Fan Mail Friday, June 19th
What’s up? I enjoy the blog, but I haven’t read anything for a few days, what’s going on with your stylings and groovings?
Here’s a question: Do you guys ever get tired of playing baseball? It seems that you get to travel and go to a bunch of places, make tons of money, and get to play the best game there is day in and day out. Does that take a toll on the guys in the locker room at all? I know if I had to spend each day with my co-workers without my cubicle walls up, I’d get annoyed almost each day, not to mention having to shower with them, that would be rough.
Stu D., Mission Viejo, CA
To Stu and the rest of my fellow fans: I appreciate the concern around the premonition my baseball career continues to skyrocket, which will inevitably cause my blogging career to crash and burn. I know it sounds impossible and perhaps improbable for both careers to continue to take off, but I plan to defy the odds and do just this. If not, I’ll start advertising and use the revenue to pay someone full-time to blog for me. You’ll never know the difference.
The clubhouse is a very fun place to be. It does potentially become repetitive, but there are a number of things that can be done to change things up and keep them exciting. For example, we often watch classic movies like Yellow Submarine and 20,000 leagues under the sea. It really makes for great bonding and we love it day in and day out.
In some clubhouses we don’t have access to a DVD player, so we are struck watching TV. We always stick with Sponge Bob Square Pants because his episodes are hilarious.
It seems every sponsor has something to do with being under water or under ground. Any reason for this? Why not a sponsor that has something to do with “Disco”?
Alright, fine…the sponsor thing didn’t really work out that well. It did, however add to my “tons” of dollars I make, which you referred to. After cashing my last paycheck for $483.50 (which covered two weeks in which we played a game each of the 14 days), I have gone to the bank and gotten 48,350 pennies and weighed them. Unfortunately they came out to only 267 lbs which means it will take 7 more paychecks for me to say I made a ton of money.
Maybe I should try to figure this sponsor thing out a little better. So, listen to sportsradio620.com on Saturdays from 10 to 11 ET to listen to Jason Benetti interview yours truly!
I’ve been considering changing careers and becoming a professional athlete, and would like your advice on what to pursue. The best options seem to me to be a) NFL kickoff specialist (no field goals, just touchback after touchback), b) long snapper, or c) knuckleballer. Your thoughts?
Grant, Lee’s Summit, MO
I like your options, Grant. Has anyone made any funny jokes based on Grant being from Lee or any kind of play on those names? If so, have them email it to firstname.lastname@example.org because I couldn’t really come up with anything solid.
I’m sad NBA bench towel-waver was not included in your options, but I understand there isn’t an NBA team in Kansas City, so I’m guessing you didn’t mention it because you would like to play close to home. That being said, your options are the Chiefs and the Royals, who share a parking lot, which means the logistics and travel to your office will be identical. So it’s going to be your lifestyle once you’re at the office that’s going to have to make this decision.
First, we’ll explore the Chiefs option. They were 26th out of 32 teams last year in scoring which may make for ‘A’ and ‘B’ being pretty cozy options. After a quick search to see who the Chiefs drafted this year, they spent their first 4 draft picks on defensive players, so we may be looking at a paid vacation for a Kickoff artist or long snapper. However, further inspection shows they drafted “Mr. Irrelevant” Ryan Succop in the 7th round and though I can’t say I’m a fan of his nickname (maybe Mr. I and I can get in touch and we can work on something “Disco-esque” for him), he sounds like a real brown-noser, so you may struggle to ta
ke his spot. I’m giving the edge to long snapper over the kickoff specialist.
So it’s long snapper vs. knuckleballer which leads me to a discussion on the pluses and minuses of pitching for the Royals; something that may lead to me choosing ‘B’ if I don’t choose my words carefully.
Final answer: If you have baby blue eyes, go with ‘C’ and become a soft-throwing, dreamy home day-game specialist. If one or more of your eyes are not blue, go with ‘B’.
What am I thinking? If I instructed one of my fans to become a pitcher throwing in the 70s for the Royals, I’d be kicking myself for all of eternity. Long snapper it is!
Does it make you mad when people say you look like Zack Grinke?
Jeff S., (military in Vegas) originally from Missouri
This Grinke fellow sounds like a total heartthrob. I don’t get to see the tabloids all that often, but I am picturing his countless beach photos with countless abs and a nice spray-tan gracing the racks at the grocery registers. On a side note, is “heartthrob” really one word?
Another side note: Did you mean Greinke? Perhaps you did because we both have boyish good looks, a Hollywood smile, and a fastball we can dial up to 97mph if need be. Except for the fastball. And the Hollywood part. And the good part.
To answer your question, no it doesn’t make me mad. It’s nice to be able to flatter a guy like Zach. He’s may have a SI Cover under his belt, but under my belt, I have sculpted, tanned abs.
What is your favorite movie monologue? Mine is Terrance Mann’s “People will come” from Field of Dreams.
Chris B., Meridian, MS
Maude [from Harold and Maude]: “A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They’re just backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.”