Fan Mail Friday, June 12th
Disco, what do you think about your wit and hilarity becoming a distraction to the blue collar work force of America? I know for me personally, I can’t go 16 seconds at work without thinking, “What would Disco Hayes say about this situation? Let’s see if he’s updated his blog,” and then I proceed to spend the better part of my day browsing through your endless volumes of comedic gold. Isn’t a distraction from productivity the last thing this struggling American economy needs?
Taylor W., Lawrence, KS
I get this question all the time…at least every 16 seconds, so I figure it’s about time I answer it. The President was nice enough to scratch my back last week when he named last Friday “National Donut Day” for us, so it’s only fair I scratch his back in return by setting our lackluster economic performance straight.
Before I do that, I will say it sounds like you have a pretty fun workplace. I mean, you get to walk around and think about Disco all day? Come on, most people would kill for that. Which is why the lack of sales of our WWDD bracelets has been such a shock. Maybe it’s because we ordered 100,000 of them to be manufactured in Thailand and haven’t received any of them. Well, we all know how popular my blog has been to the Thais.
Speaking of global economies and my blog, there have been some interesting trends. My blog has been banned from viewing in India and China. Sad for their inhabitants, but their economies have reaped the benefits in productivity. Since March 1st, the Rupee has been up 7.5% on the USD. In that same time frame, the Chinese yuan has gained something like 0.06%. Granted, 0.06% is not that impressive, but we’d have to assume the Chinese people are spending their time trying to find pirated copies of my blog which is inhibiting productivity.
Other countries have taken a laissez faire approach and rolled the dice. Take Canada, famous for their dice rolling, who has allowed visitors to read my blog. On Friday, June 5th, I posted a blog which mainly referenced donuts but had a side reference to Canadians being half donut, half French or something. The mention is irrelevant now, but what’s important is after my post, during the next trading day, the Canadian Dollar lost 4% to the USD. 4%! In one day. From one comment. The global impact I have is a scary responsibility. With that in mind, I should list every country, so there are no global market lapses this week due to the Disco Effect. Man, there’s almost 200 countries. Nevermind. That’s insane. Europe, Asia, Africa, India, and the Americas. There you go.
I’m only one global force–er man, that’s it, “I’m only one man” is what I meant to say–so please do your part with me. Only you can help bring prosperity to the countries around the globe, so please subscribe to my RSS feed so that you will be informed immediately when I have mined more comedic gold from my fingertips. This way the guessing game will be cut out. As for the uncontrollable laughter and Disco shrine-creation, that will ensue, I don’t know what to tell you.
Hi Disco. I really enjoy your erudite comments. I’m sure you can help me with something that’s always bothered me. Why is it when a baseball player throws underhand he’s referred to as a “submariner”? What does an underhand motion have to do with water? Do you think it might have to do with the fact that “underhanded” carries connotations of cheating? Help me out here, Disco.
Pat D., Leawood, KS
Pat, you’ve set the record for number of questions in one Fan Mail question. And my mind is going around in circles. So you help me out here, Pat. If I gather what you’re getting at, it’s a reasonable question. If I think about how you perhaps suggested a derogatory term for my throwing style and then applied it to call me a cheater, I’m less inclined to help you. I’m in a good mood, so I’ll forgive you the second and third questions and will answer your first.
I think submariner comes from the fact that we throw way below the average arm slot and submarines navigate way below the surface of the water. My only other guess is if you were to grade my velocity on a letter scale it would be well below “C” level.
I’ve lived in England for the last 4-years and was just wondering if you had any feelings on the lovely sport of cricket. Playing with a few Australians in college I became intrigued. Then moving here I became more interested…but in 2005 England won something called the ‘Ashes’ and…now I love it!
Tyler S., Her Majesty’s Country
That is a lovely question, Tyler.
I had to use the word ‘lovely’ in a sentence for the first time in my life to see how it went. Test drive it, in a sense. You know, put my fans’ shoes on for a minute and see what it’s like. It was lovely.
On to your question. To me, cricket makes about as much sense as folding a sports bra. Seriously, guys, try pulling a sports bra out of the dryer and folding it. Girls, try watching cricket. It’s kind of like other things you’ve done or seen before, but it’s just twisted enough that you have no idea what in the world is going on. And it takes way longer than it should.
Last week you discussed in great detail (kudos for it) about the best choice of donuts for a fantasy draft), well me and my friend (should that be my friend and I?) were discussing what’s the best type of snack food we should eat during a game. We both live in the UK so games tend to begin at 12:05 (5 hours ahead of ET) and so we need something that will keep us awake, but something which will also help us get our heads down after the game has finished, so we can relax and sleep peacefully after our teams’ victory. Also what if we aren’t hungry during the first few innings, but innings 6, 7 the hunger strikes, we’d also need something that we could eat if games go to extras. Now my personal favourite is popcorn and Oreos, Jimmy prefers crisps [or as you call them chips] with a beer, or half coated chocolate biscuits [cookies in your language] with a cup of tea. Seeing as you were really helpful with the donut topic, could you please help us find a solution to this dilemma?
Maccie and Jimmy, near Birmingham, England
Man, what is it with the Brits this week? I’m predicting economic woes are on their way across the pond to the Queen’s Majestic Land or whatever Tyler called it.
Additionally, I see you’ve added the ‘u’ in favourite, Maccie and Jimmy. Again, I’m going to try it out like I did with louvely earlier and see how it goes. Huh, not so baud so far. I can feel my confuidence elevating to unseen levels. It does leave a bit of an arrougant aftertaste in my mouth, thowgh.
I assume we are dealing with cricket again, so this may be difficult for me to answer because I’ve never watched a cricket game, nor have I been able to stomach your food. I am dedicated to my fans, so I’ll do my best. From what I’ve heard, cricket matches last days at a time (I’m basing this on my last laundry attempt which began on Tuesday and has resulted in poor Mrs. Disco resorting to ace bandages) so we will have to stick to non-perishables. You say hunger strikes in the 6th and 7th and I believe many matches last well into the hundreds, so we’re going to need lots of food. Donuts tend to go bad in the sun, so I’m going to say stick with Twinkies. Chips and beer always go well, but can only take you so far. Some q
uick googling has led me to suggest “bangers and mash”, but I’m pretty sure that’s a reference to the middle of the lineup hitters or an alt rock band. Man, I’m trying to think of what else you could snack on that won’t go sour or stale in 100 innings.
All I can think of is chew on why I misspelled thowgh earlier. It’ll keep you busy for hours and leave you satisfied.