What pitches do you throw? At what speeds do you throw them? (I know you say you throw in the 70s, but does that mean you have a change up that’s in the 60s or even the 50s?) Which do you think is your best pitch?
Adam S., Arlington, VA

I have 4 pitches:  A Fastball, Slider, Change Up, and Rise Ball.  My Fastball and my Rise Ball are the same velocity and any give day will vary from 74 to 79mph, the Slider is typically 61 to 65 mph.  My Change Up is typically 70mph.

If you were wondering why I capitalized Fastball, Slider, Change Up, and Rise Ball I will now tell you.  It is because they are all biblically good.  You asked which one is my best pitch; I will give you some feedback and let you decide what you think.  One National League GM I contacted the other day had this to say when asked about my Rise Ball.  “His what?  Never heard of that…No, well, no never heard of a Rise Ball OR capitalizing pitches.”  He later added, “Or him [lowercase, of course].”  An American League Assistant GM and director of player development had this to say about my Fastball.  “Right now, and I’m not going with projection here, but right now as we speak his movement is as good as Chris Hayes’ in his prime and his command is up there with the likes of the Chris Hayeses in this game.  His velocity has consistently been clocked in the top 12 on his current team’s pitching staff.”

Tough decision so far, huh?  My Change Up requires an advanced degree in Physics to fully understand and I don’t have one of those, so I don’t even get it.  My Slider breaks at such an angle that when it is viewed from a center field-mounted camera, it appears to not break at all and is often mistaken for a Change Up or a little leaguer throwing out the ceremonial first pitch.  There it is.  You have the facts, I’ll let you decide which one is best.  
I would guess I’ve throw 80% Fastballs so far this year.  So if my actions speak to my favorite, you might have your answer there.  My Fastball has top spin and therefore has a ton of sink, so it induces contact on the ground.  In the occasion I need a strike out or a pop up, I will resort to my other Offerings more, but typically I’m looking for early weak contact on my Fastball.

It says in the Morning News this morning that you helped the Naturals out with a jam…what kind of jam was it? I like grape…
Larry H., Bentonville, AR

Larry, I’m gonna have to join the grape train with you.  I’d have to say it’s the best go-to flavor.  There may be days where you just want that extra kick strawberry or raspberry can give you, but if I was on a “desserted” island, I would want it covered in grape.

That being said, unfortunately for me, the other night the Naturals were working on a Strawberry Rhubarb Jam and had it all wrong.  Fortunately for them, I was able to come to the rescue and set things straight.  My wife’s grandmother makes her own Strawberry Rhubarb Jam from scratch, so I was able to get a hold of her and get the recipe.  I swear, it seemed like I left the room for all of 5 minutes and came back to find a absolute pectin catastrophe, but in the end I was able to save the day and make it all work out.  I’m glad the Morning News is finally covering our team’s culinary exploits.  We find it greatly improves our chemistry skills if we get together in the morning and work on making some type of bread adornment.  Next week we are going to get into nut butters, so hopefully the paper keeps up the coverage.

I’m really glad you’re blogging.  This is stellar writing.  Did you study creative writing or journalism or some such?  If you’re not already thinking about / writing a novel — or at least a few short stories — you really should.  Not just flashes of brilliance — your long entries are well-crafted.
Jonathan G., Cincinnati, OH

I’m really glad you’re reading.  This is stellar judgment.  Did you study literary criticism or theory or some such?  If you’re not already thinking about / buying my novel – or at least a few short stories – you really should pre-order it.  Not just flashes of good taste here – you’re long question is well-taken.

At Northwestern I was a computer science major, which made me part of the Tech Department, which meant it was against the rules for me to use a written word in any form in any of my assignments.  I wrote hundreds of thousands of lines of computer code and designed my fair share of circuits and robotic cars.  But the only writing I did was on proofs, theorems, and in solving differential equations and that was all in Greek letters.

My sister studied Creative Writing at Oberlin College which is one of the top Liberal Arts colleges in the country.  She now works as an editor at a Nationally Published Research Journal.  I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.  Or is it “an” Holiday Inn Express?  Damn English.  Got to go email my sis another question.

Going to Northwestern University a school with many current minor leagues do you still keep in touch with you former teammates such as George Kontos, Mark Ori, and J.A Happ?
DaNilo, V., White Plains, NY

I do keep up with those guys a decent amount.  We all still live around Chicago during the off season and typically work out together, so there’s a bond in the winter months.  During the year we keep in touch sporadically.  Ori is in the Texas League and I recently crowned him the best player in the Texas League in a previous Fan Mail Friday.

Happ is on TV and actually a few weeks ago was pitching when Rollins made a web gem on a slow roller.  Baseball Tonight showed the #3 web gem of the night and I saw Happ pitching and thought it was going to be him making the play because he’s a ridiculous athlete, but alas, he wasn’t quick enough to get over to the ball.  Maybe the WS ring slowed him down.  I sent him a text giving him a hard time for not making the play and suggesting he finally take that thing off.  If you’d like find out more about how Northwestern Grads are taking over professional baseball from the inside, check out this article Rany Jazayerli wrote about me this off season.  It’s probably much funnier now that my reference is in blockbuster-hit-movie form instead of just a book like it was at the time of the article’s publication.  Ironic, I know, but what can you say, Disco is way ahead of the times.

If you were knighted (like Sidney Ponson) would you make everyone call you Sir Disco Hayes?
Tim R., Kansas City, MO

I’ve looked into this because I think it’s a great point you bring up.  You’re right, it is only a matter of time before I am rightfully honored by a country, or a land, or by a people.  Can you say “a people”?  Yes, cause I just did.  In my research, I looked into what is a proper way to address a Knight and found some interesting info.  Much to my surprise, though, being a Knight really isn’t that cool (sorry Sir Sidney).  There’s about 15 levels of cool in the Royal sense and Knight is scraping bottom.  I mean, if becoming a Knight is really only one level cooler than being me right now, I could take it or leave it.  If James Dean didn’t need to be Sir James, why would Disco need “Sir Disco”?

Here’s the breakdown in lessening order of royalty: Emperor, King, Prince, Duke, Baron, Marquess, Earl, Viscount
, Baronet, and last and least, Knight.  Though Baronet probably sounds most dangerous and Marquess is the least known so perhaps has the highest level of intrigue (“His Marquessness Disco Hayes of Melbourne” has quite a ring to it), I think I’m looking at worst case scenario accepting Duke status.  If Canada or Wales or somewhere comes calling and wants to Dukify me, I think I would say yes under the explicit condition Dick Vitale will not be doing color commentary on my life from that point forward.

When it’s all said and done, this all comes down to marketing and a Google search of “Sir Disco” reveals no results that would be able to hold a candle to me.  To prepare for future world fame and royalty bestowed upon me, I also checked and “Lord Disco” and “His Disconess” are also relatively easy Google targets as well.

My inbox has become overrun with Fan Mail, so each Friday, I’m going to
publish a few of the questions with my answers.  Ask something good and
you may become famous next week.  Please send emails to fanmail@discohayes.com.

One quick question and I’m out.  Where did the Disco nickname come from?  If you answered that earlier in your blog please accept my apologies upfront.
Lonnie S., Springdale, AR

I am called Disco because I throw in the 70s.

I gave myself the nickname, which is a true sign you have “arrived”.  I’ve done some extensive research and the demographics are really showing people are liking the nickname.  42 to 58-year-old males associate with the era and think it adds a cool-factor to an unassuming white guy with not a whole lot of “wow-factor”.  The most alarming news and perhaps the best sign the nickname is working is with 21 to 34-year-old females.  Prior to my nickname, only 0.3% of this demographic had heard of me.  But, the survey finds that 99.1% had heard the term “Disco” so they must have since found out about me.  My well below average fastball really seems to be holding me back from super-stardom with the women aged 21 to 34, but my foot seems to now be in the door, so I’ll take it.  The rest of the breakdowns seem to bode well, except for both genders aged 79 and up seem to still have a bitter taste in their mouth about the Disco era.  Personally I don’t see the reason why they would hold this against my “Disco Revival” here in 2009, but you know how those octogenarians can be, they are an intractable and irascible lot.  I think deep down they love me, because, how couldn’t you, but they hate surveys.  We didn’t look into the statistical significance of this in our study.  Lastly, kids aged 6 to 14 wanted a baseball and an autograph from me equally both before and after my nickname was self assigned.

As a side note, though I have yet to reap the monetary benefits of my hilarious and career-propelling nickname, Fabian reportedly has brought in an extra $20,000 so far this year in royalties from the added sales of his 1978 hit “Disco Fever“.  The extra sales have been found with “Bienenstich und Disco-Fieber” the German re-release as well.

What is your stance on answering fan mail submitted by people you know? This is a totally hypothetical question.
C. Hayes, Ann Arbor, MI

Thank you, C.  I’m pretty sure I know who you are.  I only have one sibling, and her first initial is C.  I’m pretty sure Michigan’s only Arbor is named Ann, so that tells us nothing.  Hypothetically, I’d say I can answer this question. 

However, that one time when I was 16 and you asked me if I broke mom’s car windshield with a basketball IN FRONT OF MOM was not a time, hypothetically of course, to ask me a question.

And the time you asked me why the dog bit Dad and, at age 2, I was too young to know not to answer that “maybe it was cause I sticked my finger up his butt,” was also, again hypothetically, a question I should not have answered.  This question, though, seems much more appropriate and not incriminating, therefor I will answer it hypothetically.

Here’s my question- Why do you keep calling my cell and hanging up? I know its you, I can hear you breathing.  Seriously, do you find yourself cheering for the current major league staff to do poorly?  I hope you get the call, mostly because I just picked you up in my fantasy league.  The league just added a new category, the category is witty responses to emails… I plan on dominating.
Trevor C. N., Toronto, Ontario

Here’s my question- Is the CN Tower named after you?  That’s not meant to be witty, because the last thing I would want is for you to do well in your fantasy league.  But unless the tower is named after you, why would you include two names after Trevor?  Were you worried another Trevor N. wrote in something as insanely clever as accusing me of calling you and breathing into the phone.  Let me tell you something, I may breath a little loud because I have a fever (Disco Fever of course) but at no point have I called the largest free-standing structure in the Americas.

We play games pretty much every night, so I rarely get to see the Royals play.  And when I do, I mainly am looking at the new stadium to see the changes they’ve made.  I went and visited the K in 2006 so I knew exactly what it looked, smelled and felt like.  That way when I took the field in places like Clinton, IA, I could visualize Kauffman and transform the field so it felt more like Kansas City to me.  When you’re somewhere like Tulsa, OK, it’s nice to “listen” to fountains in your head during Batting Practice and turn around and “see” yourself on the new largest piece of equipment with an electric current behind you in center field.  Now that all the renovations have been made, I like seeing what’s different.

I just discovered your blog a few days ago.  Hilarious stuff.  Question: do you play any fantasy sports?  If so, who are your team favorites?  Finally, if there were a fantasy minor league baseball game, please be assured that you’d be one of my top pitchers.
Brad G., Dubai

I play Settlers of Catan.  My favorite team is the White Team.  I also particularly like getting the longest road and a few victory points.  The largest army is something I’ve never really been a big fan of, so I tend to root against them.  I remember one particular instance when a friend, Erin, played an ore monopoly one turn before there was no way I could be denied victory (aside from an ore monopoly being played) and I didn’t want to talk to her for a week.

I used to play fantasy baseball, but when I started playing reality baseball my ability to have Internet access on a daily basis diminished and I’d get frustrated because I couldn’t put Victor Martinez back in my lineup after an off day and I’d be stuck with Ron Karkovice instead.  Maybe you and Trevor Tower should get together and start a league and fight over my rights.  Watch out for men 42 to 58 though, they may not want to give me up.

Thanks
to everyone for your questions, please keep writing in and I’ll do my
best to get to as many as I can.  Please send more questions and more
love to fanmail@discohayes.com.