I am Batman

But my groin still hurts.

Tracy and I babysat for some good friends of ours who have a 2-year-old (Lucas) and a few-month-old (Ryan).  I’m not too good with ages, and I figure most guys aren’t so one kid could talk (though not perfectly) and run around and stuff and the other could sit up and eat, but couldn’t stand on his own without the aid of a table.  Both of them are cute as can be and very well behaved.

When we showed up for the gig, we found another boy around the same age as Lucas, though probably a little older because he was bigger.  He was Lucas’ friend and his name was Ty.  First, a funny Tracy-esque tangent about that… At the end of our time with the boys, I was coloring with them and showed them how to trace their hands with Crayons.  First I traced Lucas’ hand and wrote Lucas on the palm so he could show his mom.  Then I traced Ty’s.  Without even batting an eye I wrote “Thai” on the palm.  I’ve never been much of a speller, but it cracks me up to think the parents are going to get home and the boys, who were given direct instructions by me to show their parents their hands, were going to see I had written “Thai”.  Ah, Quacumque Sunt Vera, Northwestern.

Batman Begins

Back to the story.  At one point early on in our babysitting, the boys and I were sitting at the lunch table waiting for Tracy to slice the pizza for us.  To pass time and quiz the boys, I pointed at Tracy and said, “What’s her name?”  Both Ty and Lucas looked at each other and then agreed on “Ms. Tracy.”  It was quite cute to see two southern gentlemen in the making.  Here comes the good part:  Tracy asks the boys, “Who’s that?” and points at me.  Lucas quizzically puts his hands out to the side and says, “Who?”  Ty responds, “That Man” and points at me.  At the time, I found it funny to be called a man, but I find what comes next even funnier.  Lucas, having misheard Ty’s slightly strained English, looks at me wide-eyed and with a sweet southern voice that got progressively higher as he asked me a question says, “Batman?”

Now, had I known what would transpire the rest of the day ahead of time, I would have definitely answered differently and said, “No, actually it’s Chris, but people call me Disco.”  But I was assuming he was just repeating what Ty said and was asking “that man?”, so I immediately said yes.  Lucas’ eyes got huge and his legs start to kick in his high chair in excitement.  At the point I realize what just happened and I understand why, I could sense how thrilled he was.  He said “‘Batman’, not ‘That Man'”.  It was funny and flattering for me, and for him, how cool was it to have Batman come to your house and babysit you?  Again, had I known what was going to ensue, I would have put an end to it right there, but I didn’t know and besides, how can you let the kid down at this point?  He couldn’t even eat a piece of his pizza, he was so excited to get to play with Batman.

The Dark Knight

We go out to the front porch area and start to play on their Big Wheels.  The two boys were having a blast riding their tiny cars between Ms. Tracy’s and Batman’s legs.  Lucas was so excited to be playing with Batman he began calling himself Spiderman to not be outdone with superpowers.  After a short stint on the porch for Ty–after all, I’m pretty sure he knew it was just Ms. Tracy and Mr. Chris–he returns back inside and leaves Lucas and I outside.  Lucas asks me, Batman, to ride the Big Wheel with him.  He gets on his bike and, for some reason (common sense does not come standard on a Bat Suit, I guess), I try to sit down on the other Big Wheel, though it’s really just one of those mini-Big Wheels made for toddlers.  I put my butt down on the tiny seat and at exactly the moment my hands come off the ground–where they had been supporting my weight–and move them towards the handle bars to try to steer, the axle snaps and the car breaks in half.  Lucas whips his head around to see what Batman is doing to his toy to find me bent over at the waist with the steering column of the Big Wheel lodged directly into my groin.  When the axle broke, my weight shifted forward and my momentum was stopped by a 2-inch-wide plastic nutcracker.  At this point my eyes are protruding from my head, and though I don’t think I could see out of them, I could feel the presence of Lucas wondering with amazement what trick Batman was pulling.  The only trick I had in mind was to refrain from swearing and crying as the steering column made its way deeper into my personal space (I have a rip in my jeans from the accident proving the pinpoint location and force with which I was Big Wheeled in the nuts).  I peeled myself off the pavement and out of the grasps of the plastic groin-shot toy and began the slow process of walking off the pain.  You know how there are certain walks that are unmistakable?  Like when it’s raining everyone lowers their head just a bit and kinks their spine forward at the neck and raises their eyebrows and walks a bit hunched.  Well there is a groin-pain walk that involves short strides, a mild squint and a green-tinted face that Batman perfected yesterday.   Perhaps concerned, but most likely just curious, Lucas ran over and tapped me on the hip and said, “Batman” and pointed at his Big Wheel.  I tried to say, “Sorry buddy,” but all I could muster was a wheeze out of my mouth.

The real Batman does not get taken out by shots below the belt.  He probably wears a cup at all times and if not, he’s Batman and doesn’t put himself in compromising situations like this.  But after all, I’m still just Disco and my groin still hurts.

1 Minute Monday, May 11th

hope all the moms had a happy mothers day.  a special happy mothers day to my mom of course.

i’ve joined twitter after some requests by fans to do so.  i don’t know if i’ll be clever in chunks of 140 characters or less, but might be worth checking out for a week or so.  isn’t that how long people actually use twitter after they sign up anyway?  @discohayes if you want to check it out…

Why the heck hasn’t mlblogs.mlblogs.com updated it’s ranking of the pro blogs!? I’ve got to be moving up, i mean john bale is reahabinng with us and said HE read one of my blogs, so i ha

Fan Mail Friday, May 8

My inbox has become overrun with Fan Mail, so each Friday, I’m going to
publish a few of the questions with my answers.  Ask something good and
you may become famous next week.  Please send emails to fanmail@discohayes.com.

One quick question and I’m out.  Where did the Disco nickname come from?  If you answered that earlier in your blog please accept my apologies upfront.
Lonnie S., Springdale, AR

I am called Disco because I throw in the 70s.

I gave myself the nickname, which is a true sign you have “arrived”.  I’ve done some extensive research and the demographics are really showing people are liking the nickname.  42 to 58-year-old males associate with the era and think it adds a cool-factor to an unassuming white guy with not a whole lot of “wow-factor”.  The most alarming news and perhaps the best sign the nickname is working is with 21 to 34-year-old females.  Prior to my nickname, only 0.3% of this demographic had heard of me.  But, the survey finds that 99.1% had heard the term “Disco” so they must have since found out about me.  My well below average fastball really seems to be holding me back from super-stardom with the women aged 21 to 34, but my foot seems to now be in the door, so I’ll take it.  The rest of the breakdowns seem to bode well, except for both genders aged 79 and up seem to still have a bitter taste in their mouth about the Disco era.  Personally I don’t see the reason why they would hold this against my “Disco Revival” here in 2009, but you know how those octogenarians can be, they are an intractable and irascible lot.  I think deep down they love me, because, how couldn’t you, but they hate surveys.  We didn’t look into the statistical significance of this in our study.  Lastly, kids aged 6 to 14 wanted a baseball and an autograph from me equally both before and after my nickname was self assigned.

As a side note, though I have yet to reap the monetary benefits of my hilarious and career-propelling nickname, Fabian reportedly has brought in an extra $20,000 so far this year in royalties from the added sales of his 1978 hit “Disco Fever“.  The extra sales have been found with “Bienenstich und Disco-Fieber” the German re-release as well.

What is your stance on answering fan mail submitted by people you know? This is a totally hypothetical question.
C. Hayes, Ann Arbor, MI

Thank you, C.  I’m pretty sure I know who you are.  I only have one sibling, and her first initial is C.  I’m pretty sure Michigan’s only Arbor is named Ann, so that tells us nothing.  Hypothetically, I’d say I can answer this question. 

However, that one time when I was 16 and you asked me if I broke mom’s car windshield with a basketball IN FRONT OF MOM was not a time, hypothetically of course, to ask me a question.

And the time you asked me why the dog bit Dad and, at age 2, I was too young to know not to answer that “maybe it was cause I sticked my finger up his butt,” was also, again hypothetically, a question I should not have answered.  This question, though, seems much more appropriate and not incriminating, therefor I will answer it hypothetically.

Here’s my question- Why do you keep calling my cell and hanging up? I know its you, I can hear you breathing.  Seriously, do you find yourself cheering for the current major league staff to do poorly?  I hope you get the call, mostly because I just picked you up in my fantasy league.  The league just added a new category, the category is witty responses to emails… I plan on dominating.
Trevor C. N., Toronto, Ontario

Here’s my question- Is the CN Tower named after you?  That’s not meant to be witty, because the last thing I would want is for you to do well in your fantasy league.  But unless the tower is named after you, why would you include two names after Trevor?  Were you worried another Trevor N. wrote in something as insanely clever as accusing me of calling you and breathing into the phone.  Let me tell you something, I may breath a little loud because I have a fever (Disco Fever of course) but at no point have I called the largest free-standing structure in the Americas.

We play games pretty much every night, so I rarely get to see the Royals play.  And when I do, I mainly am looking at the new stadium to see the changes they’ve made.  I went and visited the K in 2006 so I knew exactly what it looked, smelled and felt like.  That way when I took the field in places like Clinton, IA, I could visualize Kauffman and transform the field so it felt more like Kansas City to me.  When you’re somewhere like Tulsa, OK, it’s nice to “listen” to fountains in your head during Batting Practice and turn around and “see” yourself on the new largest piece of equipment with an electric current behind you in center field.  Now that all the renovations have been made, I like seeing what’s different.

I just discovered your blog a few days ago.  Hilarious stuff.  Question: do you play any fantasy sports?  If so, who are your team favorites?  Finally, if there were a fantasy minor league baseball game, please be assured that you’d be one of my top pitchers.
Brad G., Dubai

I play Settlers of Catan.  My favorite team is the White Team.  I also particularly like getting the longest road and a few victory points.  The largest army is something I’ve never really been a big fan of, so I tend to root against them.  I remember one particular instance when a friend, Erin, played an ore monopoly one turn before there was no way I could be denied victory (aside from an ore monopoly being played) and I didn’t want to talk to her for a week.

I used to play fantasy baseball, but when I started playing reality baseball my ability to have Internet access on a daily basis diminished and I’d get frustrated because I couldn’t put Victor Martinez back in my lineup after an off day and I’d be stuck with Ron Karkovice instead.  Maybe you and Trevor Tower should get together and start a league and fight over my rights.  Watch out for men 42 to 58 though, they may not want to give me up.

Thanks
to everyone for your questions, please keep writing in and I’ll do my
best to get to as many as I can.  Please send more questions and more
love to fanmail@discohayes.com.

Manny Cheating Many

I’m writing this not as a baseball player, but as a baseball fan.  As a fan, I feel cheated.  And I don’t think I’m the only one.  The Dodgers, with their best record in baseball, must feel cheated.  The Dodgers fans must as well.  Every pitcher (raise your hands guys, there’s plenty of you) who have given up Home Runs and hits to the guy must feel cheated.

There are so many people who have been cheated by this, and worst of all, it’s got to be the kids who look up to Manny.  It makes me sick to my stomach to think of the example all this PED nonsense is setting for kids.  Manny is going to “lose” $8M, but he’s still going to make $38M.  Take a poll of kids and ask if they had to take steroids and get caught, would they do it for $38M?  I bet they’re not going to care it may cost them the Hall of Fame; they become superstars and millionaires.  I sincerely hope it’s not, but that has to run through a kid’s head.  How do you change their mind?  You can tell them anything you want, but actions and millions speak louder than words.

I feel cheated and these allegations make me sad as a baseball fan.

How to become a Minor League Reliever: Step 2 Survive Spring Training

Part of the 10 step guide to becoming a Double-A Reliever

Congrats on getting signed.  If you followed my steps to do so, you undoubtedly got a signing bonus that is a multiple of zero.  Sorry if you were looking for multiple zeros.

It’s May and Spring Training happens, well, in the spring, so you may ask yourself why is this step 2?  My steps are not meant to be chronological, though they may imply a particular time and place.  The steps are broad overarching concepts you will need to have nailed down in order to make it in this game.  Getting signed obviously gets your foot in the door and is the biggest step hence it being first.  In minor league baseball, there are 3 time periods throughout the year:  the season, the off season and spring training.  Though guys can get released at any point during the year, the majority of releases happen during spring training.  So I want you to be prepared to survive from the get-go.  There’s a saying that suggests as long as you have a jersey, you have a chance.  And if your goal is to be a Double-A reliever (and I would assume it has to be if you’re reading this) your chance is going to come in spring training.  The teams are set and rosters are made in the spring.  So sit back, take some notes, and enjoy the insider’s guide to surviving the spring.

There are 5 areas that will define your experience in Spring Training:

1. The Clubhouse
2. The Field
3. The Camp Lifestyle
4. Making a Roster
5. Breaking Camp

The Clubhouse

When you walk in to the spring training complex the first time you can’t look surprised.  So here’s what to expect.  Music playing.  Cards being slammed on the carpeted floors amidst yells of the superiority of that last unsuspecting trump being played.  Latin players will be shouting something you will be told is Spanish, but you figure is a complex series of sounds and chirping that in certain combinations cause laughter.  As you listen to the sounds filling your ears, you will hear a whip-like smack followed by a shriek.  As you wander around trying to find your locker keep your eyes open because the naked middle infielder who whipped another naked middle infielder with a wet towel is seconds away from being chased around the corner by the whippee, also naked.  If you walk unsuspectingly, there’s no more embarrassing an introduction to 200 of your new teammates than being the meat of a naked infielder sandwich.

Speaking of meat, while it’s critical to keep your eyes open, make sure to keep them above the waist.  I failed this miserably (and don’t want you to do the same) when my locker mate in 2006, my first spring training, extended his hand to introduce himself but I didn’t see it because I was mesmerized by the fact he was sitting on his *****.  He had tucked it underneath and was sitting on it on his stool.  Fascinating, but his business and not mine at all.  No one likes a pecker checker.

First impressions are big, but in the clubhouse they can be crucial.  “Clubhouse” is baseball-speak for social network.  Guys are described as “great clubhouse guys” or as being “an asset in the clubhouse”.  Your “clubhouse demeanor” will be discussed and if you don’t fit in in the clubhouse, it’s a knock on your projection.  It’s part of who you are as a baseball package, so don’t make light of it.

You are walking in to a combination of summer camp and a frat house.  The guys in this locker room have been roommates, teammates, and travel companions 24 hours a day for the summers.  They have eaten every meal together, showered together, gone to the bar together, and slept together.  They have their own routines, their own dialect, and their own jokes.  You have to work your way in slowly, but if you take one wrong step, you could become the butt of their dialect and jokes.

As much as you can, just follow the masses and don’t say too much.  But talk, don’t be creepy in your silence.  When you’re in the shower and guys are screaming and throwing soap suds and shampoo, just stay to yourself.  When someone turns your shower temperature to ice cold while you are washing your face with your eyes closed, it is a sign you are invited to begin joining in the escapades.  The coins in the drainage gutter are glued down, so don’t make the mistake of trying to pick them up, that will label you as cheap.  When you get hit with flying shampoo as you walk out of the shower to go towel off, just turn around and rinse off again.  Wait until the time is right to return the favor, choose your time and your target wisely.  And again, I can’t stress this enough, don’t get run over by the naked tag competitors.

Though clubhouse life revolves around the shower, locker talk is important as well.  Later on I will have steps specifically on “Learning the Lingo” and another on the Locker Room specifically, so I don’t want to steal my thunder this early.  Just know it’s important and stay tuned later on for more info.

The Field

When you are on the field in spring training, it means 1 of 3 things (listed in ascending order of likelihood):  you are pitching, you are doing PFP’s, or you are shagging. 

As a reliever, you will probably throw around 10 innings in spring training.  If you figure each half inning takes 15 minutes, all in all, you will spend 2.5 hours actually pitching.  You will, however, spend at least 30 consecutive days (no days off) at the field for approximately 6 hours.  That leaves 177.5 hours (just under 7.5 days) to do PFPs and shag.

The pitching part was covered in step 1, at this point either you throw gas, or you throw submarine-style, so either way, you’ve got that down, let’s move on to the PFPs.

“PFP” stands for pitchers fielding practice.  PFPs (estimated 77.5 hours during the course of camp) consist of a line of pitchers waiting to walk up onto the mound to fake their pitching motion and run over to a ball that has been rolled down the third base line by a pitching coach, pick it up, and throw the ball to a lucky veteran pitcher who is stationed at first base.  After completing your turn, you go back to the end of the line and repeat.  Once you have been through enough times that you are convinced playing in games is merely a drill to prepare you for PFPs, you will switch and rotate to another field where the bunts will be rolled down the first base line.  Repeat.  Even more stations will be set up to practice ground balls hit to second and first where you have to cover 4-1 and 3-1 respectively if you’re scoring at home (and kudos if you’re scoring while reading my blog).  There will, of course, be a “cup check” station where a pitching coach will hit skimming line-drive one-hoppers that reach you at exactly the same time as your fake pitching motion is at it’s release point.  You will have no time to react, but after your turn, while in line, you will have plenty of time to ponder exactly how hard you would have to throw for the ball to return to you so quickly.  Your next turn in line you can wonder how the batter was able to hit your Mach 7 fastball.

Prior to the start of spring training, I’d advise you begin joining every minor league player in cheering hardest during the World Series not for a team, but for so
lid PFP work.  You see, the first week of spring training for pitchers is a series of lectures from pitching coaches about how important PFPs can be.  Imagine the momentum and the voracity with which these lectures were given in the Spring of 2007 after the Tigers’ PFP performance in the 2006 World Series.  I had cold sweats and my feet started to ache in mere anticipation of the upcoming spring training during game 5 in 2006 as Verlander Bucknered the 5th of his team’s 5 PFPs into right field for the 7th and 8th unearned runs en route to losing the series.  So I don’t care who you root for in World Series to come (though I hope it’s the Royals), but please join me in rooting for sound PFP work, it’s in our best interest.

Shagging (estimated 100 hours during the course of camp) was made to sound really fun by Austin Powers, but the joy in shagging decreases in the Arizona sun as your likelihood for melanoma rises.  Shagging is the term for retrieving the balls batted by batters during batting practice.  It’s the pitchers’ collective job to pick up each ball that isn’t caught off the bat and throw it in to a “bucket” just behind second base.  You’ve probably seen it in spring training or if you’ve gone to a big league game early enough to watch BP.  As the sun beats down on you over the course of the 100 hours, your legs, hips and feet will begin to ache.  The best way to prepare for the hours of shagging in the spring is to spend the winter standing still in your front yard and then every 10 minutes, jog to the other side of the yard and throw a rock 150 feet.  Start out in 30 minute increments and work your way up to over an hour.  BP and game-day practice are another topic I will come back to later on in my 10 steps, so stay tuned for more in-depth advice to come.

The Camp Lifestyle

6:00 AM – Wake up, shower
6:30 AM – Walk from hotel to local buffet-style restaurant and sign in to get free breakfast
7:15 AM – Hop in a shuttle at the hotel and ride to the complex
7:30 AM – Arrive at complex
7:35 AM – Read day’s schedule on cork board
7:45 AM – Check the bathroom stalls to find more than 4 guys must have had the sausage patties too
7:55 AM – Find an open stall, use bathroom while reading Baseball America
8:05 AM – Read day’s schedule again because you forgot what it said
8:15 AM – Get dressed in team-issued gear, this way if a coach or someone sees you, they won’t think you just showed up
8:20 AM – Read day’s schedule to double check you don’t have early work
8:25 AM – Notice you are in a new work group on cork board and realize you have early work
8:30 AM – Go to gym to use foam roller on the knots in your legs from shagging
8:35 AM – Read day’s schedule again on your way back to clubhouse, this time for absolutely no reason
8:40 AM – Head out to field early for early work
9:00 AM – Form a line and go through same stretch routine you have been doing all spring
9:10 AM – Begin extra PFP work
9:30 AM – Meet with the entire camp for announcements
9:35 AM – Form a line and go through same stretch routine
9:45 AM – Tell a joke in your pitchers’ group while the position players talk baserunning
9:50 AM – Go through your throwing routine
10:00 AM – Work on cutoffs and relays with your assigned work group
10:30 AM – Shag
11:00 AM – Shag
11:15 AM – Shag
11:30 AM – Shag
11:45 AM – Walk to clubhouse to eat lunch
11:45 AM – Lift weights if necessary
1:00 PM – Walk to fields to either pitch or watch your teammates in a game
4:00 PM – Shower (see above for instructions)
4:30 PM – Catch a shuttle back to hotel
5:00 PM – Do nothing
5:30 PM – Figure out how many days until March Madness Starts today
6:00 PM – Walk from hotel to local buffet-style restaurant and sign in to get free dinner
7:00 PM – Watch Deal or No Deal
8:00 PM – If American Idol is on, stay up, if not go to sleep
9:00 PM – If still awake, go to sleep
10:00 PM – Curfew check, wake up and answer the door to prove you are in your room
10:15 PM – Tell your roommate to stop baby talking to his girlfriend so you can sleep

Repeat for 30 consecutive days with no variations.

Making a Roster

The toughest part of spring training is the inevitability of releases.  If you polled the players going in to spring training asking where they’ll start the year, you’d have 35 guys in the big leagues, 35 in AAA, 40 in AA, 40 in Hi A, and 60 in Low A.  There would be no one in extended spring training, and no one going home.  The fact of the matter is, 25 go to the bigs, 24 to AA and AAA and 25 to the A ball teams.  This year I went through the hardest day of my professional career because of this number crunch.  My best friend in baseball fell victim to the pinch of rosters and one day, just like that, he just wasn’t there.  In Arizona it’s sunny every day and thankfully that day was no exception because I did everything with sun glasses on.  When I got out to our stretch line, I cried because he should have been there but wasn’t.  I cried through our fundamental work and cried while shagging.  Every thing we did was the same as all the other days, except for he wasn’t there.  And because everything was the same it made it seem that much more different.

Part of being a professional is being able to perform regardless of what’s going on around you, and cuts in spring training will put this to the test.  It’s harder on the organization than it is on the players, no doubt, because they have to make the decisions and break the news to guys they’ve gotten to know for years.  They come off as the bad guys, but they feel it just the same.  For a player, this heads up will give you an idea of what’s to come, but the first time you are talking with your locker neighbor and he gets tapped on the shoulder by the “Grim Reaper” and gets taken upstairs to an office, your heart will sink.  It doesn’t matter what I say here, it’s an experience of emotion you won’t be ready for.  Just keep in mind, no one is dying, you just have to keep positive and go out and perform.  It’s part of our business and unfortunately it’s never more evident it’s a business than these days.

Breaking Camp

As Arizona heats up and the monotony becomes barely bearable, you will get the news you’ve been assigned to a full season affiliate.  After all the roster cuts and friends you’ve had to say goodbye to, it’s a good feeling to be going somewhere, but many times it’s not where you were hoping for.  Be glad you have a jersey and be glad you aren’t staying in Arizona for extended spring training.  As one of our staff members says, “It gets hot here in the summer.”  Pack your belongings and be ready for your 3AM shuttle to the airport tomorrow, you are ready to embark on a season full of excitement.  Congratulations, again, be glad you made it out of spring.

Soon to come:

Step 3.  Handle the Travel

Fan Mail Friday, May 1

My inbox has become overrun with Fan Mail, so each Friday, I’m going to publish a few of the questions with my answers.  Ask something good and you may become famous next week.  Please send emails to fanmail@discohayes.com.

Who’s the best hitter you’ve faced so far this year?
Greg U., Ketchum, ID

There’s a saying that goes, “If you look good, you play good.”  I think that may be grammatically incorrect, but it’s a saying nonetheless.  I don’t think anyone really regulates sayings.  Maybe they should.  Anyway, given the quote, I think it’s best to answer by picking which hitter I’ve faced that looks the best.  I’m going to go with Mark Ori from the Corpus Christi Hooks.  Yeah yeah yeah, I went to college with him, I’ve had a man crush for years, I can hear it now.  Erroneous.  All of it.  Seriously, the guy just wears his pants better than anyone else in the Texas League right now.  He’s got the wristband kinda things and probably some tape.  Maybe even eye black.  I don’t remember.  I actually haven’t faced him yet this year now that I think about it because every team I faced for the first 3 weeks of the season was named the San Antonio Missions, but still, the guy can don a “uni” better than anyone.

You didn’t ask, but by the same token, the worst hitter I’ve faced so far this year is Brett Wallace of the Springfield Cardinals.

Who’s the best prankster on the team?  Any good pranks?
Sharron, S., Oak Grove, MO

The key to pranks is for the prankster to remain anonymous.  So I’ll just say G. De La Vara.  Shoot, too obvious, eh?  Alright, we’ll call him Gilbert.  The weird thing about Gilbert is, though he’s perhaps the best prankster, almost all pranks this year have been at his expense.  Any day where Gilbert is able to get dressed without having to climb a ladder to retrieve an article of clothing from the venting ducts is a disappointment throughout our clubhouse.  That being said in the Arizona Fall League, Gilbert was quite effective in his efforts to harass an un-named Dodgers’ prospect.  Eye black on the inside of the batting helmet is an almost indefensible prank.  We haven’t had anything that has stood out too much, but I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

You grew up in the city?  So what’s it like living in Arkansas?
Jim B. H., Cotton Plant, AR

Should every sentence in my answer end in a question mark?  Did you ask two questions?  Or one?  I digress…?

I’m much better at riding mules.  I can now milk cows and the occasional chicken.  I’ve started wetting the bed because I’m sick of walking outside to the outhouse.  Also, our cat did it weeks ago, so once the ice was broken, I figured why not?  I have really been working on my memory skills because it’s impossible to remember all the names of our neighbors.  There’s ton of them and they each have at least 2 “first” names.  And they all look exactly the same and how many twin-in-laws can you have?  I mean, that still doesn’t even make sense to me.  I shower only when it rains and dry off only when there’s a tornado.  Those two events happen extremely often and in conjunction with each other for the most part, so I’m clean.  At first I couldn’t get used to the non-paved streets, but now that I have installed my 5-foot monster truck tires it’s kinda fun.  Also, I’ve never met a dentist I’ve liked and thankfully here, I’ve never met a dentist.

Did you know you are my favorite player?
Jacob J., Haverhill, NH

I had never heard of you until you emailed me.  But I did know that IF you existed, I would have been your favorite player.  So it’s a bit hard to answer your question.  I think in a philosophical sense, no.  But realistically, it’s hard to not look in the mirror every day and know I’m the favorite player of thousands of people I’ll never know.  I’ll go with yes.  And you’re welcome.

Does it bother you when people say you throw like a girl?  Do you throw like a girl?
Dick O., Naperville, IL

I don’t care when they say it.  However, when they ASK me if I do, that’s what really gets me.  Please never write again.

Thanks to everyone for your questions, please keep writing in and I’ll do my best to get to as many as I can.  Please send more questions and more love to fanmail@discohayes.com.

1 Minute Monday, April 27th

today was the fake-out kinda day where it looks like you’re gonna get rained out and then all of a sudden the skies open up and you get to play the game.  so we spend the afternoon in the clubhouse while it’s raining outside playing cards and studying other teams’ hitters and watching tv and then all of a sudden the game starts.  its a weird experience when you are mid thought on whether or not dwight howard has to use a thicker pillow than the average guy if he sleeps on his side, they come in and say the game is on

How to become a Minor League Reliever: Step 1 Get Signed

Part of the 10 step guide to becoming a Double-A Reliever

  • Step 1 — Get Signed

When
you extend your right arm up and behind your head and then fling it
forward in front of your face, does it go faster than 94mph?  If you
answered yes to this, please contact your nearest organization; you
will be signed shortly.  Tune in in a few days for the next step of my
program.  If you answered no, please keep reading.

Now, extend
your left arm up and behind your head and fling it forward.  Did it go
faster than 90mph?  Again, if you answered yes, call a scout and report
back here in a few days for the next lesson.

Were you worried
there wasn’t going to be more blog here?  After all, I got signed, I
must have qualified as a “yes” for either of the first two answers. 
But, on the contrary, I didn’t.  And that’s why my route to getting
signed is quite a bit different.  I assume those of you reading this
can’t throw 90- or 94-plus, so here’s some help for “the rest of us”. 
(In case you’re not a Disco Die-hard, I throw less than 80mph and
somehow tricked the royals into inking me to a contract.)

So, if you want to be a relief pitcher that gets signed “under the radar” you’re going to have to follow my lead. 

First,
become a walk-on at a college baseball team near where you live.  Call
the coach, have him tell you he;s never heard of you so there’s no need
to come try out, but be persistent and at least pry the time and
location of tryouts away from him.  Show up at the tryouts and pray no
one else does so you will by default make the team.  Then for three
years, while sitting on the bench, keep track of things like how
opposing coaches call pitches from their dugout and learn a complex
system to relay the info to your teams’ batters.  This way you don’t
have to be good enough to play, but you still contribute to the team so
you won’t get cut.

Then, after you have been in good with the
team for a few years, branch out and learn some wacky, barely-legal
form of pitching and begin dominating hitters.  You’ll be so weird and
different, you’ll carry a sub 1.50 era through your conference season
and start to attract some interest from scouts.  Granted, don’t get
ahead of yourself, you are going to be late to the party because it’s
only a few weeks before the draft and all organizations have
hand-picked the guys they want to draft already, but that won’t stop
you from hoping.  In fact, that hope will perfectly set up the last
game of your college career where you will play your team’s rival in
front of 50 scouts and you will not only give up a run for the first
time in a month, but you’ll also blow a save for the first time of the
year.  In fact, you will give up 4 runs on a walk off and not record a
single out in front of all those scouts.  You will finish the season
with an ERA just above 3 and will spend draft day watching 1500 guys –
you heard that right 30 teams times 50 draft selections – about 900 of
whom all are pitchers who aren’t reading this part (if you know what I
mean) get signed.

You’d think with 1500 selections, getting
drafted is a pretty easy way to get signed.  And it should be.  In
fact, on the second day of the draft while you listen to name after
name get called, a number of teams will stop drafting players after
round 45.  At this point, you realize you are not getting passed over
for another player, but rather getting passed over for no one.   Your
absence is worth more than your presence to 30 organizations.  You will
assume your baseball career is over and will send your resume to a few
companies in the area.  But you will be wrong.  At this point it will
be difficult to not jump ship and think my advice is getting you
nowhere.  But the process has proven effective.  Continue to follow
it.  This process will make you appreciate the day you do get signed
that much more.

There are typically about 7 minor league
affiliates per organization, so that makes 210 minor league teams (plus
30 major league teams).  At 25 players per team that makes about 6,000
professional baseball players within organizations.  There are more
than 6,000 guys who want to play which is good news for you, which is
why independent minor league teams exist.  You may, at best, be the
6,001st best baseball player in the US, but at least you’ll have a team
to be a part of.  So, tryout for and make an independent team and sign
with them for the first year out of school and get paid $500 per
month.  You will learn what it takes to be a professional player that
summer through classy promotions like “Water Park at the field day”
where you will spend the first 4 innings in the bullpen dodging water
balloons launched by fans, then innings 5-8 throwing water balloons
back at the fans, and then come in for a save in the 9th with swollen,
pruny fingers.  Your arm-slot will continue to get lower and you will
put up good enough numbers to be invited to play winter ball in
Colombia, South America.

Though you will wonder if it’s smart to
go to a country who’s Consulate located in the US told you to “go at
your own risk” and “be informed the United States does not, in any way
negotiate in hostage situations in Colombia,” you will decide to go for
the experience.  In the long run, it will pay off huge for you because
you will be able to work on your mechanics and not have to put up
amazing numbers for fear of losing your job.  It will be the only time
in your career this will be the case, and you will take full advantage
of it.  You will be lucky your manager will recommend you to switch to
the arm-side of the rubber which will be a very difficult transition
because it changes the angles on your pitches, but it will prepare you
for your career in affiliated ball.  So, you won’t throw well at all in
Colombia, but hey, it’s Colombia, hardly anyone will ever find out.

After
playing in Colombia, you will be invited to 2 open tryouts just before
spring training with the Padres and White Sox on consecutive Saturdays
at their Arizonan spring training complexes.  One of your Independent
ball teammates will live in the area, so you will be able to stay with
him for free and you will just make it a mini vacation in Arizona for
the last week of February.  After pitching the top of the 21st in a
marathon 24-inning game featuring 48 pitchers trying out, your number
will not be called by the Padres.  On the way to your car, the guy who
was your catcher will ask you if you are going to the Royals tryout on
Tuesday.  Though you haven’t heard of it, you will inquire and find out
no invitation is needed and you will get the address.

Upon
arriving in Surprise on Tuesday you will find the minor leaguers taking
the field for the first day of spring training.  On the last practice
field tucked away in the back of the complex, you will throw a bullpen
and then live batting practice to other hopefuls in front of Royals
brass.  You will throw well, but they will have a radar gun out, so
your odds aren’t good (after all, your reading this, aren’t you?)  You
will then go back to your buddy’s house and sleep well that night.  It
will be your last night without a professional contract.

The
next morning, while on the way to a Chinese buffet, the Royals director
of player development will call you and ask you if you’d like to be a
Royal!  Crab Rangoon and Pork Fried Rice never tasted so good.

If
you’ve followed thus far, the rest is a piece of cake.  Get on the 101
and take it to Bell Rd. and go west to Bullard.  Take Bullard south and
you will see the complex.  Enter the front doors to the office, and the
contract will be waiting for you.  Though years ago when you downloaded
it, you never listened to it, you are now thrilled you have the song
“Goin’ to Kansas City” by Wilbert Harrison on your iPod.  On the ride
home from signing your professional contract, blast the song on
repeat.  A job well done.

Easy as pie, eh?  It’s fool proof.  I
swear.  I’m living proof it works.  Trust me, you have to be a freak of
nature to throw hard enough to hang with my teammates.  It’s probably
not in the cards for everybody.  So follow these steps and you, too,
can start your professional career.

Soon to come:

Step 2.  Survive Spring Training

1 Minute Monday, April 20th

so i threw four innings the other day and for a reliever, i should be too sore to even write today.  but thankfully i throw more like a girls softball pitcher than a boys baseball pitcher, so here i am on monday, not to disappoint

while i was in the bullpen the other day i had a kid come up to me and ask, “how do you get in there?” and i couldnt’ decide if he meant it literally or in the career baseball sense,  assuming he meant the latter, i think i’m going to do a 10 part series to answer his questi