Tagged: Royals

Fan Mail Friday, May 15th

Ok, I played NCAA-D2 football and noticed that baseball players at our school always seemed to be “too cool” for us or not interested in being friendly to us football guys.  Not that my feelings were hurt at all…but I was just curious if you had the same issues going through college, maybe this was a rivalry of some sort for some reason.  I always thought they were jeoulous of our success and the press that we got.  In college, did you ever have any issues as a baseball player with other sports?
Justin T.  Kansas City, MO

Our fencing team at Northwestern was outstanding.  In fact, at the time I was at school, fencing was the only team sport which had won a national championship (our Girls Lacrosse team’s has dominated since my departure now that they can focus on Lacrosse and not ogling the one and only Disco).  But man, those fencers were a real egotistical bunch back in my day.  They were also the coolest of the cool.  If you walked in to a campus party and the fencing team was there it was time to just turn around and walk out.  Not only did you not stand a chance with any girls at the party, but if a fight broke out, you were screwed.  I mean, as a pitcher, you can perhaps find a ball-shaped object and try to hit someone with it, but those fencers can kill you 6 ways with a pixie stick.  And they knew it.  They ruled campus at Northwestern.  There was an aura about them that made you want to wear awkwardly crotched pants and be light on your toes, too.  I tripped in the lunch line one day and a group of fencers hopped over me and effortlessly snagged a few heads of broccoli with their forks in one swoop like it was nothing.  The grace and balance they exhibited!  Ah, I have to admit I, myself, was…um jeoulous?

As if the social and dating scene wasn’t embarrassing enough, the editor for our school’s newspaper made sure to pick a crossword puzzle with the word EPEE in it every single day.  It got to the point I wouldn’t even attempt the bottom left corner of the puzzle each day because I knew that stupid word would be there mocking me.  I delayed my dabblings in sabermetrics for a while in college because I thought they were spelled starting with ‘sabre-‘ (aw, come on, foil would have been too easy to fit in to a sentence).

That being said, as a computer science major I didn’t run in to a whole lot of athletes during my daily schedule.  I was no good at Counter Strike and was even worse at Pong so, Justin, I know what it’s like feeling like everyone else is “too cool”.

PS.  Loved you on Saturday Night Live last weekend, JT.  When’d you move to KC?

From It’s All Greek to Me–“My calves are really the one and only attribute of my body people might look at in a body catalog and want to order for themselves. My ankles are skinny and athletic-looking and my calves are well defined. Analysts typically wear long pants, so I’m still able to pull off the look without problems, but from the knee down I’m pretty proud of my body. On to examine the masterpiece … “

Well, can we see the goods?
Liz G., Sucre, Bolivia


Do you have any pet peeves?
Nancy, R. Luxembourg, Luxembourg

Thanks for asking this Nancy.  I’m so glad you asked actually.  There’s one pet peeve that was absolutely driving me nuts tonight.  Ah, I’m so glad you asked.  In fact, I’m so glad, I actually made you up and asked this question of myself in order to be able to vent about this on Fanmail Friday.

Shower Knob Syndrome (SKS) is an issue that has driven me nuts from the time I was old enough to shower on my own.  The showers in the locker room at our home ballpark are the nicest looking showers in the league.  The bathroom is completely automated and new and clean and big; the showers have nice pressure and are spacious and private.  The entire facility is incredibly nice.  But it means nothing to me because the shower knobs suffer from SKS.

In case you are unfamiliar, in order to explain SKS, I will provide a sample of what a typical showering experience for myself or any of my teammates on a given night goes like (try to stay calm ladies, we’re talking SKS here, this is serious).  For this exercise, please keep in mind according to WikiAnswers.com, a comfortable showering temperature is 105 degrees.

Enter shower.
Shower knob at 6:00 on a clock (pointing straight down), shower off.
Turn knob counter clockwise up to 12:00, shower on, temperature near 130 degrees.
Turn knob to 2:00, temperature 70 degrees.
Knob to 1:00, temperature to 125.
Knob 1:30, temperature 124. 2:00, 70 again.
1:50, 80–too cold.
1:40, 119–too hot.
1:45, 116–too hot.
1:50, 80 ice.
1:48, 98.
1:46, 114.  Sigh disgustedly.
1:47, 99.  Now we’re getting close.
1:46:20, 114.
1:46:50, 99.  SOB.
1:46:30, 113.  Debate going home sans shower, smelling like a ski lodge.
1:46:35, 112.  Fingers getting pruny.
1:46:48, 101.
1:46:05, crap! 120 degrees.
1:46:44, 103.
1:46:42, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, finally 105.

And then…someone flushes the toilet.  As you hear the first signs of the flush, your water immediately turns either to scalding or freezing and you have singed skin or body parts running for cover.  Repeat process, this time with shampoo in your eyes.

So, yes, Nancy I do have a pet peeve and it’s stupid shower knobs that require such precise placement to get a comfortable shower.  In the Olympics when the Chinese balance beam-er goes through her routine absolutely flawlessly with grace, athleticism and control and sticks the landing, she gets a 9.82 out of 10.  Then the girl from Russia goes and falls off twice, cries for a stanza of her song, and then slowly slides off the beam one foot at a time and weeps at the judges, only to receive a 9.26 out of 10.  Why have the scale theoretically go from 0 to 10 when you are only going to give people between a 9.2 and a 9.85 anyway?  The shower knob is the same thing.  If you’re going to have a knob that rotates 180 degrees, why make the desired temperature range one tenth of one percent of a degree.  It’s probably more complicated than I’m making it and isn’t that easy of a fix, so Joe the Plumber, please write in and explain to me why.  I haven’t seen you on TV for a while, you’re probably missing the lime light.

My son and I were big fans of yours in Burlington, Iowa.  We loved to see you pitch and you always so kind and friendly to talk to.  What are your favorite memories of pitching in Burlington and the Midwest League?
Tom and Will, Burlington, IA

Hey Tom and Will, hope you guys enjoyed the championship run last year!  For me, after two tours of duty in Burlington and countless bullpen shenanigans, this was tough to narrow down…

A personal favorite of mine, though, was when the team would rally and a sound effect of bees buzzing would play over the loud speakers (we were the Burlington Bees for those of you who aren’t die hard Midwest League fans).  In the bullpen in 2006, w
e started to pretend like we were being swarmed by bees.  The Bees (capital B) would hit a run scoring double, the sound effect would play and in the bullpen we would all take our hats off and start swatting and running around in the bullpen like idiots being chased by bees.  The sound guy at the field must have started to notice and enjoy the ploy and over the course of the year it became a tradition.  By the time 2007 rolled around, it was a hit with the fans, too.  When we’d score a run or get the bases loaded, the sound would play and everyone would look down at the bullpen and have a laugh.

We eventually realized we had a captive audience when the sound would play (though only for 5 seconds or so) so we got the idea to, instead of waving our hats and acting like we were being swarmed, perform a short skit for the fans.  In the bullpen you have an abundance of free time, so one day in the early innings we planned out all the skits for the late inning rallies.  It was a crowded game, which made it a prime opportunity.  The first time our team got some momentum at the plate, we lined up like a doubles tennis match and played a point using our hats as rackets.  We had two ball boys and a line judge, it was beautiful.  The second time it went off, we did a “team lift” where one of us bench pressed his hat, the other squatted his hat, the next one was doing curls with his hat and yet another was doing bent over rows.  We did a conga line, ran sprints to the foul line and back to the bench twice, and then ended it with duck duck goose.

In hindsight it probably went completely unnoticed by the fans, but we were having a blast and were giggling like we were back in T-Ball.  Can’t beat fun at the old ballpark, I guess.

Are you ever going to write about a trainer in your blog?  You know that most trainers are the backbone of the team right?  Plus we, I mean they, like some recognition every so often.  Even if you never really need anything from them and were only around them for a few months.
Carlos O, Tucumcari, NM

Hmmmm.  Carlos O.  I’m trying to think here, do I know you?  Were we on a team together or something?  You sound like a shortstop.  Your English is a little broken too, that last sentence–er phrase–you sent needs a little work.  But aside from your english, I don’t notice any typos, so you probably have great hands.  You must be a short stop, but I can’t remember you for the life of me.

Oh wait, you did mentioned trainers.  I think I remember now!  You were my trainer. When I played in the Arizona Fall League.  Yes, that’s it!  The Arizona Fall League.  The most prestigious winter league in all of professional baseball, I remember now.  That league where each organization sends the best of it’s very best prospects.  This last fall when I was selected by the Royals to play in the Arizona Fall League you were there as a trainer.  Yes, I vaguely remember you in the clubhouse amongst the likes of Matt Wieters and, well, um, I’m sure there were a bunch of other great players there (did I mention it was the Arizona Fall League?), it’s just I can’t remember anyone other than Wieters right now.  Well, other than myself, of course.

Yes.  Carlos, I think I remember you now.  Didn’t you offer to tape my ankle a bunch of times and then once I finally obliged (even though it didn’t hurt), you asked me to sign the scraps after I removed them?  You said it was for some kid back home in Maine who loved Disco music.  Was this all a ploy? It’s unraveling right before my eyes, just like that unnecessary tape did.  It says here you’re from New Mexico.  Do you realize how far that is from Maine?  You probably sold that tape on eBay.  And now you’re asking for a mention on my blog just for your 15 minutes of fame?  Good luck.  You might as well fly to Kansas City and try to track down ‘ole Timberlake from a few questions ago and try to mooch off his D2 football fame.

How bout this?  Invent me a digital shower knob and you’ll be on my blog every night.

I am Batman

But my groin still hurts.

Tracy and I babysat for some good friends of ours who have a 2-year-old (Lucas) and a few-month-old (Ryan).  I’m not too good with ages, and I figure most guys aren’t so one kid could talk (though not perfectly) and run around and stuff and the other could sit up and eat, but couldn’t stand on his own without the aid of a table.  Both of them are cute as can be and very well behaved.

When we showed up for the gig, we found another boy around the same age as Lucas, though probably a little older because he was bigger.  He was Lucas’ friend and his name was Ty.  First, a funny Tracy-esque tangent about that… At the end of our time with the boys, I was coloring with them and showed them how to trace their hands with Crayons.  First I traced Lucas’ hand and wrote Lucas on the palm so he could show his mom.  Then I traced Ty’s.  Without even batting an eye I wrote “Thai” on the palm.  I’ve never been much of a speller, but it cracks me up to think the parents are going to get home and the boys, who were given direct instructions by me to show their parents their hands, were going to see I had written “Thai”.  Ah, Quacumque Sunt Vera, Northwestern.

Batman Begins

Back to the story.  At one point early on in our babysitting, the boys and I were sitting at the lunch table waiting for Tracy to slice the pizza for us.  To pass time and quiz the boys, I pointed at Tracy and said, “What’s her name?”  Both Ty and Lucas looked at each other and then agreed on “Ms. Tracy.”  It was quite cute to see two southern gentlemen in the making.  Here comes the good part:  Tracy asks the boys, “Who’s that?” and points at me.  Lucas quizzically puts his hands out to the side and says, “Who?”  Ty responds, “That Man” and points at me.  At the time, I found it funny to be called a man, but I find what comes next even funnier.  Lucas, having misheard Ty’s slightly strained English, looks at me wide-eyed and with a sweet southern voice that got progressively higher as he asked me a question says, “Batman?”

Now, had I known what would transpire the rest of the day ahead of time, I would have definitely answered differently and said, “No, actually it’s Chris, but people call me Disco.”  But I was assuming he was just repeating what Ty said and was asking “that man?”, so I immediately said yes.  Lucas’ eyes got huge and his legs start to kick in his high chair in excitement.  At the point I realize what just happened and I understand why, I could sense how thrilled he was.  He said “‘Batman’, not ‘That Man'”.  It was funny and flattering for me, and for him, how cool was it to have Batman come to your house and babysit you?  Again, had I known what was going to ensue, I would have put an end to it right there, but I didn’t know and besides, how can you let the kid down at this point?  He couldn’t even eat a piece of his pizza, he was so excited to get to play with Batman.

The Dark Knight

We go out to the front porch area and start to play on their Big Wheels.  The two boys were having a blast riding their tiny cars between Ms. Tracy’s and Batman’s legs.  Lucas was so excited to be playing with Batman he began calling himself Spiderman to not be outdone with superpowers.  After a short stint on the porch for Ty–after all, I’m pretty sure he knew it was just Ms. Tracy and Mr. Chris–he returns back inside and leaves Lucas and I outside.  Lucas asks me, Batman, to ride the Big Wheel with him.  He gets on his bike and, for some reason (common sense does not come standard on a Bat Suit, I guess), I try to sit down on the other Big Wheel, though it’s really just one of those mini-Big Wheels made for toddlers.  I put my butt down on the tiny seat and at exactly the moment my hands come off the ground–where they had been supporting my weight–and move them towards the handle bars to try to steer, the axle snaps and the car breaks in half.  Lucas whips his head around to see what Batman is doing to his toy to find me bent over at the waist with the steering column of the Big Wheel lodged directly into my groin.  When the axle broke, my weight shifted forward and my momentum was stopped by a 2-inch-wide plastic nutcracker.  At this point my eyes are protruding from my head, and though I don’t think I could see out of them, I could feel the presence of Lucas wondering with amazement what trick Batman was pulling.  The only trick I had in mind was to refrain from swearing and crying as the steering column made its way deeper into my personal space (I have a rip in my jeans from the accident proving the pinpoint location and force with which I was Big Wheeled in the nuts).  I peeled myself off the pavement and out of the grasps of the plastic groin-shot toy and began the slow process of walking off the pain.  You know how there are certain walks that are unmistakable?  Like when it’s raining everyone lowers their head just a bit and kinks their spine forward at the neck and raises their eyebrows and walks a bit hunched.  Well there is a groin-pain walk that involves short strides, a mild squint and a green-tinted face that Batman perfected yesterday.   Perhaps concerned, but most likely just curious, Lucas ran over and tapped me on the hip and said, “Batman” and pointed at his Big Wheel.  I tried to say, “Sorry buddy,” but all I could muster was a wheeze out of my mouth.

The real Batman does not get taken out by shots below the belt.  He probably wears a cup at all times and if not, he’s Batman and doesn’t put himself in compromising situations like this.  But after all, I’m still just Disco and my groin still hurts.

Fan Mail Friday, May 8

My inbox has become overrun with Fan Mail, so each Friday, I’m going to
publish a few of the questions with my answers.  Ask something good and
you may become famous next week.  Please send emails to fanmail@discohayes.com.

One quick question and I’m out.  Where did the Disco nickname come from?  If you answered that earlier in your blog please accept my apologies upfront.
Lonnie S., Springdale, AR

I am called Disco because I throw in the 70s.

I gave myself the nickname, which is a true sign you have “arrived”.  I’ve done some extensive research and the demographics are really showing people are liking the nickname.  42 to 58-year-old males associate with the era and think it adds a cool-factor to an unassuming white guy with not a whole lot of “wow-factor”.  The most alarming news and perhaps the best sign the nickname is working is with 21 to 34-year-old females.  Prior to my nickname, only 0.3% of this demographic had heard of me.  But, the survey finds that 99.1% had heard the term “Disco” so they must have since found out about me.  My well below average fastball really seems to be holding me back from super-stardom with the women aged 21 to 34, but my foot seems to now be in the door, so I’ll take it.  The rest of the breakdowns seem to bode well, except for both genders aged 79 and up seem to still have a bitter taste in their mouth about the Disco era.  Personally I don’t see the reason why they would hold this against my “Disco Revival” here in 2009, but you know how those octogenarians can be, they are an intractable and irascible lot.  I think deep down they love me, because, how couldn’t you, but they hate surveys.  We didn’t look into the statistical significance of this in our study.  Lastly, kids aged 6 to 14 wanted a baseball and an autograph from me equally both before and after my nickname was self assigned.

As a side note, though I have yet to reap the monetary benefits of my hilarious and career-propelling nickname, Fabian reportedly has brought in an extra $20,000 so far this year in royalties from the added sales of his 1978 hit “Disco Fever“.  The extra sales have been found with “Bienenstich und Disco-Fieber” the German re-release as well.

What is your stance on answering fan mail submitted by people you know? This is a totally hypothetical question.
C. Hayes, Ann Arbor, MI

Thank you, C.  I’m pretty sure I know who you are.  I only have one sibling, and her first initial is C.  I’m pretty sure Michigan’s only Arbor is named Ann, so that tells us nothing.  Hypothetically, I’d say I can answer this question. 

However, that one time when I was 16 and you asked me if I broke mom’s car windshield with a basketball IN FRONT OF MOM was not a time, hypothetically of course, to ask me a question.

And the time you asked me why the dog bit Dad and, at age 2, I was too young to know not to answer that “maybe it was cause I sticked my finger up his butt,” was also, again hypothetically, a question I should not have answered.  This question, though, seems much more appropriate and not incriminating, therefor I will answer it hypothetically.

Here’s my question- Why do you keep calling my cell and hanging up? I know its you, I can hear you breathing.  Seriously, do you find yourself cheering for the current major league staff to do poorly?  I hope you get the call, mostly because I just picked you up in my fantasy league.  The league just added a new category, the category is witty responses to emails… I plan on dominating.
Trevor C. N., Toronto, Ontario

Here’s my question- Is the CN Tower named after you?  That’s not meant to be witty, because the last thing I would want is for you to do well in your fantasy league.  But unless the tower is named after you, why would you include two names after Trevor?  Were you worried another Trevor N. wrote in something as insanely clever as accusing me of calling you and breathing into the phone.  Let me tell you something, I may breath a little loud because I have a fever (Disco Fever of course) but at no point have I called the largest free-standing structure in the Americas.

We play games pretty much every night, so I rarely get to see the Royals play.  And when I do, I mainly am looking at the new stadium to see the changes they’ve made.  I went and visited the K in 2006 so I knew exactly what it looked, smelled and felt like.  That way when I took the field in places like Clinton, IA, I could visualize Kauffman and transform the field so it felt more like Kansas City to me.  When you’re somewhere like Tulsa, OK, it’s nice to “listen” to fountains in your head during Batting Practice and turn around and “see” yourself on the new largest piece of equipment with an electric current behind you in center field.  Now that all the renovations have been made, I like seeing what’s different.

I just discovered your blog a few days ago.  Hilarious stuff.  Question: do you play any fantasy sports?  If so, who are your team favorites?  Finally, if there were a fantasy minor league baseball game, please be assured that you’d be one of my top pitchers.
Brad G., Dubai

I play Settlers of Catan.  My favorite team is the White Team.  I also particularly like getting the longest road and a few victory points.  The largest army is something I’ve never really been a big fan of, so I tend to root against them.  I remember one particular instance when a friend, Erin, played an ore monopoly one turn before there was no way I could be denied victory (aside from an ore monopoly being played) and I didn’t want to talk to her for a week.

I used to play fantasy baseball, but when I started playing reality baseball my ability to have Internet access on a daily basis diminished and I’d get frustrated because I couldn’t put Victor Martinez back in my lineup after an off day and I’d be stuck with Ron Karkovice instead.  Maybe you and Trevor Tower should get together and start a league and fight over my rights.  Watch out for men 42 to 58 though, they may not want to give me up.

Thanks
to everyone for your questions, please keep writing in and I’ll do my
best to get to as many as I can.  Please send more questions and more
love to fanmail@discohayes.com.

Fan Mail Friday, May 1

My inbox has become overrun with Fan Mail, so each Friday, I’m going to publish a few of the questions with my answers.  Ask something good and you may become famous next week.  Please send emails to fanmail@discohayes.com.

Who’s the best hitter you’ve faced so far this year?
Greg U., Ketchum, ID

There’s a saying that goes, “If you look good, you play good.”  I think that may be grammatically incorrect, but it’s a saying nonetheless.  I don’t think anyone really regulates sayings.  Maybe they should.  Anyway, given the quote, I think it’s best to answer by picking which hitter I’ve faced that looks the best.  I’m going to go with Mark Ori from the Corpus Christi Hooks.  Yeah yeah yeah, I went to college with him, I’ve had a man crush for years, I can hear it now.  Erroneous.  All of it.  Seriously, the guy just wears his pants better than anyone else in the Texas League right now.  He’s got the wristband kinda things and probably some tape.  Maybe even eye black.  I don’t remember.  I actually haven’t faced him yet this year now that I think about it because every team I faced for the first 3 weeks of the season was named the San Antonio Missions, but still, the guy can don a “uni” better than anyone.

You didn’t ask, but by the same token, the worst hitter I’ve faced so far this year is Brett Wallace of the Springfield Cardinals.

Who’s the best prankster on the team?  Any good pranks?
Sharron, S., Oak Grove, MO

The key to pranks is for the prankster to remain anonymous.  So I’ll just say G. De La Vara.  Shoot, too obvious, eh?  Alright, we’ll call him Gilbert.  The weird thing about Gilbert is, though he’s perhaps the best prankster, almost all pranks this year have been at his expense.  Any day where Gilbert is able to get dressed without having to climb a ladder to retrieve an article of clothing from the venting ducts is a disappointment throughout our clubhouse.  That being said in the Arizona Fall League, Gilbert was quite effective in his efforts to harass an un-named Dodgers’ prospect.  Eye black on the inside of the batting helmet is an almost indefensible prank.  We haven’t had anything that has stood out too much, but I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

You grew up in the city?  So what’s it like living in Arkansas?
Jim B. H., Cotton Plant, AR

Should every sentence in my answer end in a question mark?  Did you ask two questions?  Or one?  I digress…?

I’m much better at riding mules.  I can now milk cows and the occasional chicken.  I’ve started wetting the bed because I’m sick of walking outside to the outhouse.  Also, our cat did it weeks ago, so once the ice was broken, I figured why not?  I have really been working on my memory skills because it’s impossible to remember all the names of our neighbors.  There’s ton of them and they each have at least 2 “first” names.  And they all look exactly the same and how many twin-in-laws can you have?  I mean, that still doesn’t even make sense to me.  I shower only when it rains and dry off only when there’s a tornado.  Those two events happen extremely often and in conjunction with each other for the most part, so I’m clean.  At first I couldn’t get used to the non-paved streets, but now that I have installed my 5-foot monster truck tires it’s kinda fun.  Also, I’ve never met a dentist I’ve liked and thankfully here, I’ve never met a dentist.

Did you know you are my favorite player?
Jacob J., Haverhill, NH

I had never heard of you until you emailed me.  But I did know that IF you existed, I would have been your favorite player.  So it’s a bit hard to answer your question.  I think in a philosophical sense, no.  But realistically, it’s hard to not look in the mirror every day and know I’m the favorite player of thousands of people I’ll never know.  I’ll go with yes.  And you’re welcome.

Does it bother you when people say you throw like a girl?  Do you throw like a girl?
Dick O., Naperville, IL

I don’t care when they say it.  However, when they ASK me if I do, that’s what really gets me.  Please never write again.

Thanks to everyone for your questions, please keep writing in and I’ll do my best to get to as many as I can.  Please send more questions and more love to fanmail@discohayes.com.

1 Minute Monday, April 13th

Hope everyone had a great easter.  I had a very very nice one, my wife surprised me in Corpus Christi so we could spend it together.  she wasn’t planning on coming down cause it’s so far, but it was really a nice surprise to find her here!  Sad news in baseball today with kalas and fidrych passing away.  growing up in detroit and being around baseball i’ve heard wuite a bit about fidrych and you have to lov e aguy who makes it that much fun to be a fan.  one more day her ein corups and then the long

Opening Day 2009…Texas Style

Opening day in the Texas League this year was, fittingly, in Texas.  It was my first opening day in Texas in my career.  Those of you die-hards will remember last year I was in Wilmington, DE for the first few weeks (though I didn’t play) and then moved to Double-A, so I missed the opener here last year.

This opener was one to forget.  At least I assume it was, because I have forgotten.  I think the paper said we lost 7-2 and I didn’t pitch.

I woke up this morning and was deciding what I could blog about.  After all, it is the first game of the year; I have to write something.  Nothing was coming to mind.  I walked down to the front desk to try out the breakfast.  I was at a loss for ideas until I wobbled over to the waffle machine in a semi-conscious daze.  I opened up the iron device to find a pattern in the skillet shaped perfectly into the state of Texas.  Disgustedly and desperately, I sidled over to the other waffle-maker only to find the same fate.  I could have my waffle shaped like any state I wanted, as long as that state was Texas.  Now, I have made pancakes that have resembled other states.  I mean it’s an average morning to eat the Hawaiian chain.  Maybe you grew up with a square griddle and had debates about whether your pancake tasted like Wyoming or Colorado.  And who hasn’t had a South Carolina pancake when the batter runs into another Georgia pancake and you have to separate the two?  Frankly, in my early days of flipping, I undoubtedly had a few West Virginia pancakes when the batter was still too runny to flip.

But Texas?

On a waffle?

When a person refers to his- or herself in the third person, we call it arrogant.  When a state does it, we call it:

TEXAS*

Occasionally you will read billboards that say “Wisconsin’s Largest Car Dealership” or “Alabama’s choice for morning coffee” depending on which of the “other 49” you are in.  I have yet to see a billboard in Texas that does not include the word “Texas.”  Whether you are looking for apparel, seafood, bail bonds, or dentures, you are going to have to choose Texas’ own, or Texas’ favorite, or Texas-style, or Texas’ #1.  If you can spell T-e-x-a-s and know what a superlative is, you have just got your Marketing degree from UT.

If you fell from a helicopter and landed in an unknown state and were too stubborn to come right out and ask, 49 times out of 50, it would take you a while to pick out where you were.  In Texas, you’d know in 5 seconds.  It would tell you so essentially immediately.  Whether it’s the lone stars on the pillars on the highway or the billboards or the state flag every 15 feet, Texas self promotes more than TO.

As I ate the gulf coast of my delectable waffle, I decided not to fight Texas and just go with it.  Get in the spirit.  Pride is a good thing, right?  Maybe I was just jealous.  What has Illinois ever done for me?  How many t-shirts and $3.50 hats have I seen at a truck stop with Illinois on it?  By the panhandle, the blood was starting to flow and I was ready to hold two undeniable and overused truths to be self-evident:

  1. Everything is bigger in Texas
  2. Don’t mess with Texas

If you aren’t aware of these truths, you have never been to Texas nor met anyone from Texas (or perhaps you have met someone from Texas, you just couldn’t understand their twang).  If you fall in any of these categories, I will let you, at the end of this blog, be the judge as to whether or not you are missing out.  In the meantime, I will expunge on these words to live by.

Everything is bigger in Texas

My Texas waffle was inscribed inside the circular machine and was noticeably smaller.  In fact, prior to discovering the fate of my waffle shape, I noted how small the Dixie cups were that you pour the batter in.  After staying in approximately 70 Quality Inns (or other establishments of that…um…quality) per year, I’m pretty accustomed to how much batter is supposed to go into one of these waffle machines.  My breakfast portion was noticeably smaller.  In Texas.  Liars.

Don’t mess with Texas

The more I read this “truth” the less I understand it.  “Don’t mess with Chuck Norris,” I get.  “Don’t mess with that lion cub’s mother,” I get.  But a state?  If you dropped anyone, even a native Texan off in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico and had him walk across the border to Texas, I would wager he will not know precisely at which point he can no longer “mess” with the New Mexico ground he is standing on and rather pay homage to the Texas dirt.  I mean, sure, geographical borders can be dangerous, don’t get me wrong.  I’d understand “Don’t mess with North Korea” as possible words to live by.  But “Don’t mess with Texas”?  Any “messing” of the land within the dreidle-shaped borders of this state will be smote by . . . no income tax?  The horror.

So, Texas.  You took opening day and turned it into a long bus ride the night before followed by scorching 95-degree temps (in early April!) for practice, followed by a loss, followed by a shrunken breakfast portion on a morning I had a full-sized appetite.  Here’s advice to you: “Make everything bigger in Texas if you’re going to make this claim…especially my waffle” AND “Don’t mess with my breakfast.”

*See Truth #1

1 Minute Monday, April 6th

A cat peed on our bed today.  just below my pillow.  like right where my shoulder goes.  he has made it clear he specifically does not like men by his placement of urine.  i had no idea what cat urine smelled like until today, but i will not forget now.  good thing he did it because i had forgotten it was monday and would have just gone to sleep.  but now my wife and i are up doing laundry and i have something to write about.  happy april and opening day to all…we have some stories of our recent move so stay tun

1 Minute Monday, March 30th

Today I hthrew in another minor league spring training game and it wasn not one of those days where it seemed easy to pitch.  i felt like i was using balls that didn’t want to be caught and i had to pitch with those.  some days it just doesn’t go the way you’d like and i wasn’t as sharp as normal.  we are alsmost done with spring training and break camp her ein a few days.  not exactly sure where i’m going yet, but i hope i get another outing before we break camp later this w

Big Leagues to Bean Bags

Today I threw for the “Bean Bags”.  28% of that makes no sense to me.  Ha.  I just made myself laugh writing that.  If you didn’t chuckle, you should read my blog more frequently.  It’s the best thing going right now on the Internet aside from that laughing baby on YouTube.

The Bean Bags is the name given to one of the teams that forms an extra group of players in our minor league camp.  They play the Bomb Squad every day.  Each day instead of having a group of players on the bench in a AAA, AA, or A-ball game, we create an extra game typically with younger players.  So on Tuesday, I was living out a dream of pitching in the Bigs, by Friday, I’m getting work in for the Bags.

I was excited despite the surroundings being less sexy and there being no prospect of Wilbert Harrison serenading us after the win, it was still a blast to throw.  Once the catcher starts giving signs, it’s still the same game wherever you’re standing.  Some days pitching seems like the hardest thing in the world.  Other
times it’s completely simple and reaffirms why you spend so much time
and effort playing baseball. I’m grateful today was one of those days for many reasons.

Spring Debut

I threw in my first big league spring training game.  80% of that sentence is spectacular.  20% makes it slightly less spectacular, but still, quite exciting.  “Spring Training.”  It means so many great things to so many people.  Many baseball fans see spring training as a symbol of the end of snow and more importantly the end of every sports station doing its best imitation of the NFL Network.  For thousands of baseball fans, it means a vacation to a sunny location and a seemingly all-access pass to their favorite team’s games and practices.  It means a baseball atmosphere that truly feels like a “pastime”.

It also means games with players you’ve never heard of, some of whom couldn’t even get a name on their jersey.

On Tuesday, I was one of those players.

During the regular season, our pastime can easily be clouded by high beer prices, busy parking lots, boo birds, player and managerial ejections, slammed bats, and helmets tossed.  The relaxing 3 hour break from real life and immersion into an alternate world of keeping score by hand while listening to the familiar voice of your stadium’s PA announcer fade into the sunset is too often a pipe dream for baseball purists.  In spring training, though, it is more evident than ever that the game is just that: a game.  You won’t see bats broken over knees or managers kicking dirt and throwing bases.  You probably won’t hear any “boos” and you many times will see fans cheering for players they like on the opposing team.  That’s not to say bat breaking and managerial disputes don’t add to the drama and suspense that makes exciting baseball great, but if the post season is baseball on Red Bull, spring training is baseball on sun tea.

When I found out I would be “backing up” the Major League game, a rush of excitement and nerves flushed through my body.  For 3 years I have been walking past the Big League locker room, batting cages, and stadium to get to the comparative dungeon of our Minor League camp (and may I add we are blessed with the nicest minor league spring training facility in all of baseball, but still…it’s not the bigs!).  Simply the thought I would have the outside chance of pitching in the Major League game was riveting.

For those of you not familiar with the term “backing up” it refers to pitchers that come from the minor league camp to be a safety valve for the big league game.  Each big leaguer has a throwing schedule that dictates how many innings he will throw.  On a given day, for example, the starter may be expected to go 4-5 innings, a middle reliever will go 2-3 and then two late inning guys will go 1 inning.  If all goes as planned, say the first two combine for 7 innings, then the late relievers will finish 8 and 9.  What if it goes extras, though?  Or what if the starter runs up his pitch count and doesn’t get out of the 3rd?  This is where the minor league “backups” come in to play to eat up the remaining innings.  If you are a casual fan, the backup will usually come in after the game is 3.5 hours old or is out of hand and you stand up and ask the rest of your party if they’ve had enough sun and want to head home.  You may even point out that some guy who didn’t get a name on his jersey is pitching, it’s a nobody, so let’s head out.  And you’d be right.  It is a nobody.  The outcome of the game doesn’t really matter.  As long as everybody got their AB’s and IP’s and no one got hurt, it’s a successful spring training game.

When you were standing up to leave because nothing important was about to happen, my heart was racing and to me, seemingly the entire world was standing right before my eyes.

By Arizona standards, Tuesday was a slightly chilly night with a bit of a breeze.  By my mid-western standards, it was a beautiful, glorious night!  Though, I’m pretty sure even if it was 10 below with sleet this night would still have been amazing.  As the national anthem played, I stood on the left field line with the rest of my bullpen teammates.  I’m used to pitchers being taller than me, but these guys were all way taller than me.  I’m pretty sure no one from the stands could see me amongst the trees and I’m certain I couldn’t see the flag down the line.  They were all about the same height and all kinda looked alike.  As Greinke warmed up for the first pitch, I introduced myself to the guys I hadn’t met yet.  Everyone was extremely nice and accommodating, perhaps because I was blatantly the new guy evidenced by my constant ear to ear grin.  The first few innings flew by and despite a small bump in the road, Zach was cruising.  Given the inning breakdowns and the number of pitchers scheduled to throw, after the first 5 innings, I was afraid my chances of getting the all-important back-up inning were slimming.

When the 8th inning rolled around, Jamey Wright was in the game and throwing well.  He had pitched the 7th without running up his pitch count too much, so he went out for the 8th.  As he was facing the lead-off hitter, the bullpen phone rang.  As it had all game, my heart jumped when the phone rang.  For the first time, now, it was for good reason.  Our bullpen coach hung up the phone and said, “Hayes, go ahead and start throwing, if he gets in trouble, you’re going in.”

Goosebumps.  

I took my jacket off and walked over to the bullpen mound.  I began throwing as I always do by having the catcher stand up for the first three throws and then have him squat down behind the plate.  By my fourth throw, I was ready.  In an effort to make my routine as normal as possible, I kept throwing.  As I watched the inning unfold, the A’s managed a runner on first with one out through the first two batters, but both had worked long counts.  Our catcher, John Buck went out to the mound and I hoped they were giving me more time to get loose and then bring me in.  Little did they know adrenaline had gotten me ready well in advance, so no extra time was needed on my account.

When I left the clubhouse to go to the field hours prior, the MLB Network was on and was showing a replay of the 2007 home run derby.  As I walked from my locker to the exit, I passed the TV and heard Chris Berman screaming “back, back, back” on a ball Matt Holliday crushed over the wall.  Now a few hours later, with one out in the top of the 8th, Matt Holliday stepped to the plate with a runner at first.  It appeared as though I was going to take my turn at getting him to keep the ball in the field of play.  Let’s hope Berman has the night off.

I stared like a hawk at our manager, Trey Hillman, to see if he’d budge off his seat to bring me in to the game.  To my excitement, he got up!  I told the bullpen catcher, “2 more” and was going to get my final warm-ups in prior to entering the game. Matt Holliday!

Trey took a step to his right, picked something up off the ground and then sat back down.  Sat back down!  If he had so much as scratched his ear, I would have anticipated him making a call to the pen.  A full-blown departure from the seat was enough to make my heart skip a beat.  I think that bubble gum wrapper (or whatever it was) took a year off my life.  Wright got Holliday to hit into a double play and I was told to stop throwing so Anthony Lerew could get ready to go in for the 9th.

Now, I have had a number of “dry humps” throughout my pitching career, but this one stands out as the ultimate.  You can’t make this stuff up, but to prove it, here’s a video.  As you can see, Buck is talking to Wright and just as he drops back, you can see Trey in the lower right hand corner of the video get up out of his seat and then.. well, you see what happens. I asked our b
ullpen coach if I had a chance to pitch in the 9th and he said no, I did my job by scaring the A’s into a double play.  Somehow I hadn’t pictured my debut game being in the role of scarecrow.

By the way, I should clarify what a “dry hump” is.  It’s a bullpen term.  When I asked a fellow bullpen member how to describe it he asked to remain anonymous but aptly said, “It’s the term for getting all warmed up but not being able to go in.”

Lerew went in to throw the 9th and I was told I wouldn’t have a chance to pitch in the game anymore.  I asked if I could just throw a little bit more in the bullpen to get some practice.  The downside of backing up a MLB game is you’re a guy who is due to get a few innings in, but more than likely, you won’t get to throw.  I hadn’t pitched for 3 days, so decided to keep throwing to a catcher as if I was pitching in a game.  Another guy decided to do the same on the rubber behind me in the pen.  After only a few pitches in the game, Lerew got 2 outs with a guy on first.  

Out of the corner of my eye, much to my surprise and excitement again, I noticed Trey walking on to the field towards the pitcher.  Sure enough, he pointed to his right arm, which was at hip level.  My first thought was, “Huh? Interesting he always signals to the bullpen with such a low arm angle.”  I turned around to find out who was throwing behind me to see who was going in to the game.  But to my shock and amazement, it was a lefty!  It seemed like it took 10 seconds to process, but in reality it was probably .10 seconds:  I was going in the game!

I asked the bullpen coach if I was in the game, but he seemed as confused as I was and shook his head no.  Lerew was essentially cruising; he didn’t need back-up.  But sure enough, he was walking off the field.  

I was going in the game.  At least I hoped it was me they were waiting for.

Just in case, I threw another pitch and cautiously walked to the gate to enter the field.  All signs pointed to me going in, but for some reason, I wasn’t certain enough.  I completely expected to open the gate, my heart racing with excitement and anticipation, only to find everyone with their hands up in the air telling me to stop and turn around because I wasn’t supposed to enter.  At this point, I would turn around and run back to the bullpen and make it clear to everyone in the stands why I was so confused and overly anxious:  I didn’t even have a name on my jersey.  And number 72 may be immortalized by Carton Fisk (ironically my favorite player growing up), but it’s not exactly commonplace amongst superstar pitchers.

Thankfully, none of my fears came true and sure enough, they wanted to see me pitch so I kept on running towards the mound.

In the minor leagues, all Royals players are required to pull their pants up and show at least 6″ of stirrup above the shoe tops.  Since I was in T-Ball, for whatever reason, I’ve always worn my pants up at my knees.  Even when I wasn’t required to, I always preferred it.  In 2006, when I started with the Royals, it wasn’t a requirement and I was always the only guy to wear my pants with socks showing.   It seems everyone else hates it.  Manny Ramirez has done to baseball lower-half attire what Michael Jordan did in basketball.  It is now “cool” to have baggy pants down to your shoes if not over them.  I’m convinced there are some minor league guys who yearn for big league pants more than the big league paychecks.

This past season, I was talking with former Royals catcher Duke Wathan and he told me when he used to catch Dan Quisenberry, some hitters would say they lost the ball in his pants and socks.  Our arm angle is quite unique and after releasing the ball, instead of the batter’s eye being the background, we actually assume the role.  After googling pictures of how Quiz wore his jersey, I noticed his stirrups were so long, he had white socks showing, which gave the batter a white backdrop to pick up the white ball as it spun towards them.  And he seemed to have some decent success throughout his career… So, do I stick with my roots, steer clear of vanity, and wear the pants up?  Do I give in to the “big league style” and wear them down?  If I wear them up, am I missing out on a tiny edge Quiz took advantage of for years?  After a long internal debate, I came up with a solution: gray pants up on the road, white pants down at home.  Best of both worlds.

This night was a home game and so, for the first time since I can remember, I ran onto a baseball field with my pants down by my shoes.

I had always pictured the gate opening up to a Major League field awaiting my arrival to be one of the greatest thrills of my life.  I had always dreamed of what my thoughts would be for the half a minute I would have to myself as I jog across the outfield to the mound.  Tonight, the gate opening was filled with confusion and my thoughts were of long pants and their feel on my ankles and how they looked.  Regardless, I ended up on the mound without tripping over my pant legs or having to get sent back to the bullpen because it wasn’t my turn.

After my 8 warm up pitches, the PA announcer said my name.  A group of probably 10 friends along with my beautiful wife, Tracy, and my brother-in-law erupted in applause (if you couldn’t tell, my wife proof reads these). The stands had been silent up until this point and clearly I had my own little fan club (even if it was only family and friends).  Gregorio Petit stepped up to the plate and my first big league appearance was under way.  The first pitch was a fastball that split the plate perfectly.  Next pitch, fastball on the outer half of the plate, flied out to right.

2 pitches. My big league debut lasted only about 45 seconds, but I’ll gratefully and elatedly take it!

It’s hard to imagine how much fun 2 pitches could be.  I don’t know how to describe it for you.  As I was high-fiving the team and the coaching staff I was on cloud nine.  We had won.  And I realized I just played in my first game where they play “Going to Kansas City” after a win.  I couldn’t help but sing “I might take a train, or I might take a plane, but if I have to walk, I’m goin just the same.” (And no, I didn’t have to look those lyrics up, I really do know the song…I blasted it in the car the entire day after the Royals called me and offered me my first contract)  Obviously I hope there’s many more of those lyrics during my departure from a baseball field, but I’m so grateful to have been there for that moment and enjoyed it as much as possible.  If only I had a memento or some sort of keepsake from the game…

Shane Costa caught the last out of the game and turned to the beer garden and chucked the ball into the stands.  Usually on the last out of the game, the fielder brings the ball in and gives it to the pitcher.  Add the fact it was my first ever big-league game and this offense is even more egregious.  If I ever get a name on my jersey, maybe I’ll give Costa a hard time about it so he at least knows who’s giving him crap.

PS. If you’ve made it this far on the blog, you’re obviously enthralled by me and wanting more, so here’s a video some lady in the stands took of me and then sent my way.