Fan Mail Friday, May 8
My inbox has become overrun with Fan Mail, so each Friday, I’m going to
publish a few of the questions with my answers. Ask something good and
you may become famous next week. Please send emails to email@example.com.
One quick question and I’m out. Where did the Disco nickname come from? If you answered that earlier in your blog please accept my apologies upfront.
Lonnie S., Springdale, AR
I am called Disco because I throw in the 70s.
I gave myself the nickname, which is a true sign you have “arrived”. I’ve done some extensive research and the demographics are really showing people are liking the nickname. 42 to 58-year-old males associate with the era and think it adds a cool-factor to an unassuming white guy with not a whole lot of “wow-factor”. The most alarming news and perhaps the best sign the nickname is working is with 21 to 34-year-old females. Prior to my nickname, only 0.3% of this demographic had heard of me. But, the survey finds that 99.1% had heard the term “Disco” so they must have since found out about me. My well below average fastball really seems to be holding me back from super-stardom with the women aged 21 to 34, but my foot seems to now be in the door, so I’ll take it. The rest of the breakdowns seem to bode well, except for both genders aged 79 and up seem to still have a bitter taste in their mouth about the Disco era. Personally I don’t see the reason why they would hold this against my “Disco Revival” here in 2009, but you know how those octogenarians can be, they are an intractable and irascible lot. I think deep down they love me, because, how couldn’t you, but they hate surveys. We didn’t look into the statistical significance of this in our study. Lastly, kids aged 6 to 14 wanted a baseball and an autograph from me equally both before and after my nickname was self assigned.
As a side note, though I have yet to reap the monetary benefits of my hilarious and career-propelling nickname, Fabian reportedly has brought in an extra $20,000 so far this year in royalties from the added sales of his 1978 hit “Disco Fever“. The extra sales have been found with “Bienenstich und Disco-Fieber” the German re-release as well.
What is your stance on answering fan mail submitted by people you know? This is a totally hypothetical question.
C. Hayes, Ann Arbor, MI
Thank you, C. I’m pretty sure I know who you are. I only have one sibling, and her first initial is C. I’m pretty sure Michigan’s only Arbor is named Ann, so that tells us nothing. Hypothetically, I’d say I can answer this question.
However, that one time when I was 16 and you asked me if I broke mom’s car windshield with a basketball IN FRONT OF MOM was not a time, hypothetically of course, to ask me a question.
And the time you asked me why the dog bit Dad and, at age 2, I was too young to know not to answer that “maybe it was cause I sticked my finger up his butt,” was also, again hypothetically, a question I should not have answered. This question, though, seems much more appropriate and not incriminating, therefor I will answer it hypothetically.
Here’s my question- Why do you keep calling my cell and hanging up? I know its you, I can hear you breathing. Seriously, do you find yourself cheering for the current major league staff to do poorly? I hope you get the call, mostly because I just picked you up in my fantasy league. The league just added a new category, the category is witty responses to emails… I plan on dominating.
Trevor C. N., Toronto, Ontario
Here’s my question- Is the CN Tower named after you? That’s not meant to be witty, because the last thing I would want is for you to do well in your fantasy league. But unless the tower is named after you, why would you include two names after Trevor? Were you worried another Trevor N. wrote in something as insanely clever as accusing me of calling you and breathing into the phone. Let me tell you something, I may breath a little loud because I have a fever (Disco Fever of course) but at no point have I called the largest free-standing structure in the Americas.
We play games pretty much every night, so I rarely get to see the Royals play. And when I do, I mainly am looking at the new stadium to see the changes they’ve made. I went and visited the K in 2006 so I knew exactly what it looked, smelled and felt like. That way when I took the field in places like Clinton, IA, I could visualize Kauffman and transform the field so it felt more like Kansas City to me. When you’re somewhere like Tulsa, OK, it’s nice to “listen” to fountains in your head during Batting Practice and turn around and “see” yourself on the new largest piece of equipment with an electric current behind you in center field. Now that all the renovations have been made, I like seeing what’s different.
I just discovered your blog a few days ago. Hilarious stuff. Question: do you play any fantasy sports? If so, who are your team favorites? Finally, if there were a fantasy minor league baseball game, please be assured that you’d be one of my top pitchers.
Brad G., Dubai
I play Settlers of Catan. My favorite team is the White Team. I also particularly like getting the longest road and a few victory points. The largest army is something I’ve never really been a big fan of, so I tend to root against them. I remember one particular instance when a friend, Erin, played an ore monopoly one turn before there was no way I could be denied victory (aside from an ore monopoly being played) and I didn’t want to talk to her for a week.
I used to play fantasy baseball, but when I started playing reality baseball my ability to have Internet access on a daily basis diminished and I’d get frustrated because I couldn’t put Victor Martinez back in my lineup after an off day and I’d be stuck with Ron Karkovice instead. Maybe you and Trevor Tower should get together and start a league and fight over my rights. Watch out for men 42 to 58 though, they may not want to give me up.
to everyone for your questions, please keep writing in and I’ll do my
best to get to as many as I can. Please send more questions and more
love to firstname.lastname@example.org.