in a predicament, “Richard D.”.  And it has to do with punctuation.  You see, I was unsure where the first sentence in this response ended until I put quote marks and then another period after your name in quotes.  A bit ambiguous, wouldn’t ya say?  But in your question, you clearly ask me what the definition of “Awesome?” is.  I scoured Webster’s finest works (poor Merriam, by the way, but that’s an entirely different topic) and have found no definitions that accounted for punctuation.  If you were to ask me what “Awesome!” meant, I’d have a decent idea.  But “Awesome?”?  My mind is reeling a bit.

Richard, the best I think I can do for you is to answer your question with a scenario and hope it helps.

Two people are watching a VH1 reality show on a TV in a public area.  Person 1 grimaces as a contestant who is looking for a chance at love begins to make out with a guy less famous than anyone my buddy Reed mentions in his blog (though just famous enough to be the “prize” of a reality show) only seconds after vomiting in the hot tub.  Person 2 seizes the opportunity to pass gas.  Person 1, still grimacing, begins to notice something is wrong not only with the reality show, but in the air in reality.  Person 1 begins to say, “Oh my goodness.  That is…” at the same time a third person is entering the room.  Person 3 notices the TV and to his excitement finds said vomiter trying to share the acidity in her mouth with the D-lister who now wishes he hadn’t gone for the easy reality TV paycheck.  Person 3, who happens to be addicted to bad reality TV, is excited the show is on and says, “Awesome!”  Person 1, now confused and slightly offended, both olfactorily and socially, disgustedly turns to Person 3 and says, “Awesome?”

Ninjas.  Until I finally get on Wheel of Fortune and win that Somalian Cruise I’ve been wanting to go on for years.

Could you explain to me the anatomy of the post-game celebratory high five. It seems to me that 2 lines somehow form in what appears to be in perfect conjunction with one another. Both lines dutifully high five one another while the pitcher inadvertently gets his butt slapped. What I don’t understand is who and how do the players decide to get in which line? What happens if you get in the wrong line, and are there any consequences?
Aaron D., Kansas City, MO

Walk-off wins are the only wins that don’t have a prescribed choreography (I wanted to use the term “blocking” here instead but didn’t because I figured my fan-base didn’t overlap with theater fans…I’ve made myself laugh now in proofreading that I ironically settled on “choreography”).  Walk-offs are also the wins that make relief pitchers feel really awkward.  It’s getting off topic, but next time you get the opportunity to see a walk-off win, just watch the relievers and enjoy their awkwardness.  They are way late to the party and don’t really know how much jumping is enough, yet not too much.

Back on topic.  For all non-walk-offs, the pitcher and catcher will meet halfway between the mound and the plate and shake hands.  The rest of the fielders who were in the game will congregate just behind second base and congratulate each other and make small talk and then form a line and begin walking towards the mound from second base.  The pitcher and catcher will then walk towards the mound from home plate.  The bench players will join behind the pitcher and catcher in walking away from home towards the mound in a line.  As the two lines meet, the players will high five, knock knuckles, side bump, or execute a hand shake all their own.  Once the line moving away from home gets to the end of the line moving towards home, they do an about-face and now become part
of the line moving towards home (think trumpet line in a marching band).  The manager and a few of his coaches will stay at the foul line and await all the players to eventually make their way back towards the dugout.  The fielders who started the line in from second base will make it to the manager first and then the rest will eventually fall in line.

“Inadvertent” butt slaps are a foreign concept to me as all butt slaps I have been a part of (both as slapper and slappee) have been executed knowingly.  And consequences for entering the wrong line would probably be pretty severe from both your team and the winning team if you shook off the loss quickly enough to join the butt slap line of the team who just beat you.

Just wanted to let you know that now 3 times I tried to cut and paste this post into an e-mail to a friend so they could enter the strange, magical, wonderful world of Disco.  Unfortunately, as I do a Ctrl-V into Microsoft Outlook, it has crashed my computer.  I did figure out that by pasting into NotePad and THEN copying that and pasting into Outlook seems to work.
Anyways, if you have some free time (and since you were a Comp Sci major), I was wondering if you would also be setting up a tech support e-mail for your blog as well.  
Tim K.,  Georgetown, MA

Tim, here at Disco Hayes Blog, INC, we very much appreciate your email and your allegiance to Disco’s blog.  We understand you have a number of options (no matter how Tony Danza-free they may be) when choosing which mlblog to obsess over and we are glad you chose us.  We apologize for the inconvenience this extra step may have caused you and we have gone ahead and created a tech support email address so if you have further problems with Disco’s blog, please send requests to techsupport@discohayes.com.  We totally understand having to remember and type out “http://tinyurl.com/funniest-blog-ever” would be annoying, so now Disco has gone overseas and hired a team of recent grads in Bangladesh who will be awaiting your emails.

Thanks again, Tim.

What pitches do you throw? At what speeds do you throw them? (I know you say you throw in the 70s, but does that mean you have a change up that’s in the 60s or even the 50s?) Which do you think is your best pitch?
Adam S., Arlington, VA

I have 4 pitches:  A Fastball, Slider, Change Up, and Rise Ball.  My Fastball and my Rise Ball are the same velocity and any give day will vary from 74 to 79mph, the Slider is typically 61 to 65 mph.  My Change Up is typically 70mph.

If you were wondering why I capitalized Fastball, Slider, Change Up, and Rise Ball I will now tell you.  It is because they are all biblically good.  You asked which one is my best pitch; I will give you some feedback and let you decide what you think.  One National League GM I contacted the other day had this to say when asked about my Rise Ball.  “His what?  Never heard of that…No, well, no never heard of a Rise Ball OR capitalizing pitches.”  He later added, “Or him [lowercase, of course].”  An American League Assistant GM and director of player development had this to say about my Fastball.  “Right now, and I’m not going with projection here, but right now as we speak his movement is as good as Chris Hayes’ in his prime and his command is up there with the likes of the Chris Hayeses in this game.  His velocity has consistently been clocked in the top 12 on his current team’s pitching staff.”

Tough decision so far, huh?  My Change Up requires an advanced degree in Physics to fully understand and I don’t have one of those, so I don’t even get it.  My Slider breaks at such an angle that when it is viewed from a center field-mounted camera, it appears to not break at all and is often mistaken for a Change Up or a little leaguer throwing out the ceremonial first pitch.  There it is.  You have the facts, I’ll let you decide which one is best.  
I would guess I’ve throw 80% Fastballs so far this year.  So if my actions speak to my favorite, you might have your answer there.  My Fastball has top spin and therefore has a ton of sink, so it induces contact on the ground.  In the occasion I need a strike out or a pop up, I will resort to my other Offerings more, but typically I’m looking for early weak contact on my Fastball.

It says in the Morning News this morning that you helped the Naturals out with a jam…what kind of jam was it? I like grape…
Larry H., Bentonville, AR

Larry, I’m gonna have to join the grape train with you.  I’d have to say it’s the best go-to flavor.  There may be days where you just want that extra kick strawberry or raspberry can give you, but if I was on a “desserted” island, I would want it covered in grape.

That being said, unfortunately for me, the other night the Naturals were working on a Strawberry Rhubarb Jam and had it all wrong.  Fortunately for them, I was able to come to the rescue and set things straight.  My wife’s grandmother makes her own Strawberry Rhubarb Jam from scratch, so I was able to get a hold of her and get the recipe.  I swear, it seemed like I left the room for all of 5 minutes and came back to find a absolute pectin catastrophe, but in the end I was able to save the day and make it all work out.  I’m glad the Morning News is finally covering our team’s culinary exploits.  We find it greatly improves our chemistry skills if we get together in the morning and work on making some type of bread adornment.  Next week we are going to get into nut butters, so hopefully the paper keeps up the coverage.

I’m really glad you’re blogging.  This is stellar writing.  Did you study creative writing or journalism or some such?  If you’re not already thinking about / writing a novel — or at least a few short stories — you really should.  Not just flashes of brilliance — your long entries are well-crafted.
Jonathan G., Cincinnati, OH

I’m really glad you’re reading.  This is stellar judgment.  Did you study literary criticism or theory or some such?  If you’re not already thinking about / buying my novel – or at least a few short stories – you really should pre-order it.  Not just flashes of good taste here – you’re long question is well-taken.

At Northwestern I was a computer science major, which made me part of the Tech Department, which meant it was against the rules for me to use a written word in any form in any of my assignments.  I wrote hundreds of thousands of lines of computer code and designed my fair share of circuits and robotic cars.  But the only writing I did was on proofs, theorems, and in solving differential equations and that was all in Greek letters.

My sister studied Creative Writing at Oberlin College which is one of the top Liberal Arts colleges in the country.  She now works as an editor at a Nationally Published Research Journal.  I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.  Or is it “an” Holiday Inn Express?  Damn English.  Got to go email my sis another question.

Going to Northwestern University a school with many current minor leagues do you still keep in touch with you former teammates such as George Kontos, Mark Ori, and J.A Happ?
DaNilo, V., White Plains, NY

I do keep up with those guys a decent amount.  We all still live around Chicago during the off season and typically work out together, so there’s a bond in the winter months.  During the year we keep in touch sporadically.  Ori is in the Texas League and I recently crowned him the best player in the Texas League in a previous Fan Mail Friday.

Happ is on TV and actually a few weeks ago was pitching when Rollins made a web gem on a slow roller.  Baseball Tonight showed the #3 web gem of the night and I saw Happ pitching and thought it was going to be him making the play because he’s a ridiculous athlete, but alas, he wasn’t quick enough to get over to the ball.  Maybe the WS ring slowed him down.  I sent him a text giving him a hard time for not making the play and suggesting he finally take that thing off.  If you’d like find out more about how Northwestern Grads are taking over professional baseball from the inside, check out this article Rany Jazayerli wrote about me this off season.  It’s probably much funnier now that my reference is in blockbuster-hit-movie form instead of just a book like it was at the time of the article’s publication.  Ironic, I know, but what can you say, Disco is way ahead of the times.

If you were knighted (like Sidney Ponson) would you make everyone call you Sir Disco Hayes?
Tim R., Kansas City, MO

I’ve looked into this because I think it’s a great point you bring up.  You’re right, it is only a matter of time before I am rightfully honored by a country, or a land, or by a people.  Can you say “a people”?  Yes, cause I just did.  In my research, I looked into what is a proper way to address a Knight and found some interesting info.  Much to my surprise, though, being a Knight really isn’t that cool (sorry Sir Sidney).  There’s about 15 levels of cool in the Royal sense and Knight is scraping bottom.  I mean, if becoming a Knight is really only one level cooler than being me right now, I could take it or leave it.  If James Dean didn’t need to be Sir James, why would Disco need “Sir Disco”?

Here’s the breakdown in lessening order of royalty: Emperor, King, Prince, Duke, Baron, Marquess, Earl, Viscount
, Baronet, and last and least, Knight.  Though Baronet probably sounds most dangerous and Marquess is the least known so perhaps has the highest level of intrigue (“His Marquessness Disco Hayes of Melbourne” has quite a ring to it), I think I’m looking at worst case scenario accepting Duke status.  If Canada or Wales or somewhere comes calling and wants to Dukify me, I think I would say yes under the explicit condition Dick Vitale will not be doing color commentary on my life from that point forward.

When it’s all said and done, this all comes down to marketing and a Google search of “Sir Disco” reveals no results that would be able to hold a candle to me.  To prepare for future world fame and royalty bestowed upon me, I also checked and “Lord Disco” and “His Disconess” are also relatively easy Google targets as well.

My inbox has become overrun with Fan Mail, so each Friday, I’m going to
publish a few of the questions with my answers.  Ask something good and
you may become famous next week.  Please send emails to fanmail@discohayes.com.

One quick question and I’m out.  Where did the Disco nickname come from?  If you answered that earlier in your blog please accept my apologies upfront.
Lonnie S., Springdale, AR

I am called Disco because I throw in the 70s.

I gave myself the nickname, which is a true sign you have “arrived”.  I’ve done some extensive research and the demographics are really showing people are liking the nickname.  42 to 58-year-old males associate with the era and think it adds a cool-factor to an unassuming white guy with not a whole lot of “wow-factor”.  The most alarming news and perhaps the best sign the nickname is working is with 21 to 34-year-old females.  Prior to my nickname, only 0.3% of this demographic had heard of me.  But, the survey finds that 99.1% had heard the term “Disco” so they must have since found out about me.  My well below average fastball really seems to be holding me back from super-stardom with the women aged 21 to 34, but my foot seems to now be in the door, so I’ll take it.  The rest of the breakdowns seem to bode well, except for both genders aged 79 and up seem to still have a bitter taste in their mouth about the Disco era.  Personally I don’t see the reason why they would hold this against my “Disco Revival” here in 2009, but you know how those octogenarians can be, they are an intractable and irascible lot.  I think deep down they love me, because, how couldn’t you, but they hate surveys.  We didn’t look into the statistical significance of this in our study.  Lastly, kids aged 6 to 14 wanted a baseball and an autograph from me equally both before and after my nickname was self assigned.

As a side note, though I have yet to reap the monetary benefits of my hilarious and career-propelling nickname, Fabian reportedly has brought in an extra $20,000 so far this year in royalties from the added sales of his 1978 hit “Disco Fever“.  The extra sales have been found with “Bienenstich und Disco-Fieber” the German re-release as well.

What is your stance on answering fan mail submitted by people you know? This is a totally hypothetical question.
C. Hayes, Ann Arbor, MI

Thank you, C.  I’m pretty sure I know who you are.  I only have one sibling, and her first initial is C.  I’m pretty sure Michigan’s only Arbor is named Ann, so that tells us nothing.  Hypothetically, I’d say I can answer this question. 

However, that one time when I was 16 and you asked me if I broke mom’s car windshield with a basketball IN FRONT OF MOM was not a time, hypothetically of course, to ask me a question.

And the time you asked me why the dog bit Dad and, at age 2, I was too young to know not to answer that “maybe it was cause I sticked my finger up his butt,” was also, again hypothetically, a question I should not have answered.  This question, though, seems much more appropriate and not incriminating, therefor I will answer it hypothetically.

Here’s my question- Why do you keep calling my cell and hanging up? I know its you, I can hear you breathing.  Seriously, do you find yourself cheering for the current major league staff to do poorly?  I hope you get the call, mostly because I just picked you up in my fantasy league.  The league just added a new category, the category is witty responses to emails… I plan on dominating.
Trevor C. N., Toronto, Ontario

Here’s my question- Is the CN Tower named after you?  That’s not meant to be witty, because the last thing I would want is for you to do well in your fantasy league.  But unless the tower is named after you, why would you include two names after Trevor?  Were you worried another Trevor N. wrote in something as insanely clever as accusing me of calling you and breathing into the phone.  Let me tell you something, I may breath a little loud because I have a fever (Disco Fever of course) but at no point have I called the largest free-standing structure in the Americas.

We play games pretty much every night, so I rarely get to see the Royals play.  And when I do, I mainly am looking at the new stadium to see the changes they’ve made.  I went and visited the K in 2006 so I knew exactly what it looked, smelled and felt like.  That way when I took the field in places like Clinton, IA, I could visualize Kauffman and transform the field so it felt more like Kansas City to me.  When you’re somewhere like Tulsa, OK, it’s nice to “listen” to fountains in your head during Batting Practice and turn around and “see” yourself on the new largest piece of equipment with an electric current behind you in center field.  Now that all the renovations have been made, I like seeing what’s different.

I just discovered your blog a few days ago.  Hilarious stuff.  Question: do you play any fantasy sports?  If so, who are your team favorites?  Finally, if there were a fantasy minor league baseball game, please be assured that you’d be one of my top pitchers.
Brad G., Dubai

I play Settlers of Catan.  My favorite team is the White Team.  I also particularly like getting the longest road and a few victory points.  The largest army is something I’ve never really been a big fan of, so I tend to root against them.  I remember one particular instance when a friend, Erin, played an ore monopoly one turn before there was no way I could be denied victory (aside from an ore monopoly being played) and I didn’t want to talk to her for a week.

I used to play fantasy baseball, but when I started playing reality baseball my ability to have Internet access on a daily basis diminished and I’d get frustrated because I couldn’t put Victor Martinez back in my lineup after an off day and I’d be stuck with Ron Karkovice instead.  Maybe you and Trevor Tower should get together and start a league and fight over my rights.  Watch out for men 42 to 58 though, they may not want to give me up.

Thanks
to everyone for your questions, please keep writing in and I’ll do my
best to get to as many as I can.  Please send more questions and more
love to fanmail@discohayes.com.