Fan Mail Friday, May 1
My inbox has become overrun with Fan Mail, so each Friday, I’m going to publish a few of the questions with my answers. Ask something good and you may become famous next week. Please send emails to email@example.com.
Who’s the best hitter you’ve faced so far this year?
Greg U., Ketchum, ID
There’s a saying that goes, “If you look good, you play good.” I think that may be grammatically incorrect, but it’s a saying nonetheless. I don’t think anyone really regulates sayings. Maybe they should. Anyway, given the quote, I think it’s best to answer by picking which hitter I’ve faced that looks the best. I’m going to go with Mark Ori from the Corpus Christi Hooks. Yeah yeah yeah, I went to college with him, I’ve had a man crush for years, I can hear it now. Erroneous. All of it. Seriously, the guy just wears his pants better than anyone else in the Texas League right now. He’s got the wristband kinda things and probably some tape. Maybe even eye black. I don’t remember. I actually haven’t faced him yet this year now that I think about it because every team I faced for the first 3 weeks of the season was named the San Antonio Missions, but still, the guy can don a “uni” better than anyone.
You didn’t ask, but by the same token, the worst hitter I’ve faced so far this year is Brett Wallace of the Springfield Cardinals.
Who’s the best prankster on the team? Any good pranks?
Sharron, S., Oak Grove, MO
The key to pranks is for the prankster to remain anonymous. So I’ll just say G. De La Vara. Shoot, too obvious, eh? Alright, we’ll call him Gilbert. The weird thing about Gilbert is, though he’s perhaps the best prankster, almost all pranks this year have been at his expense. Any day where Gilbert is able to get dressed without having to climb a ladder to retrieve an article of clothing from the venting ducts is a disappointment throughout our clubhouse. That being said in the Arizona Fall League, Gilbert was quite effective in his efforts to harass an un-named Dodgers’ prospect. Eye black on the inside of the batting helmet is an almost indefensible prank. We haven’t had anything that has stood out too much, but I’ll be sure to keep you posted.
You grew up in the city? So what’s it like living in Arkansas?
Jim B. H., Cotton Plant, AR
Should every sentence in my answer end in a question mark? Did you ask two questions? Or one? I digress…?
I’m much better at riding mules. I can now milk cows and the occasional chicken. I’ve started wetting the bed because I’m sick of walking outside to the outhouse. Also, our cat did it weeks ago, so once the ice was broken, I figured why not? I have really been working on my memory skills because it’s impossible to remember all the names of our neighbors. There’s ton of them and they each have at least 2 “first” names. And they all look exactly the same and how many twin-in-laws can you have? I mean, that still doesn’t even make sense to me. I shower only when it rains and dry off only when there’s a tornado. Those two events happen extremely often and in conjunction with each other for the most part, so I’m clean. At first I couldn’t get used to the non-paved streets, but now that I have installed my 5-foot monster truck tires it’s kinda fun. Also, I’ve never met a dentist I’ve liked and thankfully here, I’ve never met a dentist.
Did you know you are my favorite player?
Jacob J., Haverhill, NH
I had never heard of you until you emailed me. But I did know that IF you existed, I would have been your favorite player. So it’s a bit hard to answer your question. I think in a philosophical sense, no. But realistically, it’s hard to not look in the mirror every day and know I’m the favorite player of thousands of people I’ll never know. I’ll go with yes. And you’re welcome.
Does it bother you when people say you throw like a girl? Do you throw like a girl?
Dick O., Naperville, IL
I don’t care when they say it. However, when they ASK me if I do, that’s what really gets me. Please never write again.
Thanks to everyone for your questions, please keep writing in and I’ll do my best to get to as many as I can. Please send more questions and more love to firstname.lastname@example.org.